Did you know Rock music evolved from 1940s and 50s Rock and Roll? All that Shake, Rattle and Rollin’ wasn’t for nuthin’. Over the next 20 years the genre went in lots of different directions (mostly in the US and the UK) inspiring Classic, Glam Rock and countless others. By the 1980s there was even Punk Rock and Progressive Rock.
These days we’ve got New Wave Rock, Indie and Synth-Pop. True, they may all sound different musically but they still follow the basic Rock rhythm, which itself was influenced in the beginning by African-American blues and RnB.
Think of a typical Rock Star celeb and you might conjure up some of the all-time greats. Doing so also brings to mind the lifestyle: a bathroom you can play baseball in, a king size tub, the backstage groupies, the money; doesn’t it make you want to switch off life’s snooze button and join them?
Well, the good news is… you can! Get yourself an instrument, learn how to play it, get a group together and start selling your unique brand of millennial Rock to local bars and community halls. In no time at all, you could find yourself supporting such greats as Iceage, Arctic Monkeys or Haim.
But before you do anything else, check which Rock Star you are…
What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
If you don’t drink then use your imagination for this next question. The sort of drink you buy says a lot about your character. James Bond drinks a Vesper because “after you’ve tasted it it’s all you can drink”; George Clooney drinks a brand of capsule coffee because he’s smooth, frothy and what he knows about acting can fit inside a capsule. Now it’s your turn…
You end your first big concert how?
This is the Big Question that any rookie band should be thinking about before even plugging in an amp. Forget the music, forget the audience, forget the adoring groupies. Leaving the stage at the end of the night is the most important part of the gig because it’s how you’ll be remembered. If you nail it you’ll entice your fans back for more… of the leaving the stage thing.
What mood best describes you?
Most Rock stars of the past have looked as though they enjoy life. But when we learn that there are at least 20 who died from drug overdoses (John Bonham, Jim Morrison, and so on) we wonder whether it’s all a bit of an act because, in truth, everyone puts on a face they want the world to see. But we want to know the real you… so get thinking and be honest!
In a group of people what are you like?
Being a Rock star takes a special type of person. You have your instrument, you have your guys, you have your music (not you, Macaulay). But what about that X-factor? You know the proper kernel of pizazz, the source of the fire, the beating rhythm of Rock soul. Answer this next one carefully, because it tells us a lot about who you really are.
What is your favorite dance?
People have been dancing for years. The problem with that is, sooner or later, their feet get sore so it’s best to have a rest once in a while. Are you a person who loves to throw shapes? Or are you more of a big-fish-little-fish-cardboard-box sort of a guy who stands in a corner and watches someone else act like a dingus? When your best song is played (we’ll come onto that) which one of the following would be your chosen shape?
What is your favorite food?
Ah, food. A subject that is dear to everyone’s stomach (some more than others). There’s a wide selection of food around these days. When we first started out we had to make do with living off the land but now we get all our food from supermarkets. No more planting crops and killing animals… this stuff comes in packets. How cool is that?! All of these are eaten by Rock stars but which is your favorite?
Pick your favorite Simpsons character
The Simpsons has aired since 1989 and there have been 618 episodes. There are around 100 characters in the show, all of them with a distinct character (we’re even including Plopper). Take a look at this selection… Milhouse: “Everything's comin' up Milhouse!”; Comic Book Guy: “Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix”; Krusty the Clown: ““Hoohoohaha!”; Snake Jailbird: “All right! Take me to the bank, I have to conduct an armed transaction!”
What is your favorite instrument?
It’s OK to want to be a Rock star but we think you need a smattering of musical knowledge to be one. Otherwise you’d just be standing on stage staring out at the audience… and they’ll want their money back if that happens. Remember, Macaulay Culkin's band Pizza Underground? They were booed off-stage at a UK gig after just 15 minutes. With so many musical instruments to choose from and your gig just around the corner… what would you choose?
How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Don’t ask us why we’re asking this seemingly random question. Just answer it! Glory be; this is a personality test after all… and we want to see exactly what sort of person you are by tallying up the number of shoes you own. A stage performance is all about outfits and presence - and shoes.
What weather best defines you?
We sometimes hear of someone being likened to a dark cloud or a ray of sunshine. Or windy! That’s because over the years we’ve come to associate stormy weather with “bad” and sunny days with “good”. If you’re a fast mover and choose to do things frantically you might even be called a tornado, especially if you leave a mess in your wake.
Where is your favorite holiday destination?
Aha. You pack your bags. You head for the airport. You are off to a destination unknown and it’s unknown because you don’t know where you’re going. Time to make a choice. Take your pick… the world is full of countries and in each one there is at least one bar and one hotel… unless you fancy a vacation in the rainforests of Borneo or the deserts of Afghanistan. In which case, we might ask, why?
