Which Starfleet Ship Would You Serve On?
- by Edward Cambro
- – on
- in Movies and TV
Star Trek: the progenitor of modern science-fiction television. Since the beginning, their ships have been something to envy. Sleek, sexy, and futuristic—they were the first indication of Gene Roddenberry’s positive outlook for humanity’s future. They had fantastic things like matter transporters, food replicators and holodecks. Sure, they’re for exploration, but they’re heavily armed too. Phasers with a range for miles. Torpedoes that could lay waste to a planet. Deflector shields that can shrug off nukes. The concept for these ships inspired George Lucas to do the same for Star Wars, adding his own FTL ships and creating “proton torpedoes” instead of “photon.”
Admittedly, Star Trek still had shields on their ships—something Star Wars has recently adapted. Yes, Star Trek did it first and Star Trek did it better.
Anyway, the ships in Star Trek are a forerunner in design and capability in many science-fiction fares since the franchise debuted. For this quiz, we’re only focusing on Starfleet vessels, since they’re the focal point of Trek, so we’ll just apologize to the Talaxian fans out there (if any).
You’ve always wished you could be on your own vessel your entire life, so here’s your opportunity. What ship are you on?
Who is your favorite captain?
Yes, this is the Sophie’s Choice of Star Trek questions. There are too many captains to name in this franchise, so we’re only going to list the most important ones, along with the most popular ones to make this as hard on you as humanly possible. The ship often reflects the captain and vice versa, particularly in the TNG era.
Pick your favorite setting
We’re not going to be vague and just call it space. Star Trek has space into quadrants, and have a variety of ships, stations, dimensions and timescapes to choose from. Look, with six TV shows, thirteen films and enough derivatives works to fill a black hole, you’re going to have to add some story diversity to keep things fresh.
Do you prefer the Prime universe or the Reboot universe?
Personally, we prefer the Prime universe. We like our Trek to resemble Trek and not The Transformers. The JJ Abrams reboots are full of empty calories and are empty action movies. We do like Beyond, however. It had a better balance between what the franchise is meant to be and what a casual audience might like.
What do you look for in a ship?
Starfleet has a vast array of starship classes, allowing for a surprising depth of design. From larger cruisers, to the more maneuverable escorts, to science ships able to detect the latest undiscovered phenomena and the most heavily-armed warships, the Federation is prepared to make first contact and make somebody wish they never answered the hail.
What division would you be in?
Do you prefer giving orders or taking them? Discovering new lifeforms, or defending others from them? Do you want to fix things or save people? You can do all that and more in Starfleet. Just make sure you’re an important character or you’ll probably be killed off. Then again, there’s usually one main cast member to die over the course of a series, so, hey, good luck.
What is your favorite antagonist species?
Star Trek not only has some of the best villains in science-fiction, they have some of the best villains in all of fiction. This, of course, does not include John Harrison from Into Darkness or that giant spray can from The Voyage Home. You can’t hit a home run every time, I guess. But we like to think Trek still has a great average.
What interests you most about Star Trek?
Star Trek has a little bit of everything. Bizarre science, well-developed characters, a complicated lore, and kickass action scenes. Admittedly, it’s usually lacking in the latter category due to budgetary concerns, but this is where we’re at. It’s primarily known for its heady philosophizing and storytelling that’s reflective of modern concerns. While it’s definitely a niche franchise, it does have a little something for everyone.
Who is your favorite security expert?
A captain needs a crew—especially a good one. Nobody wants to end up being on the Saratoga—the one ship in Starfleet that always seems to get its ass kicked no matter which era the story’s set in. Given that there’s a new alien threat every week, you’re going to want someone who will protect the ship competently.
Would you want to serve on the Flagship?
The Enterprise is the flagship of Starfleet. As such, it’s usually a powerful ship that’s on the frontlines of a battle, but is just as likely to get stuck on diplomatic missions and hosting summits. It’s kinda like having a Marriot onboard an aircraft carrier. However, if you’re not the flagship, you have a more diverse chance of assignments…but you can also be part of the patrol fleet pacing back and forth around an important outpost.
What word best describes your personality?
