Who Said It: Eric Cartman VS Bart Simpson
- by Ben Sherlock
- – on
- in Movies and TV
Eric Cartman and Bart Simpson are without a doubt two of the most iconic characters on television, and have been for decades now. In many ways, they’re very different. Cartman is undeniably more evil than Bart. Bart cowers in the face of bullies; Cartman grinds their parents into chilli and forces them to eat them, then licks their tears off of their face. When a therapist questions Bart, he gets hooked on their medication. When a therapist calls Cartman fat, he sends a text under the guise of Mitch Conner to the therapist’s wife that causes her to call him and then kill herself. And that’s without mentioning the shameless bigotry in Cartman’s heart (particularly his blatant anti-Semitism), whereas Bart is far more accepting of others (except his sister). But in many ways, they’re quite similar.
They’re both characterized by their bad behavior. Bart steals the heads of beloved statues; Cartman steals TVs on Election Night. Bart makes fun of his best friend for being a loser; Cartman makes fun of his best friend for being poor, and the other for being Jewish. Sometimes it can be hard to tell the two apart if you take away their physical appearance and leave only their words. Can you tell if these quotes are from Cartman or from Bart?
“Take a message.”
Both Cartman and Bart are known for their cheek. They’re two of the cheekiest characters on TV. They’ll both come out with the most jaw-droppingly audacious things. Cartman’s mother allows it because she’s a pushover and an enabler, whereas Bart’s is stricter and will punish him for his bad behavior. And we all know how much of a disciplinarian his father is. But which of them was cheeky enough to say this when his grandfather called to wish him a happy birthday?
“If I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.”
Both Cartman and Bart are characteristically lovers of violence. Bart’s favorite TV show is The Itchy and Scratchy Show, an extremely bloody and horrific version of Tom and Jerry. Watching a cat get ground up by industrial machinery and hacksaws always gives Bart a good kick. Meanwhile, Cartman is shown to have a sadomasochistic relationship with his toilet. Bart uses his slingshot to fire things at people. As The Coon, Cartman mercilessly scratches the hell out of his victims. But which of them said this?
“Well, I looked in my mom’s closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas: an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.”
Obviously the Christmas present in question in this quote is not for the naive boy saying it, but rather for his mother. So, the question really is whose mother bought this particular item for herself? Cartman has a most unusual relationship with his mother. For starters, she’s a single mother and he’s an only child, so it’s just the two of them. Meanwhile, Marge loves her “special little guy” and would do anything for him. But did she buy herself the UltraVibe Pleasure 2000? Is she that kind of housewife? Who said this quote?
“It’s a man’s obligation to stick his boneration in a woman’s separation.”
What with Cartman being eight years old and Bart being ten, their knowledge of the facts of life is very limited. Cartman has been told a thing or two by his mother, who is a prostitute, like how to be a lesbian (you have to lick carpet). Also, Cartman, as Dawg the Hallway Monitor, once said, “If you don’t wanna get her pregnant, take it out and pee on her leg.” Meanwhile, Bart has been taught by Homer, whose knowledge on the whole is extremely limited. Which of them said this quote?
“I hate you with every inch of my body.”
Both Cartman and Bart have that sweet, well-meaning, good-hearted (and sometimes annoyingly so), simple-minded friend in their lives that they don’t really like but then can’t live without. For Cartman, it’s Leopold “Butters” Stotch. And for Bart, it’s Milhouse Van Houten. At heart, they love these well-meaning doofuses, but they don’t often show it. More often than not, they’re the butt of their jokes, they insult them, and join in with other people making fun of them. But which of them went as far as saying this to them?
“A thousand dollars? But your ad says ‘no money down!’”
Neither Cartman nor Bart have ever really understood anything in financial terms. For example, Cartman doesn’t know what a reasonable price for shovelling the snow off of a driveway is. He asks for hundreds of dollars and then accuses the haggling customer of breaking his balls. Bart, on the other hand, will ask Homer for ridiculous amounts of cash at the drop of a dime, and Homer being Homer usually just blindly hands it over to him. Meanwhile, Bart is always finding himself getting screwed by salesmen’s scams. But which of them said this?
“I didn’t do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can’t prove it.”
Both Cartman and Bart have frequently avoided blame. They both love causing trouble, but neither of them like being in trouble. Bart has more of a conscience than Cartman, but they both duck out of blame whenever they can. In the South Park episode “Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow,” Cartman avoids the blame of crashing the boat into the beaver dam and flooding Beaverton for as long as Stan’s conscience will allow. In The Simpsons episode “Marge Be Not Proud,” Bart hides the answering machine tape from the store manager who he stole from and tries desperately to avoid going back to the store with his family. But which of them said this?
