When it comes to animated TV dads, the two who reign supreme are Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin. These two dads have a lot in common, and yet their personalities are sometimes very different. Homer may be the kind of guy who skips out on work to become a mascot or a bodyguard to the mayor, but Peter is the kind of guy who builds a helicopter that resembles his face and crashes it into his neighbor's house. These dads may sometimes be bumbling fools, but at their cores, they are both men who care deeply about their family and want to see them be happy. Of course, they also wouldn't mind just sitting down and watching some football while eating snacks.
There is something about these two characters that really draws people to them. It might be their everyman sort of personas, or it might just be that they are both outright hilarious, often saying things that people carry with them forever. There are plenty of Homer Simpson quotes that have worked their way into people's daily lives, but Peter Griffin has also gotten off some good lines in his day. With both series reaching huge episode counts, it's easy to see how they have accrued so many great quotes between them. Of course, Homer Simpson was a huge influence on Peter Griffin, so some of their quotes really do sound interchangeable.
It would take a huge fan of both The Simpsons and Family Guy to figure out which animated character said each of these classic lines!
I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T…
This classic line was actually improvised on the spot by the character’s voice actor when he actually did misspell the word “smart” during this lively little chant. In the context of the show, this was an overenthusiastic reaction of one character’s acceptance into college, where he decided that because he clearly did not need his high school diploma anymore, it was totally okay to set it on fire while it was still hanging on the wall. He dances and chants while the wall slowly becomes engulfed in flames. Of course, this was also a good indicator of how well the character would do in college.
You know... I always thought that dogs, uh, laid eggs. And today, I learned something.
This is yet another example of a character having absolutely no idea how the world works, specifically when pertaining to the biology of dogs. This statement comes after watching a dog, specifically a purebred greyhound who was the pride of her owner, give birth to some puppies, ones that the family had been patiently waiting for. Of course, not all is as it seems, and one family member is particularly upset about how the puppies look when they are born. Yet another family member is actually kind of relieved that the puppies came out a certain way, but overall the whole situation is very weird.
Well of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.
Memory is everything, and sometimes thinking back on bad moments can make them seem even more visceral in people’s minds. That’s why this statement, while being rather unintelligent, is also kind of true. Things are bad if you remember them. That’s why there are some things that are just better left forgotten. They need to buried deep within the mind and left to fade away. Of course, people also need to learn from their mistakes, so maybe remembering everything isn’t such a bad idea. Just beware of how things can come bubbling back to the surface very quickly the further down you go.
Everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
Getting caught in a lie can be a pretty bad thing. No one wants to be outed as someone who doesn’t tell the truth, and yet there are still people in this world who pride themselves on just how much they can get away with. That’s why this character got himself caught in something of a contradiction, and was left to try and rectify the fact that everything he was saying was untrue. Clearly he just had to stop at some point, but the fact remains that he is obviously not very smart if he couldn’t really figure his way out of this statement.
You gonna eat that stapler? Wanna split it?
In this moment, a character is upset because his favourite tv show was taken off of the air by the local station. In an attempt to have the show put back on the air, the character marches down to the station and demands that it be reinstated. Of course, his request is quickly refused, leaving him no choice but to embark on a hunger strike. The hunger strike does not even last five seconds before the character is asking if the man he is there to see is going to eat his stapler. Of course, despite the man trying to tell him that he can’t eat a stapler, he asks if he wants to split it.
I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.
The nature of how people behave is always going to be a little bit mysterious, and in this case, the character who says this line realizes that sometimes people have trademark changes of heart on a whim. One day, they want to join the bowling team and experience some friendly camaraderie with other people. The next, they are taking away the bowling trophy for themselves because they figure they were the one who knocked over a single pin, thus winning the tournament. How people think and act might never be something that can be fully figured out, but maybe don’t bowl with billionaires.
I swear to God I thought dogs could breathe underwater.
Everybody needs to know the basic facts of life, such as the fact that dogs can definitely not breathe underwater. This was one lesson a character had to learn after driving his car off the road and landing it in a river. When he goes in to save the contents of the car (including the family dog), he first rescues a Thanksgiving turkey. He then drags out the sputtering dog, and that is when he realizes that his preconceived notions about how dogs respirate were clearly very wrong. He might have learned his lesson on this one, but there are still other things this character does not know.
Donuts...is there anything they CAN'T do?
The character who says this line has been known to marvel at how great donuts are in the past, but it was at this moment that a donut saved his life and also the lives of everyone who was riding on the monorail he happened to be conducting. This line was spoken after the runaway train was finally stopped by anchoring it to a giant donut sitting on top of a donut shop. While donuts don’t usually end up saving people’s lives, shouldn’t there be just a little respect at how great these desserts are at bringing people together and making everyone happy?
There’s a message in my Alpha-Bits! It says “ooooooo!”