Kirk is a cowboy. Picard is a diplomat. Sisko is a builder. Archer is a paranoid schizophrenic. If you're going to be on a Trek ship, you’re going to need to not only be a compelling character, but also be simple enough to define so that audiences will understand you quickly. Remember, you don’t have to be interesting or likeable—just ask Lorca.
What kind of missions would you take on?
Do you want to explore strange new worlds? Seek out new life and civilizations? Protect home and hearth? Do you want to expand your knowledge of the mechanisms of the universe, be a pioneer in the infinitely foreign country of the stars? Well, you’ll need a ship to do it and you’ll want the right ship for the job.
What's your strategy in battles?
Eventually, you’ll probably get into a fight out there. Even if you’re not in a warship, you’ll need an advantage and a strategy in order to win the day—or at least keep from getting killed. If you get into a fight with a superior enemy, what’s your go-to method for survival?
How do you feel about Starfleet creating warships?
Gene Roddenberry’s vision for the Federation and Starfleet was a utopian one, and certainly not without major conceptual flaws. There were minor things—no Starfleet ships would use cloaks and they would never specifically develop warships. The Defiant, the Prometheus and the Enterprise-E changed all that. This change rubbed some fans the wrong way.
What kind of crew would you want to have on your starship?
Well, nobody wants a Neelix or a Wesley on their ship, so we won’t even bring that up. You want the right crew for the right ship on the right mission. You don’t want to drop diplomats on a warzone (your mileage may vary). You don’t want commandos taking biological samples. You don’t want engineers performing brain surgery and you don’t want Dr. McCoy telling you you’re drinking too much despite the fact he keeps Saurian Brandy on his desk.
How would you react in a first contact with an alien ship?
Space is big, but it’s also crammed with all kinds of aliens. So many it seems like you meet a new species every week. Strange that. Anyway, let’s say you’re zipping around space and you come across the ship of a species you have never met before. They don’t see you yet and they haven’t detected you. What do you do, hotshot?
What's your preferred method of dealing with hostiles?
This is more about temperament than anything else. How do you deal with an asshole? Over the years, we seen Trek’s captains deal with things in their own specific way. Kirk would push back. Picard would calm the enemy down. Sisko would burn a planet’s atmosphere. Archer would blame the Vulcans and commit genocide with the help of Dr. Phlox. (We’re not kidding, take a hard look at “Dear Doctor” and tell us that’s not what they did.)
Choose a non-Trek ship
Trek may be our preferred sci-fi space show, but there are others out there. Many others. Some read like more of a rip-off, others are original and stand on their own merits. Others…certainly exist. Most space series have ships comparable to ones we’ve seen elsewhere, so, for the sake of it, which non-Star Trek one would you tool around in?
What kind of captain would you be?
Trek is littered with all types of captains. Some good, some bad. They all have their reasons for doing this, be it reflective of who they are or just an image they would like to project. Janeway fostered a familial atmosphere when she wasn’t constantly breaking the Prime Directive; Jellico made himself distant from his crew and used terseness to seem certain of his actions.
What subject interests you the most?
What, we’re not allowed to get to know each other? We’re all friends here. Especially if you keep taking these quizzes. Most characters in Star Trek have extra hobbies to humanize them to the audience. Chakotay had many hobbies in an attempt not to seem like a block of wood. It failed.
Pick a vehicle
It never quite made sense that there weren’t cars in Star Trek. We never even saw a vehicle until Nemesis and that’s only because Patrick Stewart likes off-roading. Sure, you have shuttles and transporters, but too many times the characters would end up just walking vast distances to get from one place to the next. Makes no sense!
What series had the best uniform?
TNG and DS9 changed the uniforms for their crews during their run. TOS changed theirs several times between the series and the movie franchise. Consider them all in one category just to make things easier.
What would you have done?
In “I, Borg,” Picard and Starfleet have to decide what to do with a Borg drone disconnected from the hive mind. Starfleet wants to give Hugh a specially designed computer virus and give him back to the Borg. Once re-assimilated, the virus would spread and kill the Borg. Picard did not go through with the plan for moral reasons—that genocide of an enemy is still genocide.
Photon torpedoes or quantum torpedoes?
