Which Seinfeld Character Said It?
- by Jessica
- – on
- in Movies and TV
Originally released in 1989, Seinfeld has regained popularity over the few years as millennials reminisce on some of the seasons of their nineties childhood. The show is crafted around the different stories four friends share about their everyday lives in New York City. Set in either Jerry's apartment or Monk's Café (actually filmed in Tom's restaurant), the show gained a cult following that is now reemerging.
Named after the protagonist, comedian and co-writer Jerry Seinfeld, the tv series is informally referred to as the "show about nothing". In a sort of meta scene, this nickname was affectionately coined by Jerry and George in season four when asked to develop a tv pitch for NBC. The brainchild of Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld fits this pitch in a way because there is little character development and the writers aren't pushing a moral agenda.
Initially called "The Seinfeld Chronicles," early-on the show failed to impress audiences and networks. However now it is hailed as a classic that raked in over a 3 billion dollars revenue for syndication in the late nineties. The comfortability of the show and reliability of the characters are what made the show all along, and audiences' palates gradually adapted to the everyday humour.
Do you know Seinfeld well enough to match the characters with their quotes?
"I was in the pool!"
In "The Hamptons" the gang travels to visit friends and their two year old baby. This character is embarrassed by someone walking in on him when he is getting dressed post-swim. The woman, Rachel, apologizes twice as a double-entendre. One for walking in and the second for his assumably small size. The character tries to justify this latter idea by screaming this line-- meant to convey he is not usually that small. Of course, it could be seen as karma for just before intentionally walking in on Rachel getting dressed.
"Cable boy...what have you done to my cable boy?"
In Season two "The Baby Shower" Kramer convinces Jerry to invest in cable TV. In classic Kramer fashion, the access to extra channels is extremely cheap because it is actually illegal. The the cable is being installed by Russian handymen that need to be paid under the table. Jerry, who usually plays by the rules, is at first skeptical. He dreams up a scenario where the government hone in on his and Kramer's illegal cable networks and have come to arrest them.
"These pretzels are making me thirsty!"
One of the foursome was asked to star in a movie directed by Woody Allen. Originally they were an extra but by making Allen laugh they were rewarded with a bigger role. So they are given the line above and talk about the delivery and the scene framing. However, there is an accident that interrupts shooting and forces Allen to question if he wants to continue filming in New York. The character ends up shooting the scene but it goes awry when they slam a beer glass down and the shards hit Allen.
"But I don't wanna be a pirate!"
In this episode Kramer's girlfriend is a fashion designer with a really low voice. When he introduces her to Jerry and the gang her low voice prevents them from hearing her side of the conversation. Instead they just nod and agree to whatever whispered contribution she makes. So, unwittingly one of them agrees to wearing her new puffy shirt styles to a special event. Kramer mentions that the styling is pirate-like, that subconsciously people want to look like pirates again.
"Let me be the architect! I can do it!"
In the very first episode Jerry meets an attractive lawyer at a dinner party and is intrigued. However, she leaves before he can catch her name. Instead of asking Elaine, his date and in to the party, he follows his father's advice and stakes out her work lobby. The line is delivered when this character, always wanting to make a suave impression on the ladies, envisions himself an architect to justify his and Jerry's presence in the building. Of course, when he delivers it he adds that he works on railroads, a job more typical for engineers.
"What were you thinking!? What was on your mind!? Artistic integrity!? Where did you come up with that!? You're not artistic and you have no integrity!"
In the fourth season's "The Pitch" Jerry and the boys brainstorm ideas to sell to NBC. Between pitches of a nosy antique store owner and a gymnastics coach, they coin the idea of "a show about nothing". Clearly there is a meta relationship here because they describe how the people Seinfeld knows play themselves. However during the pitch, the network doesn't seem to get the premise. So, the boys walk out a little hot and bothered, saying they'll take their original content elsewhere.
"Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless warmonger, might as well get a Mengele"
The foursome is going over to the van Grak's for dinner and they stop at a bakery so they can contribute a dessert. Unfortunately they forget to take a number before lining up and so lose their spot to other acquaintances going to the same party. The real tragedy is that the acquaintances took the last chocolate Bobka, the very dessert the gang had decided to bring. The scene turns into a debacle as they have to redecide what to get and then aren't satisfied with their choice.
