Which South Park Kid Are You?

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South Park has one of the greatest ensembles in all of television. Sure, the supporting cast is great, including such hysterical icons of comedy as Butters, Randy, and Mr. Garrison (now President Garrison), but it’s the main four boys – Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny – who anchor the show. They’re the guiding beacons of the series. The kids in South Park lead quite possibly the most interesting lives ever. Forget Richard Branson or Gandhi or Nelson Mandela; these boys accidentally went to Afghanistan and inadvertently found Osama bin Laden like three weeks after the September 11 attacks. They exposed Mel Gibson for the bigoted psychopath that he is just as The Passion of the Christ was breaking box office records. Cartman founded the best-selling Christian rock band of all time and he’s not even Christian! He simply manipulated them. Stan got the entire world hooked on his every word after trying to point out how stupid they are for believing in psychics. Kenny is a real world Batman called Mysterion and the residents of South Park all look up to him and root for him. Oh, and he can’t die. These are the four most amazing people on television. But which one are you? Take this quiz to find out!

Question 1

Which of these movies is your favorite?

Everyone has a favorite movie. This one doesn’t necessarily have to be your favorite movie ever, but it has to be the one you like the most out of these options; the one you most connect with. So, out of these four movie choices, which do you like the most?

Question 2

Which of these sports is your favorite?

Given that the fictional town of South Park is situated in Colorado, near Denver, the lead characters’ favorite sports teams are all situated there, too: the Denver Broncos, the Denver Nuggets etc. But they all have different favorite sports. Which of these is yours, or at least your favorite of the bunch?

Question 3

Do you care about politics?

It's an interesting time politically at the moment, what with a President who came out of reality television and an impending nuclear war and the first ever black President just left office and Russia might have interfered in the last election. But not everyone cares about that. Not everyone follows politics, or cares about the swing states and Electoral College. So, do you care about politics?

Question 4

Are you a sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll kind of person?

Some people enjoy chasing girls and talking about sex all the time and living a hard partying rock 'n' roll lifestyle by taking hallucinogenic drugs and sniffing glue and lead based paint and finding other creative ways to get high from everyday household items. Others don't. Do you?

Question 5

What religion do you hail from?

Not everyone does subscribe to a religion. Organized religion is slowly becoming more and more archaic now anyway. But some people still do go to church or temple or whatever and practise a religion. Some people are agnostic, because they don't know what the hell is going on (and neither does anyone really, it's all based on faith). So, which religion do you belong to?

Question 6

What are you most afraid of?

Everyone's afraid of something. Big or small, everyone has a primal fear that strikes terror into their hearts. Sometimes it's something trivial like talking to girls, while other people are scared of spiders or clowns or the daddy of all fears: death. This concept was central to the recent horror movie It, which is now the highest grossing horror movie of all time. Do you know why? Because it taps into the very real fears that humans have. So, what scares you the most?

Question 7

What would Brian Boitano do?

What would Brian Boitano do, if he was here today? He'd make a plan and he'd follow through, that's what Brian Boitano would do. South Park predicted he was gay decades before he publicly came out, but they never said anything bad about him because he's the boys' hero. They look up to him in times of need and follow his example. So, what would Brian Boitano do?

Question 8

What are your thoughts on women?

Women are finally starting to get some of the respect and appreciation they deserve, and gender roles are finally starting to change. The norms are being broken down and sexism and misogyny are being combatted. So, what are your thoughts on women? (If you're attracted to men, answer with regards to men instead.)

Question 9

Which character do you relate to the most?

The whole point of fiction, especially comedy, is to present an audience with relatable situations in which they can identify with the central characters. However, everyone's different so no one is going to relate to the same characters. That's not how it works. You just watch enough stuff until you find that one character who you can see yourself in. Of these four guys, who is that for you?

Question 10

What's your class?

Class pretty much decides everything in society. There's a huge divide between the 1% and the 99%, and then the 99% is split up into its own subset of classes. There's upper middle class, lower middle class, working class, and then after that you're pretty much impoverished, not that there's anything wrong with that. Your class informs your character; it informs what kind of person you are. So, what is your class?

Question 11

What’s your favorite color?

A favorite color is such a random and arbitrary thing. It doesn’t serve any purpose to your life whatsoever. At least a favorite book or a favorite band or a favorite TV show can be enjoyed in a tangible way. There’s no point in a favorite color. On that note, what’s your favorite color?