This character is known for finding the strangest messages everywhere he looks, and he is not always known to understand them very well. For example, this moment takes place at the breakfast table, when the character is eating his Alpha-Bits cereal with another family member nearby. After revealing the rather spooky message that has been spelled out for him, the other character has to reveal, with a slightly impatient tone, that the character is, in fact, eating Cheerios. That means that the spooky message is nothing more than the misinterpreted readings of a man who doesn’t always seem to have his head on straight.
I have a confession to make. I did not like The Godfather.
This line is spoken by a character during a massive flood, which has left him and his family literally trying to keep their heads above water. He tells them that he has to get something off of his chest, and for most people this would be an admission of some past transgression. For this character, though, it is a moment to finally reveal that he does not care for the film “The Godfather.” His family does not seem to believe that someone could dislike the movie, and they try to figure out what he doesn’t like about it, though he just says “it insists upon itself.”
I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman
In times of need, people often look to a higher power, and usually that higher power can send some kind of help, even if it just appears to be in an abstract way, like an idea of how to solve a problem, or the discovery of the strength to do something. However, that higher power is not generally a superhero, as this character so clearly thought it would be. However, if there was any superhero worth praying to, it probably would be Superman, who would definitely hear the cry for help and come to the rescue, and who is also very strong and capable of solving just about any problem.
With great mustache comes great responsibility!
Growing a moustache to some people is a huge accomplishment. Even if they aren’t doing it for Movember, they think that just having one makes them automatically a cooler person. This could not be further from the truth, and yet there is something kind of amazing about how a really great mustache can elevate the looks of just about anyone. There are plenty of great mustaches in entertainment history, from Charlie Chaplin’s to Tom Selleck’s. However, only a select few people can really pull them off, as evidenced in one Seinfeld cold open, when Jerry and George immediately realized that they are not mustache people.
That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
Clown college may just be a joke to some people, but to this character it was something that was practically his destiny. He saw the ad for the college on a billboard, and was disappointed because he can’t eat clown college. The idea of the college then slowly takes over his every thought, until he is carving a circus tent out of mashed potatoes and envisioning his family as clowns. At the college, he learns valuable lessons, like which cities have the funniest names, how to throw a pie, and how to properly ride a bicycle through a tiny hoop.
I have an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
When someone has a great idea, it can be a little bit much to handle. After all, they may feel like they have to get that idea out of their head and into reality as soon as possible just to make sure that it doesn’t get away from them. For this character, having an idea at that level is likely to make his head completely explode if he even begins to think about it too much, or if he even starts to comprehend exactly what his idea is. In the end, this idea ended up being, to no one’s surprise, not very good at all.
What do you expect me to do with all these great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that’s what soap is for.
A man with a lot of great ideas sometimes doesn’t know exactly what to do with them. In this case, the man is actually not all that smart, so his ideas might not be that great to begin with. Still, when his wife confronts him about it, he stand s up for himself and his ideas, asking what he is supposed to do with them if he cannot release them into the world. Of course, this is less of a slam and more of a non sequitur, but the point makes it s way across to the listener, and it is a pretty funny one.
If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers
This character doesn’t seem to understand a lot of the logical connections that he misses with most of the things he says. For example, telling your kids that they have to work hard for the things they want, before turning directly toward the television so that he can hear if he won the lottery and would therefore get a lot of money without working for it at all. This is exactly the kind of thing you would expect from this dad, who has never fallen short of trying to find the easy answers. It doesn’t always work for him, but he does usually figure things out in the end.
You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel
This classic line is spoken by a character who has to rush out of the shower to answer the phone. Of course, it makes absolutely no sense, since he is wearing the towel around his waist and not on his head. The other strange thing about this scene is that the character is at work when he has to rush to answer the phone. Of course, the call is very important. His son’s school took a field trip to a box factory, and the boy was lost during the tour. Of course, he was actually just across the street at a TV studio.
Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
In this instance, a character had been driving around town in a tank, wreaking all sorts of havoc all over. Obviously this means that a lot of problems are being caused. Of course, by this character’s logic, any problem created by a tank should also be able to be solved by a tank. This is, of course, really untrue, as proven by the fact that the character only continues to exacerbate situations and annoy his friends and neighbors. This was also the beginning of a long-running joke involving the character’s neighbor having his blown up, before sliding off the top floor in a full bathtub.
How can I be a DJ? I'm just a guy with a laptop and an inflated self image.
This line is just an absolute dig at anyone who has ever fashioned themselves a DJ, despite having no musical experience or knowledge. To most people, DJ’s are just these kinds of people: guys with laptops or phones who just plug it into a soundboard, press play, then get paid for putting on a show. However, real DJ’s know that there is so much more to the art than just making a really great playlist and cross-fading songs into one another. Still, it won’t prevent more people like this from taking it up and doing the bare minimum just so that they can say that they have a cool job.
Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening
This is yet another little pearl of wisdom from one of these characters. His kids do not believe that their father is hearing their issues fully, or that he is interested in what they have to say. Well, they seem to be right about one thing: he definitely doesn’t care, but hey! That doesn’t mean he’s not listening and taking in their concerns. This is yet another example of this character straddling the line between being a bad father and being a good one. He has often said that he wants to be a good father, but not a great one.
Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
The character who said this line is often stumbling upon little bits of truth that, while being true, also sound ridiculous coming out of his mouth. For example, when the character says the lines, he is trying to dismiss real evidence of something happening, just by saying that people can prove anything if they have facts. Well, he isn’t wrong, but the way he is going about talking about it is wrong. This is the kind of thing that the audience has come to expect from this character, something that is at once true, but also being said as if it shouldn’t matter.
All right, a red light! Time to text and shave and whittle and floss.
This character is often spouting lines that make him look less intelligent, and yet, at the same time, they have an odd way of pointing out how weird the world has become. In this instance, he is stopped at a red light, which in his mind gives him the time to do a bunch of different things that people should absolutely not be doing while they are driving. It’s a way to show that the character is actually still not that smart, while also demonstrating that this is something that people do in real life. So clearly, there is a conclusion to be drawn from that.
Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?
In this moment, a character is lamenting how his life would be so much easier if he could switch his amounts of kids and money. Of course, the phrase “three money” makes absolutely no sense, but a lot of people probably understood where he was coming from. After all, having three kids can be expensive, and when only one parent is working a steady job, things get even harder. This moment of personal tragedy is all too true for many people out there, and what only makes this situation a bad one is that the character is saying this line right in front of his three children. Of course, they are used to it by now.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
It’s easy to get panicked in a stressful situation, so it’s easy to see why this character might ask the operator for such a simple number. After all, the number for 911 is exactly what it is, 911. Still, a lot of people might be able to relate to the panic this father was feeling in the moment, and when people are stressed out, especially by a medical emergency, they may do some silly things. In the moment, they probably wouldn’t even think about it, but later on, they might realize how silly the whole thing they said was, and they might even get a good laugh out of it.
No! You use real words! Internet stuff is not real words.
This character is not the kind of guy who likes to put up with a lot of new-fangled things that he does not understand, such as word that appear a lot on the internet. In this case, one of his close friends is talking about how he grew a mustache for Movember that got him featured in a Buzzfeed listicle. This, of course, really gets under the character’s skin, and he lashes out. Of course, a lot of people might have felt the pain of not understanding a lot of slang and internet buzzwords at some point, so this is actually pretty fair.
She might be worth a million dollars to you but to me she's worthless!
In this instance a character was trying to express a sentiment about his wife. He had just been offered a million dollars by her father not to marry her, but he ripped up the cheque and told her father that she is worthless to him. Obviously, he meant to say priceless, but the message is there, and this man and woman have enjoyed a mostly healthy marriage, one that hs given them three great kids. Things haven’t always been easy for them, but they are always right be each other’s side, ready to lend their support whenever it is needed.
Now let's go back to that...building...thingy, where our beds and TV…is.
This is a line ironically spoken by a character who right before had been saying that something had no effect on his brain. Of course, after saying a sentence like this, anyone would start to wonder whether he understood that he clearly had lost some of his cognitive abilities. This wasn’t the first time the character had said something that clearly indicated he could not think properly, and it definitely would not be the last, as he would go on to keep saying stupid thins for the rest of his life, often with his good-natured family rolling their eyes at him.
The lesson is: never try.
This is al ine spoken by a father to his children after they just fell short of becoming the heirs to the richest man in town. They were feeling kind of down, and the guy’s wife asked him to give them some encouraging words. He noted that even though they had tried their best, they had not succeeded. Therefore, the lesson is to never try. That’s pretty bad advice coming from a father, but it has become a mantra of some people in the world who believe that trying will only lead to disappointment. Hopefully they can realize that this was just a joke.
Gosh, it's not like the internet to go crazy about something small and stupid.
Even a character who usually has no idea what they are talking about can sometimes get a good zinger out there. In this case, the character might not have actually known what he was saying could absolutely be construed as sarcasm, but then again, it doesn’t really matter, does it? He might not realize that what he said was sort of the inversion of what people expect from the internet, it was just there for a laugh. It actually just shows that there is sometimes wisdom in the dumb things that either of these characters end up saying. Sometimes it just needs to be looked for.
Our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
Teaching kids how to behave and grow in the real world is the biggest challenge to any parent, and it can sometimes seem like a daunting task. For this father, as long as his kids are smart enough to program a VCR without spilling hot gravy on themselves, they’ll do just fine. Although, the specificity of this remark, along with how it is misspoken, betrays the fact that the father was, in fact, the person to whom this very specific event had happened in the past. Well, as long as his kids can keep from repeating his mistakes, he did a good job.