What is your favorite type of film?
What’s not to love about going to the movies? You take your favorite beau or a mate along; you eat popcorn and sit through two hours of magic. And there’s a film for everyone. For those who love a little madness there’s Psychological drama, for those who wear a smile it’s Comedy, for those who enjoy lovin’, Romance, and if you’re a bit of a nutter and like the darker side of life there is, of course, Horror.
Which is your favourite band?
Every Rock star has his favorite music. It may not be Mozart or Cole Porter but it isn’t necessarily Rock music either. Just as your favorite drink determines a lot about you so too does the type of music you listen to. Anyway, when it comes to writing your own stuff, listening to lots of different music gives you a creative edge.
What is your favorite colour?
What is the world if not full of color? The sky is blue (Why? Why is the sky blue?), the clouds are white, roses are red, violets are blue and rainbows… well those greedy minstrels take everything to another level. For certain types of Rock star black is a tried and tested color, but some of the greats have worn all sorts and in the brown era of the 1970s they were probably the most colorful people around.
What do you look for in a lover?
Let’s get down and dirty. Imagine you’re living the highlife. You’ve got the car, the money and the crib with the movie theatre in the basement. What next? You’re missing the one special person to share your wealth with or at least fix you a capsule coffee. But what kind of person would that be… and do they necessarily have to be delivered to you in a plain cardboard box?
What is your favourite way to travel?
You’ll remember we asked you about your favorite destination? Now we want to know how you like to travel - not just to a resort but in general. Not all Rock stars like travelling in limousines… some enjoy trips on magic carpets. How you would most like to move tells us something about your personality.
What is your best physical asset?
If there’s one thing Rock stars of old didn’t care about it was whether they had a big nose or came on stage with a pimple on their forehead. But the days of not giving a hoot about how you look have long since passed and despite some exceptions Rock stars today care a lot more about their appearance. That said, it’s time for a personal question…
Pick a nightclub song
Off you go in good faith. The nightclub calls and you and your homies make an entrance (if you can get past the doorman). The music is relatively non-annoying but it could be better. You get voted 4 to 1 to step up to the DJ’s podium and shout a request to her. But what’s it going to be?
Pick a type of confectionary
People say sweet foods do evil things to our insides and that we will feel the difference when we cast out the demon. But where would we be without candy, seriously? Even Kim Kardashian eats sugar. “I love to eat - Kit Kats or cookies-and-cream ice cream. I need sugar like five times a day,” she says. So, what about you?
What ice cream describes your personality?
Let’s look at ice cream… we all know vanilla is the basic, no-frills, ordinary type but what about strawberry flavor or sweet coconut? Fruity, exotic, sugary, melt-in-the-mouth, do we think? Cotton Candy’s sweet as anything and Pistachio is, well, full of nuts. Just like Rock star personalities: all different and all available at your nearest Ice Cream parlor.
What sort of house describes your personality?
We’re sure you can see where we’re coming from with this question. In other words, how much do you like people? When you’ve made it Big and you’re finally a Rock star will you want to keep people out? Will you want to stay a part of your community? Or will you want to get away from everything and pretend you live in Middle Earth?
Who is your favourite character from Family Guy?
Animated sitcom Family Guy debuted in 1999 and has aired 298 episodes. Seth MacFarlane’s edgy humor may have led to criticism, controversy, law suits and repeated attempts to pull the show from broadcast but that didn’t stop TV Guide ranking it the ninth Greatest TV Cartoon of All Time. So, out of these four characters, who’s your favorite?
What is the best thing about the weekend?
For most of us, our working week runs Monday to Friday. That leaves us Saturday and Sunday to do our own thing. And when we say “our own thing” we mean anything from sitting in a chair reading a favorite crime novel to zip-wiring through the Andes. What you do with your spare time is of paramount importance to us. Thank you.
What is your favourite dinosaur?
Random? Perhaps. But you’ve got this far so just roll with it. We’ve managed to put a human personality to just about everything these days thanks to TV and film; dogs, reindeer, trees, robots, dinosaurs – we give them the human make over. Stegosaurus is thoughtful, diplodocus is chilled out and veggie and pterodactyl is flamboyant. As for T-Rex, well, isn’t T-Rex the epitome of dino-Rock?
Which muppet character are you most like?
You made it! You’re finally here. As a special treat we’d like you to tell us what Muppet you are because, in truth, we are all really just Muppets. In 1955 Jim Henson managed to bring a felt puppet to life and eventually became world famous for doing so. You might know he went on to produce characters for Sesame Street and famously was involved in the creation of Yoda from Star Wars. Dig deep for this one…