Few sitcoms can make it to twelve seasons and still turn out quality episodes. Few sitcoms can make it to twelve seasons, period, especially ones about the most terrible people to ever walk the face of the Earth. But there’s something about It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia that keeps the fans loyal and the show fresh, and it’s the fact that there are no emotional consequences of any of the characters’ actions.
There’s an endearing quality to the members of The Gang, who despite their hard shells and even harder words, are really vulnerable and innocent in their own ways. Ronald “Mac” MacDonald is completely delusional about his body image and his persona as a tough guy. Dennis Reynolds is a womanizing sociopath who sees himself as a god and desperately seeks the approval of others. Charlie Kelly is a beer-swilling rat killer madly in love with a girl who hates his guts. “Sweet Dee” Reynolds is constantly bullied and rejected by the people around her. And, of course, the crème de la crème, Frank Reynolds, the most disgusting and depraved human being who ever lived.
However, the very nature of these five people being terrible, uncaring people means that it’s hard to distinguish one character’s lines from the others’, so who said what?
“Later, dudes. S you in your a’s. Don’t wear a C and J all over your B’s.”
The Gang has been known to make crude sexual references. Dennis has worked out a strategy of using “the implication” of danger in order to get consent from women (but is that really consent?) and he secretly videotapes all of his conquests. Sex jokes are a hallmark of Dee’s persona, as she views herself as a saucy Jenny McCarthy kind of chick when instead she just comes off as crass, and Mac often makes passing reference to “hand stuff.” So, who made this confusing abbreviation?
“I will eat your babies, b*tch!”
The members of the Gang often make horrifying threats to people. Frank once told a Mexican immigrant that he would “blast your face off!” after she stabbed him in the leg with a scissor following a misunderstanding with the language barrier. Dennis threatened to skin Dee and use her skin to make luggage that he could add to his collection, and would probably do it if it wasn’t for the smell (“Think of the smell, you b*tch!”). But who told a woman that they would eat her babies?
“The acid’s making me feel like I gotta take a dump.”
The Gang has a long, checkered history with drugs. Frank once spiked Charlie’s beer with a ton of LSD (“Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating in my beer?”). Country Mac (Seann William Scott) gave them all weed to make it more fun when Mac took them to the Planetarium in the Season 9 episode “Mac Day.” Frank once asked a college frat for Quaaludes, which have been out of production for decades. And one time, one of the gang had this unusual reaction to acid.
“This music sounds like whales raping each other.”
There have been many instances where the Gang has shown off their flair for creating music. Mac and Frank booked out a hotel room to get into the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle and smash stuff to pieces (until Frank realized Mac had given his credit card to the front desk and started trying to glue the stuff back together). Charlie wrote a musical to win over a girl (and failed), and the Gang all performed in it. But which of them described a song with this colorful analogy?
“So you think not eating cat food is putting on airs?”
Cats feature prominently in It’s Always Sunny. The exact reason why remains unknown. Mac wore cat eyes when he appeared in Charlie’s musical in the Season 4 episode “The Nightman Cometh.” Charlie identifies with cats: they follow him around, cats stuck in walls are his “language,” and he uses them as his rat-slaughtering minions. Dennis’ ex-wife Maureen wore cat sweatshirts, then spent his alimony payments on surgery to turn her into a cat, and then got murdered. So, who said this quote?
“We’re trying to give you the Christmas spirit, dickhole!”
In the traditional sense, the Christmas spirit involves families getting together to love and give, eat turkey and drink eggnog, but the Gang has much different ideas. For them, the Christmas spirit involves robbing presents from other families’ homes, beating a mall Santa senseless, sewing a naked, sweaty Frank into a couch, receiving strange gifts from elves that have come to pay Charlie’s mom to pull a train on her, and getting “fake-out” gifts from Frank like a Countach or a Sergio Georgini handbag. Who said this?
“You ask to see a woman’s breasts on the street, you get slapped. You give her a free t-shirt and videotape it, and the clothes come right off.”
It’s fair to say that the men of the Gang appreciate the female form. Frank’s favorite hobby is “banging whores,” Dennis designed a series of dresses for voluptuous women, and Dee found Charlie “enjoying them very much this morning in the bar.” His excuse was, “I was scratching myself,” but Dee said he was “scratching hard and very vigorously.” Plus, the guys frequent the local strip club. But who appreciates the female form enough to make the video described here and enjoy the virtues of it?