"Serenity now!"
This question is asking about the initial delivery of this line in season 9. This character's therapist counseled him to repeat this message whenever he felt his blood pressure was rising. However, they did not specify whether the message "serenity now" should be whispered or yelled. Consequently the character always screams it in a state of distress. The phrase gets picked up by another character once he is goaded into a computer sales contest against his childhood nemesis and mother's favourite Lloyd Braun.
"You're as pretty as any of them, just need a nose job"
In season three's "The Nose Job" this character is a bit too honest with George's girlfriend. While he is known for being candid, he can also be socially and emotionally aloof, causing people to feel uncomfortable. This character does not even see the consequence of his straightforwardness because he does not intend for his comments to be taken in a malicious way. What's worse is other characters, prompted by George, have been discussing her nose since the beginning of the show.
"Listen to this, my seat's got a memory. In case somebody moves it. I could be in prison for five years, I come out, my seat comes right back to where I like it."
In season seven's the first "Cadillac" this character acquires the classic car and is completely enamoured with it. But both his partner and jealous neighbour refuse to share in his elation. Instead, he gets accused of stealing money to afford the car. Through some democratic appeals he almost saves face but Mrs Choate turns against him when she remembers "The Rye" incident. In this hour long episode the car ends up being confiscated and ruined just as the guy was getting the settings adjusted to his liking and everything.
"It was his mistress who insisted he called it 'War and Peace'. 'War--What Is It Good For? Absolutely nothin'!' (sung). That's the song that they got from Tolstoy."
This character is asked to pick up an important Russian author with the boss. These scenes highlight how different American and Russian senses of humour can be, especially since this author Testikov has absolutely no patience for jokes or modern devices. After the character delivers this line, their mobile organizer starts beeping and the author chucks it out the window. The joke is especially funny as the Russian oeuvre gives a positive view of competition and war whereas the hit song is completely against it.
"He's working on lowering the cholesterol in whales. All that blubber, quite unhealthy. You know, it's the largest mammal on Earth, but as George says, they don't have to be."
After running into an old friend from college, this character makes up an elaborate scientific career that George is supposedly involved in. Since they were previously talking about whales, he decides to tell the college "it" girl George has become a marine biologist. Her interest is immediately piqued and she asks for his number. George is ecstatic until he realizes he has to keep up this pretence for their budding relationship to survive. Soon his "career" is tested by a date with the college girl on the beach.
"Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called- they're running out of you!"
In an office meeting where this character was chowing down on the free shrimp a colleague calls him out and embarrasses him in front of everyone. Once the meeting is over the character is obsessed with getting his rude coworker back. Other members of the four try to hint his comeback is not as biting as it could be. They give him suggestions but he is stubborn in his comeback idea so much that he even wants to follower the jokester to Ohio to deliver it.
"What do you know this woman, a month? Let's see, you're going to be with her seventy-two hours. That's a dating decathlon."
Jerry's first on the show girlfriend is tested by a weekend getaway in Vermont. Jerry is eager to see whether they will work out; he's all about the efficiency of dating and thinks the vacation will hasten the process. So, this line comes as wise dating advice from another character who predicts the weekend will go less than well. He's right in that Jerry might be putting too much strain and pressure onto the relationship. When bad weather hits Vermont it's obvious Jerry should've heeded this advice.
"We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords."
In the episode "The Bookstore" two of the boys think the dwindling Hong Kong rickshaw business would be perfect in New York. However as soon as they enlist runners (two homeless men from their block) one of them straps it on and runs away with it. One of them mentions they should have asked for his bag of cans as collateral. Eventually they find the rickshaw and the culprit, Rusty, but then they decide who has to run them back home with a rhyming game like eenie-meenie.
"We're neighbors, what's mine is yours"
In a Seinfeld episode that is full of distorted time and location sequences, Kramer and his hot dog vendor friend FDR are trading wishes back in Manhattan. At the unlucky pull of a wishbone Kramer gets sentenced to death. He scrambles around New York searching for ways to gain wishes to reverse the death sentence. This instantly regrettable line comes at the end of the episode which was the beginning of the entire sequence of events (because the episode was told backwards).