Is less more? Or do you prefer quality of quantity? Do you prefer the color red or blue? Debuting in Deep Space Nine and being used in the TNG movies on the Enterprise-E, quantum torpedoes (blue) replaced photon torpedoes (red) which were a staple of Trek since the Original Series. Photon torpedoes aren’t as powerful and are better for surgical strikes. Quantum torpedoes are…less forgiving.
Pick a superhero
Star Trek and comic book superheroes aren’t that far apart. Both are strangely colorful, both are meant to inspire, and both require heroic feats and sacrifice to save the day from an existential or philosophical threat. Also, both have attractive women in skimpy outfits. Did you know that there’s a series of X-Men/TNG crossover books? Trying to sleep tonight after finding that out.
Pick a genre
You can’t watch Trek all the time. The inconsistency will drive you insane. Of these listed genres, which one do you prefer? No, this isn’t some kind of trick question; just because Trek would genre-splice to save money or to just have fun doesn’t mean we’re trying to tie this in.
Pick a TV series
Again, you can’t always watch Trek. Sometimes you want to see Jack Bauer kill terrorists or the folks on Game of Thrones talk to each other in high-ceilinged rooms while we stall until the end of the series. Or Hannibal.
How do you handle stress?
Remember that episode of the Simpsons when Marge was losing her hair due to stress? Clearly, she doesn’t handle her middle class lifestyle with ease. Are you like that—losing your hair because you got pregnant too young and by the wrong man and now your life is ruined? Or do you just punch a pillow?
Who is your favorite engineer?
If there’s one thing Trek has taught us is that things break down on a constant frequency to the point where it seems like every ship and station is held together by duct tape and prayer. Starfleet has the best engineers—even a Vorta admitted to this, claiming they had a reputation for being about to turn “latinum into replicators” or something to that effect. Who’s your favorite fix-it?
Who is your favorite doctor?
What, would you prefer a Klingon doctor? Yeah, didn’t think so. Sure, McCoy was on goofballs and Bashir was technically a super soldier in disguise, but Starfleet has the best doctors in the quadrant. Okay, given the amount of dead Red Shirts in TOS and Gold Shirts in the TNG era may not be the best example, but you know, you still need a doctor on call for important characters.
Pick a color
You could say this harkens back to the quantum vs. photon torpedo debate or how the color of the phasers has changed over the years. Maybe colors reflect your personality the same way your ship does. Maybe we’re just messing with your mind. Maybe we’re planning on getting you a gift and we want to make sure we get the right color for it.
Pick a Star Trek villain
We’re no longer worried about the species. Now it’s just down to one person. Star Trek has an impressive collection of diverse villains. Operatic ones who quote literature. God-like entities whose goals are never quite clear. Despots and political climbers. In Star Trek Enterprise, even the writers were villains (tee-hee).
What’s your marital status?
Relationships in Star Trek are possible—even for the captain. They usually don’t last for more than an episode, but there are exceptions. Actually, just one: Ben Sisko and Kassidy Yates. They got together and stayed together. God knows we never got any real closure on Picard and Beverly Crusher. Anyway, you single or what?
Do you prefer Star Trek or Star Wars?
You can be fans of both. Hell, you might even be taking this quiz but prefer the Millennium Falcon over anything in the Trek oeuvre. At the end of the day, however, you probably like one a little more than the other. Look, we get it—those lightsabers are cool. But, you know, so are good characters and sensible stories. But, hey, whatever you like, man.
Do you like Star Trek: Discovery?
The series may still be in its infancy, but as the first Star Trek show in well over ten years, it was always going to be put under a microscope. Its story and character decisions have been controversial since the first images were released. Halfway through its first season, both the die-hard fanbase and the casual viewers seem to be at odds. How do you factor in?
Kirk or Picard
This is the age-old preference question. Not a fist-fight. God knows Kirk would win automatically. Picard is like the father you never had. He’s paternal, gentle and kind. He’ll also chew you out if you screw up. He’s not afraid of a fight, but he won’t be pushed around either. Kirk is more of a cowboy; the man you wish you could be. Suave, certain, charming. It’s a tough call.