“Grain alcohol, baby! Whenever there’s a potential riot, I’m getting blasted on grain alcohol.”
The Gang’s love for alcohol is well-documented. In the episode “The World Series Defense,” they were preparing to attend the World Series, they prepared a big batch of “riot punch” to drink at the game. They never ended up getting to the game – thanks to Mac, Frank, and Dee inhaling a hefty amount of poisonous gas, Dennis getting seriously wounded doing “The Ol’ Charlie One-Two,” the Gang’s beliefs of some myths about the Holiday Inn and the strategies of Scooby-Doo and his friends, and Mac’s delusions that he’s able to scale the side of Citizens Bank Park – but before all that, which character said this?
“Let’s pretend you aren’t who you are and just try to attract a woman.”
Aside from Dennis, who gets ahead by being a terrifying lothario, the Gang struggles in the world of dating. From Frank’s proclamation, “I’m Frak!” when the Gang tried group dating in the bar to Mac’s ill-fated romance with Carmen, the transsexual, which ended with what he incorrectly called “gay marriage,” they’ve never been able to hold down a relationship. And let’s not even get into Charlie’s tumultuous relationship with The Waitress. So, who offered this sage advice to their friend about the delicate process of attracting the opposite sex?
“Dude, do you have a boner right now?”
In the Season 4 finale, “The Nightman Cometh,” Charlie directed the rest of the Gang in a stage musical he had written in an attempt to win over the elusive love of The Waitress. The play went disastrously wrong. Frank mispronounced one lyric to make it sound like it was a song about paying him a “toll” to molest a child, and Mac, Dennis, and Dee all wanted to make it about themselves. Unfortunately, the play required them to wear spandex, leading to this quote being spoken. Who said it?
“When I’m dead, just throw me in the trash.”
The Gang has had a lot of dealings with trash. Frank and Charlie once lived in a dumpster after hoarding so much trash there wasn’t enough room in their apartment to sleep. Frank uses trash to plug up his open wounds and eats it in the ring. Mac and Dee once raised a baby they found in the trash. Charlie burns trash to power the bar. Mac and Charlie are white trash in denial. But who wants the trash to be their grave after they die?
“I’m in love with a man. A man called God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha!”
The Gang’s thoughts on God, the Bible, and homosexuality are a mixed bag. Mac is homophobic and anti-gay rights, and yet he’s clearly a closet homosexual. He’s also a devout Christian who swears by the Bible and rolls with God’s “mysterious ways” thanks to a healthy dose of faith. Charlie isn’t completely without religious beliefs, but he does get very frustrated in church when he has to stand up, sit down, get on his knees, and sing, all switching every few seconds. So, who is “gay for God?”
“That’s why we call it Charlie work.”
Charlie work is all the menial, disgusting work that gets delegated to Charlie, such as cleaning the bathrooms, killing the rats, taking down the hornet’s nest in the corner of the bar, stuff like that. Why exactly Charlie has been dealt this role has never quite been explained, since Paddy’s Pub was originally a joint business venture between him, Mac, and Dennis, so he has just as much pull as they do, but either way, Mac, Dennis, Dee, and Frank always give these demeaning jobs to Charlie, but which of them said this?
“I’m not asking you to do much. Just turn a blind eye while I rob this place stupid.”
There are some dubious money-making endeavors within the Gang. Frank has a handful of shell corporations to filter and launder his shady money through, including Frank’s Fluids, LLC, a soda distribution company that sells Wolf Cola and Fight Milk. Dee runs the double-dropping scam at every restaurant she works at where she will overcharge customers and then pocket the difference. But who sunk low enough to actually steal money and ask someone to do them the small favor of ignoring it?
“I think I’ve made myself perfectly redundant.”
No one in the Gang has ever been technically proficient in legal speak, and that’s why they often get screwed over whenever they involve the Lawyer (who has never been given a proper name, despite featuring in six episodes and being played by the brilliant Brian Unger from The Daily Show) in any of their various schemes. This includes signing over the profits of the Kitten Mittens and getting the business end of a divorce from Maureen Ponderosa. So, who was unclear about what it means to be redundant?
“If you’re dealt a bunch of lemons, you gotta take those lemons and stuff them down somebody’s throat until they see yellow.”