"Newman, let me have a bite of your Macanaw...come on, c'mon i need to taste it....nothin', can't even taste a Macanaw. Waited all year and I can't even taste it."
In New York some of Jerry's friends longingly await for the two weeks a year that they can enjoy Macanaw Oregon peaches. One of them even likens the gastronomic experience to having a circus in your mouth! However, this is the episode where Newman has infested Jerry's apartment with fleas. The tiny parasites need to be exterminated and everyone is supposed to evacuate the apartment for two days. But this character mistook the sign to be fake and the fumigation causes a temporary loss of their taste.
"I'm gonna read a book! From beginning to end-- in that order!"
After getting laid off from the Yankee management, this character receives a care package of three months paid vacation. He gets really excited at the thought of improving himself and comes up with the the novel idea of reading a book from start to finish. Listing a bunch of ambitious and fulfilling activities, he makes it sound as if there will be no time wasted. However, in the following days he doesn't get up to much and chalks it up to "de-compressing". I'm sure we've all been there.
"Listen to this: Marcy comes over and tells me her ex-boyfriend who was over last night...and yada yada yada i'm really tired today"
In the "Yada Yada" one of the group is dating a girl who uses the colloquial expression every other sentence. He questions whether his girlfriend would "yada yada" over sex as she used the phrase it in a context describing her and an ex-boyfriend she recently saw. Elaine confirms she uses the "yada yada" to refer to sex quite often. Eventually the friend gets fed up with the 'yada yada' asks his girlfriend for full disclosure and hears she is a kleptomaniac.
"I'll tell you what I'm looking at: the next condo president of Del Boca Vista, Phase Three."
In "The Wizard" one of Jerry's friends decides to retire and move down to Florida. He's the hit of all the retirement activities, from golfing to dancing to ping-pong. Convinced that he belongs there and that it is relaxing him, he's ready to stay. He's even exploring the new and available dating pool. One of the other members even calls him charismatic and that sparks the idea to have him go for government. The community loves him, perfect since someone decides to organize his campaign and platform in his name.
"Who's gonna turn down a junior mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious!"
One of Elaine's old boyfriends, the fat artist guy Roy, is having surgery and the crew decides to visit him in the hospital. Some of the friends are very concerned about the use of retractors in the procedure, prompted by a recent viewing of "20/20" on cable. They accept the doctor's offer to sit in on the surgery, viewing it as an entertaining type of show and bringing snacks. However, when a junior mint falls into Roy's cavity there is a squabble about who is at fault.
"We gotta catch the Early Bird, it's only between 4:30 and 6!"
In "The Cadillac" Jerry has to reintegrate back to some of the norms of his parents. While there he flips through old comic books and reverts to some of his childhood habits. However, he will not shift on the fact that he can't eat as early as his parents want. Especially since the dinner would be steak. Unfortunately, eating times are the subject of much gossip at the Florida condo community and his parents get a bit of flack for eating later than usual.
"The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA. Let's see how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah."
In "Serenity Now" this character is helps out with the Costanza's home repairs in Queens and comes away with a nice screen door. For most it is not the first piece of equipment necessary for a New York high rise, but he finds it nostalgic of bungalows and breezy plains. After this the episode takes on a hyperbolic twist of the him trying to integrate all aspects of American summertime life in his NY apartment. From flowerbeds to fireworks, this character does a good job.
"These showers are horrible, there's no pressure! I can't get the shampoo out of my hair! If I don't have a good shower I'm not myself, I feel weak and ineffectual."
This episode perfectly establishes the importance of a good shower head. Once Jerry and Kramer understand the new ones are "low flow" they know there will be problems. Jerry has a booking on the Tonight Show the next evening. Interestingly it is one of the few times the Seinfeld's and the Costanza's socialize. As soon as both Jerry and Kramer try the showers they realize they can't live this version of themselves, both have flat hair and their self-confidence plummets.
"Ok, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here (pulls off tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex (shows large piece). Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence."
One of the boys is cornered into a dry-spell of sexual activity when his girlfriend reveals she has mono. At first he is devastated, scheming for ways he can pass up sex for six weeks. The rest of the foursome start noticing a change in this character, he is slowly becoming a self-motivated intellectual. One of them remarks that he knows what is going on. Prior to this the abstinent boyfriend had been so focused on sex he'd neglected all other human pursuits.
