Which Transformer Would You Drive?
- by Edward Cambro
- – on
- in Movies and TV
Transformers are giant, alien, sentient robots who can turn into vehicles or mechanized animals. If you can get past the insanity of the concept, the coolness factor of said insanity is enough to melt your face. Sure, if they really existed, the Autobots and Decepticons would raze the planet in the course of their eons-spanning civil war, but there could be a benefit from them being here.
So, what should humans really care about them apart from them being the next big things to destroy metropolitan centers? Well, did you know you can actually go inside them? They're basically super cool self-driving vehicles that, for some reason, take on passengers. That's right, Star Trek may have predicted the future, but The Transformers predicted our laziness. Often, human allies would ride in Transformers (ignore the sexual connotations), totally relaxed and not having to worry about anything. They're essentially being chauffeured, and who doesn't want to be pampered like that once in a while?
However, with so many different things to transform into, what would be your conveyance? A sports car? A jet? A modest sedan? The author is aware his would likely be a police car, but that's neither here nor there.
Take a quiz and find out which Transformer you would drive.
Pick a song: Moonlight Mile by the Rolling Stones or Aces High by Iron Maiden
Because one is about traveling on the road and the other is about flying? Get it? Aren’t we cute? We were going to add a song about traveling by sea, but the only one we could think of was “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” which seemed a little ghoulish even by our standards.
Pick a car
Most Autobots (and a decent number of Decepticons) turn into cars. Considering how many types of cars and how many Transformers there are, we’re going to have to narrow this down. Imagine wanting a cool sports car like Sideswipe but getting stuck with a cantankerous truck like Brawn or the whining putz Huffer.
Pick a color
Color is important. We all have a preference, especially in cars. Autobots tend to have bright colors, Decepticons darker. Also, let’s keep in mind that yellow and red cars tend to have higher insurance rates because they’re eye-catching or tend to be stolen more or something ridiculous like that.
Pick a plane
Transformers can turn into just about anything—including jets, airliners, spaceships and trashcans. So, if you prefer flying to driving, we need to figure out where you belong there too. Something luxurious? Something military-themed? We have all kinds of planes. They’re all pre-owned and have at least mild damage.
What's your preferred vehicle?
Okay, look, with all the characters and all the multitude of continuities, there are many types of Transformers with all kinds of crazy alt-modes. Which figures into your value system best? Do you want to keep to the continents or do you desire to move beyond them easier?
Your favorite Stunticon
In the G1 cartoon and the comics the Autobots owned the land and the Decepticons owned the skies. For Megatron’s army, the Stunticons made things even on the ground. The Stunticons provided ground offense/defense and merged into Menasor who became a singular threat among the Autobots for years to come.
What's your favorite genre?
Okay, let’s be real for a second. There’s life outside of The Transformers. Eventually, you haven’t to take a break from the alien robots. If you had to disengage from the sci-fi war of the Transformers where would you go?
Do you enjoy long drives?
There’s more to the world than dead land between exits. The great part about planet Earth is that you will never find the end of it; there are new places to explore. Except the beach, where the sand meets the sea. That really seems to be the end of it. Ask Seaspray.
Does flying scare you?
Prior to a flight, the author of this quiz has a few drinks. By a few drinks he means two beers. In flight, he means a whiskey. When he lands, he means two or three more whiskies. If you don’t travel that way maybe you should give it a try.
Do you prefer a smaller or larger car?
Imagine being a drifter—not in the boxcar, smelly way, but a cooler one. The one who wears a leather jacket and who has itchy feet that leads him from one location to the next. What do you take with you beside your bindle and substance problems?
Autobot or Decepticon
Sometimes you need the good guys to win because you just need a win yourself. Sometimes, however, you just love the bad guys—like the Decepticons, who have cooler colors, more complex characters (your mileage may vary). Both sides have made their cases, but which faction would you prefer?
Do you get car sick?
The author of this quiz would like to note that he can’t read a damn word in any book or article without getting carsick. Unless he’s traveling on anything other than a car, which is okay because he lives in New York, but once in a while, this rankles him.
What did you think of Beast Wars?
Beast Wars was a desperate attempt to either reinvigorate the stagnant Transformers brand or wring a few final dollars from its desiccated remains. The series was a hit. It featured strong writing and character development, though some fans were less than thrilled with the Transformers turning into animals.
What personality attracts you?
Having a Transformer be your chauffeur is going to be like being in a relationship. They’re going to always be there during long drives/flights. You’re going to want to match up with the right one; there’s a lot of quiet to fill from point-A to point-B.
Favorite food
If there’s one thing that makes humans better than Transformers it’s that we have a variety of cuisine. We’re not limited to energon. We have steak, lobster, burritos, and all kinds of crazy stuff to try out. Mind you, with your Transformer chauffeur, you can have full meals in your car without worrying.