This quote is a lovely, charming twist on the common idiomatic phrase, “When life gives you lemons, you have to make lemonade.” It’s from the time the Gang attended their high school reunion and Dennis’ delusions of grandeur came crumbling down as the popular kids took him down a notch after they ousted Dee and bullied Mac (or “Ronnie the Rat,” as they called him), Charlie (“Dirt Grub”), and Frank. But which of these five dejected losers was the one that said it?
“Eating your drinks? That is genius!”
The members of the Gang have always managed to come up with creative ways to consume their alcoholic drinks, whether it’s hiding wine in a Diet Coke can or drinking “riot punch” (a mixture of Powerade and grain alcohol) at the World Series. One of them had an ingenious idea to cook a ham soaked in rum in order to get “hammered” whilst eating it. Another Gang member reacted to the idea with these words of high praise. Who was it?
“I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong.”
Everyone in the Gang besides Dennis goes about using The DENNIS System for ensnaring romantic targets all wrong. There’s a poetry to the way Dennis manipulates women, but the way Charlie, Dee, Mac, and Frank do it is ham-fisted and, in Dennis’ own words, “WRONG!!!” They all had their own ideas of how to demonstrate their value and engage physically, and as usual, their plans blew up in their face in spectacular fashion. So, which of them thought this was a good idea?
“I’m loving this canned wine thing.”
In the Season 5 episode “The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention,” Frank had gone so far off the deep end that the rest of the Gang decided to step in and do something about his behavior. Not because they were concerned for his health, but because it was bumming them out. Over the course of the episode, they all fell in love with the idea of using a soda can to hide the fact you’re drinking wine (causing the therapist whose help they solicited with the intervention to think that they all needed an intervention themselves), but which of them said this?
“A couple of hot dogs will calm me down.”
A couple of hot dogs would be enough to calm anyone down. The Gang loves hot dogs, as evidenced by their love of the Wawa and its hot dogs, which they expressed throughout Season 9 in “The Gang Saves the Day” (in which Frank fantasized that he went to eat a mountain of hot dogs while he let the rest of the Gang and the police be killed) and “The Gang Squashes Their Beefs.” So, which of the characters said this?
“I just want to be pure.”
All of the members of the Gang have a certain religious bent, whether it’s Christian or otherwise. Mac is a diehard Catholic who goes to mass on Sundays, wants a giant, blood-soaked crucifix to hang in the bar, and gives himself lashes with a whip for sinning. Frank has dipped in and out of belief systems throughout his colorful life, Dennis sees himself as “the golden god,” and Mac and Charlie once joined a cult that Dennis created to keep them in shape. But which of them wanted to be “pure?”
“I’m getting blackout drunk and you’re all leaving me alone.”
As we’ve always kind of known and found out for sure in the Season 9 episode “The Gang Gets Quarantined” when their addiction was tested, everyone in the Gang is an alcoholic. All of their bodies have a dangerous reliance on alcohol and none of them care, because they love to get drunk, so they don’t see it as a problem. But which of them wanted to be left alone so they could slowly and quietly slip into a state of unconsciousness?
“I hate listening to people’s dreams. It’s like flipping through a stack of old photographs. If I’m not in any of them and nobody’s having sex, I just don’t care.”
This quote applies perfectly to real life, when you’re scrolling through Instagram and realize you’re just looking at a bunch of pictures that you don’t care about because it’s people you hardly know having a good time that you’re not a part of. It’s the same when people tell you their dreams, because we’re all a little self-involved (or a lot) and afraid to admit it. But which of the Gang made this astute observation about the sad reality we live in?
“God, you’re disgusting. A disgusting animal.”
Everyone in the Gang is disgusting in their own way. Dennis is a borderline rapist using the fear of “the implication” to manipulate women, Dee is a raging alcoholic homewrecker who insults fragile men until she’s broken them down and they’re putty in her hands, Frank doesn’t know how long he’s got left and so he’s getting “real weird with it,” Charlie cleans toilets with his bare hands and hangs out in the sewers, and Mac wears his STDs on his shoulder with pride. But which one of them was hypocritical enough to call another “a disgusting animal?”
“Good morning, Juarez family!”
In the Season 4 episode “The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition,” the Gang breaks into Charlie and Frank’s Mexican neighbors’ house to do what they think is a good deed and redecorate the place in an ill-advised attempt to be like Ty Pennington. When they break the door down with a bowling ball on a chain in the middle of the night, one of the Gang greets the family, who think they are being terrorized. Which one of them was it?