"Thank God I took off my heels and put on my...HIMALAYAN WALKING SHOES"
In "The Hot Tub" one of the four has got a new job working for the J. Peterman travel catalog. The character needs to sell specialized equipment for these scenic tours. The hilarity comes from this writer dreaming up scenarios with the gear while thousands of miles away from the destination.They are also in charge of picking up Olympic runner Jean-Paul, he is relying on them to wake him up for the big race because he slept through the last one.
"All she said in the car on the way over was 'why'? I said because it's there."
The intro to the episode "The Contest" relies on some heavy double-entendre. Without explicitly defining the scenario, one character confides how their mom walked in on them mastrubating. The character relates they were looking at "Glamour" magazine to encourage them which the listening three find hilarious. Finally, the character says their mom almost fainted and they didn't know whether to "keep her from falling or zip up". They resolve to never "do it" again while other members of the four bet against who can keep from "doing it" the longest.
"What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies..."
Two of the friends go to a family party at a Polish relative's household, Maya. The topic of owning animals when this character brings up a relatable truth about the types of children who grow up with ponies. However, the joke is ill-suited for the occasion as the host herself grew up with one. Both of the friends assumed she wouldn't because she immigrated to the US. Havoc follows this remark as the host leaves the table and later dies.
"Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him and I really watched him. I studied his every move. For example, he dunks."
In "The Note" this character swears he saw Joe DiMaggio sitting across from him at the donut shop. Then they launch into an explanation as to why this time(!) it was him. The evidence of their argument comes from Joe being so focused on dunking his donuts. Only Joe could completely ignore his surroundings- like this character trying to get his attention- to dunk his donut. Also, one of the friends shares the secret that if you get a massage from the physical therapist your insurance can cover it.
"Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?"
In season four, one of the characters is really into their lovers while other friends tease them about it. They are going to join their partner and get a ride and dinner with one of the foursome. The valet at the restaurant leaves a vile smelling odeur in the car that clings to its passengers. Unfortunately the lover smells this stench and no longer is interested. The smell plagues the characters until they find the restaurant owner and get him to pitch in for the cleaning fee.
"I gave him an ultimatum. They're very clean animals"
In "The Stock Tip" one of the foursome is dating a person they're really into; the only problem is this new partner has cats. And this character is allergic to cats, sneezing throughout the first scenes and always with friends they come to realize this as a problem. At first they scheme to either shave the cats or get them taken out by a hit man. Ultimately none of these intricate plans work and they give the partner an ultimatum.
"I know his wife, she has a big mouth. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. They're talking about it right now."
In the episode "The Pen" one character takes an extremely rare astronaut pen from a random friend. The original owner of the pen is extremely proud of it and always talks about how it writes in space. When another character complements him on it and notes how useful it is, the random friend offers it. After the new acquisition, a mutual acquaintance berates the new pen-owner for accepting the pen gift. She suggests that the pen receiver return it before things go too far.
"In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it"
Elaine, George, and Jerry often accompany one another to semi-mandatory formal events that they dread. Once at this event the friends make a pact to spring their friends from awful conversations if they are repeatedly tapping their heads. This technique does not spare any of them as the friends are all caught in difficult conversations simultaneously- leaving no one to see the cue and rescue them. After this, two of the friends get stranded at the party in Long Island as their ride thinks he has a chance to take a girl home.
"Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum, as a federal employee I believe the law is all we have. "
Two of the foursome are quarrelling over ownership of a bike and bring the debate to a removed third party to resolve it. One is the bike's original owner who hurt herself getting the thing off the wall. In pain she stated she'd gift the bike to anyone who made the pain go away. The second friend, always up for a bargain, took the challenge because he has intimate knowledge about the body's natural pressure points. Ultimately, he deliberates like the wise King Solomon.
"You're a massage teaser!"
One of the characters is dating a masseuse and considers they are entitled to massages after their partner has gotten off work. This is quite contrary to how the masseuse feels in a hilarious scene where one of the friends tries to guilt the masseuse into giving them a massage. They are especially perturbed because one of the foursome is flouting the fact he got a massage from this partner. Another is head over heels in love with her because she loathes him.