“Trust me, I’d never lie to you.”
Cartman and Bart are both dubious, deceitful, unreliable guys. As Bart said to Marge when she wanted to take him shopping for summer camp, “Just get me a deck of cards and I’ll win whatever I need from the other kids.” These kids can lie their way through any situation. However, as shown in the South Park episode “Fish Sticks,” Cartman sometimes doesn’t know when he’s lying. In that episode, he genuinely believes he wrote a joke that Jimmy wrote entirely by himself. Cartman actually remembers it differently from how it really happened. But of course, he does know he’s lying sometimes, especially when he’s using his mom to manipulate a situation like in “Breast Cancer Show Ever.” So, who said this?
“Selling out is sweet, because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money.”
Cartman and Bart will often learn moral lessons in episodes of their respective shows. Bart generally learns the right lessons. For example, he’ll learn to appreciate Milhouse more, or he’ll learn that his mom only wants what’s best for him. Cartman will generally learn the wrong lessons, like it’s okay to break the rules and lie because you’ll often get away with it. However, they’ve both learned good lessons and bad lessons. Which one of the two of them learned this lesson?
“Gee, sorry for being born.”
Cartman and Bart both face problems with their parents. Cartman was born illegitimately and Bart wasn’t planned, so their parents hold a little bit of resentment toward them. Cartman is a little more selfish and ungrateful when it comes to his treatment of his mom. He thinks that just because she won’t buy him an iPad, she hates him. Bart has more of a right to complain about his parents, since his dad is an abusive alcoholic who strangles him every five minutes. So, whose quote is this?
“Don’t you know the first law of physics? Anything that’s fun costs at least eight dollars.”
Neither Cartman nor Bart are averse to spending money on fun. Cartman escaped a school field trip to go to Super Fun Time, much to Butters’ chagrin, and he didn’t mind paying the ticket price for entry. Bart worked his butt off for a crabby old lady in order to make the money to go three ways with Martin Prince and Milhouse on a mint condition vintage comic book at Android’s Dungeon and they ended up going crazy over it. So, which of them said this?
“Dolphins, eskimos, who cares?”
Cartman has never shown any great care for the environment. He despises “tree-hugging hippies,” even once going so far as starting a hippie exterminating business. He also spoke about whales in a derogatory manner like he didn’t care about them, only to try and pretend he was talking about the country Wales when it became cool to care about whales. Bart, meanwhile, particularly doesn’t care about the environment as a means of ticking off his sister, Lisa, a huge humanitarian. So, whose quote is this?
“Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.”
Cartman and Bart have never really shown much of a care for religion. Their main adversaries are religious: Cartman’s nemesis Kyle is a practising Jew and Bart’s nemesis Lisa is a devout Buddhist. But they themselves have never really shown much of a care for religion. Cartman was briefly a Blaintologist, but he’s shown a disdain for the Catholic Church in quotes like, “Is the Pope Catholic...and making the world safe for pedophiles?” Bart himself once tested fate by selling his soul to Milhouse. But which of the two smart-asses said this?
“Everything changes when you get to big one-o. Your legs start to go, candy doesn’t taste as good anymore.”
Cartman and Bart have both had to deal with the aging process as someone in their life has had a birthday. For Cartman, it was Stan in the episode “You’re Getting Old,” when he became cynical and wasn’t fun to be around anymore. He solved the problem with alcoholism. That’s the darkness of South Park in contrast with The Simpsons. In The Simpsons episode “Stark Raving Dad,” it was Lisa's birthday and Bart singing her a song with ‘Michael Jackson.’ So, which character uttered this quote?
“Real guitars are for old people.”
Bart constantly makes fun of his dad Homer for being old (and for being fat and for being bald and for being stupid and for having a terrible job, among other things). He similarly makes fun of his grandpa Abe for being old, except he does it behind his back, which possibly shows signs that he respects him more (he is a veteran after all). Cartman has also been shown to make fun of old people. This quote is about how younger people are more interested in games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band than real musical instruments. Who said it?
“Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms.”
Cartman and Bart have both experienced dreams and lucid dream-like sequences when they want something badly. Cartman had a series of dreams about Kyle sucking his balls peppered throughout the “Imaginationland” trilogy, one of which being a horrific nightmare in which he sees Kyle in a meadow and finds that his mouth has been sewn shut. He also dreamed about the Nintendo Wii and the Chinese invading the world after the Beijing Olympics. Bart dreamed about a comic book he hoped to own. Which of them said this during one of their dreams?