Pick your favorite Combaticon
Is there a better group of Combiners? No. Of course not. The Combaticons are a group of military vehicles who combine to make Bruticus. They’re all armed to the teeth and their personalities are diverse, strange and useful. They rule. Screw Devastator.
What was your favorite part of Planes, Trains and Automobiles?
Planes, Trains and Automobiles is sad, sweet and very, very funny. Oh, John Hughes did it? Now it makes sense. This film is about family—one man trying to get back home to his, and another who wishes he had one to go home to. Look, the title fits with the quiz. Sue me.
What best describes your personality?
You don’t want to be an upbeat person and get matched with Dirge or Dead End. You don’t want to be a depressive and get matched with Blurr or Wheelie. In the end, sure, you get self-driving alien vehicles, but, good god, the personality clash would be hell on Earth.
Are you prone to road rage?
Look, there are a lot of schmucks out there on the road, I don’t care where you come from. Who hasn’t bitten their steering wheel or shouted every insult imaginable out the car window. But has it ever gotten worse? Fist fights, thrown lattes? The minor aneurysm?
How often do you get speeding tickets?
We won’t condescend at you by quoting the “need for speed” line from Top Gun (though that “Take my Breath Away” song is good—admit it, you like it too). For whatever reason, driving fast feels safer (to say nothing of the thrill of it).
Describe your group of friends
Like we said before, your Transformer vehicle is going to be like maintaining a relationship. How your friends and your spouse interact is important, and considering that this Transformer weighs several tons and is armed to the teeth, you’ll want to make sure everyone gets along.
How would your friends describe you?
We all see ourselves as the main character and friends are in the supporting cast. Some of us see ourselves as something of an anti-hero while others are oblivious to how much of a tumbling jackass they are. Try to be self-aware enough to accurate assess how your friends might really think of you.
Where have your favorite trips been?
I’m sure we’d all like to get away more than we do, but there have to a well-worn memory of a great vacation from yesteryear you like to play back a little too often these day. Funny the way time passes us by.
Are you a risk-taker?
We all push our luck in some ways, and if you don’t, we think you should. Shake you up right out of your comfort zone. Get you into a little bit of trouble. Have an extra drink or four—god knows once your robot chauffeur shows up you won’t have to worry about DUIs anymore.
Were you bullied in school?
School wasn’t the most fun. The socialization is good—school teaches you about dealing with others—making friends and spitting in the food of people who beat you up because you’re small and weak but also very spiteful. Anyway, so, how bad were those formative years of yours?
Who were you in school?
Yes, this is the second John Hughes reference in this quiz. High school was all about cliques and collectivist nonsense. We all fit into little groups both out of a desire to fit in and not fit in, even though you were somebody and nobody all at the same time.
Are you good at parallel parking?
Some people are lucky—they live in a suburban, residential area. They have their own driveway and garage; there are parking lots when you shop. The rest of us learned to parallel park. There’s an art to it. It’s still a giant pain in the ass.
Choose a job
We all have to make a living. Choose one from the list. If it so happens that your profession is listed, choose that one. Or don’t. It really doesn’t matter to us, but be forewarned, not all of the possible results of this test are positive.
Who is your favorite Transformers writer?
This is a pretty nerdy question, but if you’re taking this quiz there’s a good chance you’re not beating up Milhouse at school. There have been countless Transformers writers over the years, so we just pulled some notable names out of a hat. A Transformers hat.
What types of cars do you like?
Even if you don’t know anything about cars, you know what’s aesthetically pleasing to you and what you’d like to tool around in. There are many cars in the world/in the Transformers, so let’s just make this simple on everyone.
Beast Wars or Beast Machines?
Beast Wars was wildly popular and controversial. Its sequel series, Beast Machines, was only controversial. New writers were brought on board, the animation changed and so did many of the characters. Some fans have warmed to the show over the years, while others remain unmoved.
What is the better film? Drive (2011) or Duel (1971)
Drive has an elegiac feel and style to burn. It’s Steve McQueen cool if Steve McQueen was depressed. Duel puts a diminutive man in a crap car against a maniac truck driver. Both movies make the featured cars into characters—both force its leads into places they’ve never been before.
Which Megatron transformation do you like best?
Optimus Prime has more toys than any Transformer, but Megatron has gone through many bodies/alt-modes over the years. Invariably, Optimus is still almost always a truck, but the leader of the Decepticons loves changing things up so long as he gets to kill people.
Which Bumblebee alt-mode do you prefer?
Bumblebee is a solid guy. Upbeat, kind, brave and loyal. He has no problem fighting despite being small and not particularly strong. Originally, his alt-mode made it certain no lady Transformers would date him, but in recent years, his luck has changed: he’s a Camaro.
What's your preferred method of traveling?
We've danced around the topic all night, baby, but let's cut down to brass tax. These are your options. This last question will clinch which Transformer you'll be driving (until such a time where that Transformer is killed off by an enemy or decides to return to Cybertron).