Question 12

What role would you have on a news show?

Let’s say that, for argument’s sake, you were to join a news show in some capacity – a news show like Super School News or its later incarnation Sexy Action School News. You might be on-air talent or you could perform duties off-camera. Or maybe you don’t want to get involved at all. Which is it?

Question 13

Did you learn something today?

A big part of a South Park episode – especially in the earlier seasons, back when the episodes all followed a more traditional structure – is the “I learned something today” speech at the end. It’s when one of the boys tells the audience the moral lesson they learned from the satirical events they’ve just been through. But did YOU learn something today?

Question 14

Do you think invincibility would be cool?

If you couldn’t die, would that be cool? Think it through. If you ever got killed, you would still experience the intense agony of death and go to a really dark place in order to get resurrected. It would be harrowing. But then again, you wouldn’t have to be scared of anything, because you wouldn’t die. So, do you think invincibility would be cool?

Question 15

Jews carry a bag of gold around their necks: true or false?

According to Eric Cartman, “All Jews carry gold in a little bag around their necks.” He furthers this absurd idea: “I know that all Jews carry fake bags of gold around their necks to keep the real bags of gold around their necks safe.” So, the theory is this: Jews carry a bag of gold around their necks at all times. Is this true or false?

Question 16

Do you understand sexual slang?

If you hear some vulgar sexual slang, are you like, “Yeah, I know what that means,” or are you like, “Whoa, what?!” It all depends on your upbringing and how much your parents sheltered you from. The internet has made sexual knowledge very easy to acquire, but some kids’ parents restrict their internet access. Do you understand sexual slang?

Question 17

What color is your hair?

There are four primary hair colors – black, brown, blonde, and red. They’re the main natural colors that your hair can be. You might choose to dye it blue, green, pink, white, sparkling purple, whatever, but what color is your hair actually? What hair color were you born with?

Question 18

Faith Hilling or Taylor Swifting?

When it comes to memes, you have to adapt with the times. That’s the message of the South Park episode “Faith Hilling,” in which Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny try to keep up with the latest meme crazes. So, would you continue the grand tradition of Faith Hilling or would you adapt to Taylor Swifting?

Question 19

PS4 or Xbox One?

This was a huge debate like three years ago. It doesn’t matter so much now, but back then, it was as heated as the Hillary Clinton/Donald Trump election race. That was reflected in the South Park trilogy of episodes that presented the PS4/Xbox One race as a Game of Thrones-style epic. But which side were you one?

Question 20

Which group of people do you hate the most?

This isn’t about prejudices against people for the things they are born with, like race or sexuality. This is about the things that they do actually choose, like fooling naive people with phoney psychic readings or being a hippie who simply acts high and mighty because they’re in college and talks about doing things without actually doing them. Which do you hate the most?

Question 21

What do you hope to do in the future?

Everyone has dreams and ambitions, be they selfish ambitions like to be a rich movie star or selfless ambitions like to be the UN ambassador who brings about world peace. Everyone’s dreaming and reaching for something. But what are your dreams? What do you hope to do in the future?

Question 22

Who is your favorite supporting character from Craig’s gang?

Craig’s gang, also known as Craig and those guys, are the counterpart group to Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny at South Park Elementary. The group is made up of Craig, Token, Clyde, and Jimmy. Your favorite from that group could determine who your favorite from the original group is. Who is your favorite from this group?

Question 23

Do you like Canada?

A lot of Americans despise Canada for some reason. Canada is America’s weird, cold cousin where everyone’s nice, the health care system works, and the mass shootings are only occasional at best. Perhaps America is jealous. Maybe you’re not one of these jealous people. Maybe you like Canada. Do you?

Question 24

Are you a Keanu Reeves?

Being a Keanu Reeves is a big responsibility. It means you’re a chosen one kind of figure and you’re in charge of commanding an army through an epic battle. Kenny was once Heaven’s Keanu Reeves in a battle with Hell. It was bigger than the final battle in The Lord of the Rings movies. But are you a Keanu Reeves?

Question 25

What's your biggest flaw?

Everyone has a flaw. It could be a big one or a small one, but everyone has some kind of flaw in their character. Cartman is bigoted, anti-Semitic, racist, genuinely evil etc. whereas Kyle simply hates germs and gives preachy monologues, which is nothing in comparison. What’s your biggest flaw?

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