“Special Olympics? What’s so special about it?”
Cartman and Bart have both shown insensitive tendencies. With Bart, it’s generally because he’s only ten and he’s naive. He doesn’t get cultural sensitivity and political correctness. However, with Cartman, it’s generally on purpose. He’s aware of what’s culturally sensitive and what people take offense to and what’s considered to be ‘the right thing,’ but his sociopathic nature paired with his general Archie Bunker-style bigotry means he doesn’t really care. So, which of them made this insensitive comment about the Special Olympics?
“How do I reach these kids?”
Both Cartman and Bart are underachievers at school (or least achieving the low, pathetic level of education they are capable of). They are constantly causing hassle for their teachers, Mr. Garrison and Mrs. Krabappel respectively. But which one of them said this? They were made the teacher for the day when theirs was out, and later got hired as the substitute teacher for a class of inner-city kids. He taught the class Edward James Olmos in Stand and Deliver-style, and it worked! Who was it?
“If I do something bad and there’s no one there to catch me, does that make me good?”
Cartman and Bart have both found themselves very confused by their morals. In “The Snuke” episode of South Park, Cartman believes his racism did a good thing, because his profiling of Muslims led to the authorities locating the real bomb that the Russian terrorists had planted. When Kyle debunks that, he still considers it a win that he got rid of the Muslims. Bart does seem to know right from wrong, but some of the teachings Homer has imparted onto him have led him to be very morally confused. Which of the two said this quote?
“Bush is a Nay-zee.”
Both the writers of The Simpsons and South Park spent the year 2000 to the year 2008 making fun of then-President George W. Bush. Much like current President Donald Trump is today, he was a gold mine for comedy writers. While Trump may be a bit too much so and he’s a satire unto himself, Bush was the perfect President to satirize. He was a simple-minded fool making malicious foreign policy decisions. It was like Forrest Gump was deciding to invade Iraq. Both shows made fun of the War in Iraq during the Bush administration. But which of these two boys couldn’t pronounce the word “Nazi” when reading a picket sign at an anti-war rally?
“Revenge is so very, very sweet.”
They say it’s a dish best served cold. If Quentin Tarantino is to be believed, it’s an old Klingon proverb. Both Cartman and Bart have been known to exact revenge on those who have wronged them. Bart usually stays away from the bullies, but if he gets screwed over by someone who he doesn’t fear, like Lisa or Homer or Principal Skinner or Mrs. Krabappel, then you can pretty much guarantee there’s a revenge prank coming their way. And as for Cartman, well, let’s just refer to “Scott Tenorman Must Die,” in which he made a kid cannibalize his own parents for tricking Cartman into buying his pubes. Who said this?
“I am through with working. Working is for chumps.”
Both Cartman and Bart are extremely lazy. Bart takes it from his dad, whose slovenly lifestyle has rubbed off on him. Cartman always delegates all the work on a school project to his friends Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, and never takes any for himself. This is partly because his eyes drift away as soon as he looks at words on the page of a book. Cartman also negotiates a couple of extra dollars out of each customer of his and his friends’ snow shovelling business, then sits back and talks on his cell phone while his friends do all the work, and still takes an equal cut of the pay. But which of these two characters realized this universal truth about work?
“Never underestimate the power of a free hat.”
Cartman and Bart both come up with business schemes and strange scams. Bart and Homer both became con artists in the style of Paper Moon and The Sting once, only to get conned themselves in order to teach them a lesson. And, of course, he frequently scams Moe with crank phone calls. Meanwhile, Cartman has been a talent agent, a sports promoter, an election campaign manager, and everything in between. So, which of them had the bright idea to use a free hat in business?
“I only lied because it was the easiest way to get what I wanted.”
This is such a beautifully simplistic quote – and so, so true. That’s the only reason to lie at all, really, and of course it’s why Cartman and Bart seem to lie all the time. In the South Park episode “Dances with Smurfs,” Cartman makes up a lie about Wendy Testaburger killing all of the world’s Smurfs. Bart frequently lies about where he’s going in order to go where he really wants to go. For example, he was grounded and forbidden from going to a rap concert, but then he went to the concert anyway. Which of them offered up this brilliant quote?
“All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.”
This quote refers to death metal bands, or sometimes just rock bands in general. To name just a few, the rock music genre has given us “Sympathy for the Devil” by The Rolling Stones, “Shout at the Devil” by Motley Crue, “Runnin’ with the Devil” by Van Halen, “Friend of the Devil” by The Grateful Dead, and many more. Cartman once noted how hippies can’t stand the sound of death metal – and he can’t stand hippies. Was it Cartman or Bart who said this?