With $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like… love!
This line is spoken by a character who learns that his son is about to turn down a cash prize in favor of a full size elephant. This is obviously not a good idea, but the father clearly has some odd ideas about the value of money. For example, $10,000 certainly would not make him and his family millionaires, and second, everyone knows that love can’t be bought! Eventually the boy gets his elephant and it causes all kinds of trouble for the radio station who offered the choice as sort of a gag prize, but was soon given no choice but to deliver the elephant.
Well you guys we did it. We finally went to a restaurant without somebody yelling at us, and the rest of the place applauding them.
Sometimes family outings can be hard. That is especially true if your family is on the slightly dysfunctional side. For this character, that couldn’t be closer to the truth. His family is often causing trouble, from his rowdy out-of-control kids, to even the father himself, who often asks people stupid questions and makes a fool of himself on a regular basis. It’s no mystery, then, why people would feel the need to confront them, and why others would applaud the efforts of those people. So that means that one reasonably decent dinner out as a family is a huge accomplishment.
There are two types of college students: jocks and nerds.
This line is spoken by a character upon his arrival to the college that he was just enrolled in. It’s not hard to see why he thinks that college is like this. To prepare for it, he spent his days watching college comedies, and learning that jocks make fun of the nerds. He also learned that at every university, there is also a crusty old dean who will make life hard for the cooler students. Obviously, the character is wrong about everything, and even ends up making friends with a group of nerds who help him study. He in turn teaches them how to be cool.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
This character is telling his kids the story of when the second-oldest was born, and how it was sometimes difficult to take care of the things that matter. Luckily, he was not going to be kept away from his old friend, television. This was also during a time when the Olympics were in full swing, and a Soviet boycott of the games had left the athletes from the United States at a huge advantage. This was bad news for a local burger chain, which promised free burgers every time a US athlete won an event. It made for a perfect day, capped off by an hour-long “Mama’s Family.”
Now I may be an idiot, but there's one thing I am not sir, and that sir, is an idiot.
Even someone who has below average intelligence still has their dignity. They might not know everything, but they know how they are. Of course, trying to stand up to someone and not having the wherewithal to say something smart can really backfire, as it does in this case. While this character may have their pride and their dignity, what they definitely don’t have is a good comeback for someone who shows them less than the respect that they deserve ( or at the very least, the respect they think they deserve). At least this clumsy comeback was on the verge of being well spoken.
I call the big one “Bitey”
This classic line is spoken when a character is showing his family around his new office, which just so happens to be the cockpit of a monorail train. The character’s wife happens to open a nearby closet and discovers that there is a family of possums living in it. This prompts the character to point out that he named the big one “bitey.” It’s kind of adorable that this character became so attached to the possums that he decided to name one of them, but it is somewhat worrisome that there would be a family of woodland rodents living inside of a monorail train.
Isn't "bribe" just another word for “love?”
Conflating a bribe with love is probably one of the least intelligent things a person can do. And yet, this character thought that they were basically one and the same. He tried to buy his daughter’s love with a gift (a rather expensive gift at that rate). However, this plan seriously ends up backfiring when things go wrong for both the daughter and her father, leaving both of them angry with each other. This is why a bribe should never be used to buy someone’s love, because a person can never know if the love is genuine, or if it is just the response to the bribe.
I’m like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?
An understanding of history is key to knowing how the world works today. Of course, trying to compare oneself to famous historical figures is never really a good idea, especially if that person has all of their facts wrong. For example, this character clearly thought that the Apollo space program, which not only had men orbiting the Earth but also landed them on the moon, was started by one man, and that man was a fictional boxer from the Rocky franchise of movies. This is why it matters to pay attention in history class, so that no one ends up making a fool of themselves.
"To Start Press Any Key.” Where's the ANY key?
Computers have come a long way, but there are still the same old prompts, usually telling the user to press any key to continue. To a person of average intelligence, this just means, literally, push any of the keys on the keyboard to progress. To this animated father however, the prompt means that he literally has to find the “any” key on his keyboard and press that to move on. Of course, he doesn’t see the any key, but he does see “pig up” “catarl” and “esk.” He does get to where he needs to be though after trying to order a Tab.
I can be just as non-competitive as anybody. Matter of fact, I'm the most non-competitive. So I win
Everyone knew that person growing up, and maybe they even still know them now, who has to win at everything. They just can’t let things go, and they constantly have to prove that they are the best. Even when a person tells them that they are being too competitive, they turn that into a competition., That’s exactly what one of these animated dads did when faced with the accusation that he was being overly competitive. Of course, this is the kind of reply you would expect from a bumbling father who just can’t seem to learn anything through any of his experiences.