Dogs have a pretty sweet deal. They wake up, get fed, go to the toilet, and go back to sleep a couple of dozen times a day. A cycle that is occasionally broken up by a trip to the park to play fetch and roll around in the green grass. Of course, dogs don’t have quite the life expectancy of a human, but ten years of pure gluttony and decadence doesn’t look too bad when it’s weighed up against 80 or more years of debt, heartbreak, and Jimmy Fallon.
It’s safe to say that you have dedicated at least an hour of your existence in total to imagining what your life would be like if you were a dog. I’m sure you’ve wondered if you could handle the urinating outside and the stressful trips to the vet, or if you would be the dog who fights intruders or the dog who spends its days chasing its tail. You’ve probably also wondered if you would be a good boy or a very good boy. But have you ever given any thought to just what breed of dog you would be?
The following questions are designed to determine what breed of dog you would be if you were man’s best friend rather than man himself.
Let’s get started.
Somebody tries to talk to you on the bus. What do you do?
Public transport isn’t so great if you aren’t a fan of social interaction. No ride on a bus would be complete if a stranger didn’t try to engage you in conversation. Let’s say you’re on the bus and somebody you don’t know is trying to talk to you. What do you do?
How much money do you spend on a haircut?
Some people view a hairstyle as a means of expressing their personality or symbolizing their wealth, and so they are willing to spend a serious amount of money every time they visit a barber or hairdresser. Others see their hair as something that needs to be cleaned and maintained and nothing more. What about you? How much money do you spend on a haircut?
You walk into a bathroom and find a bidet. What do you do?
One of the unsung pleasures of a house party is snooping around the host’s property to steal a glimpse into their life. This snooping really becomes exciting when you enter their bathroom and have the opportunity to root through their various medications (not that we encourage that). You’re at a house party and you walk into the bathroom to find a bidet. What do you do?
Your nephew is visiting. How do you keep him entertained?
Your sister and brother-in-law have decided to go on a romantic weekend away in the hopes of saving their struggling marriage. In an attempt to be helpful, you have offered to mind their son - your nephew - while they’re on vacation. How do you keep your nephew entertained during his stay with you?
What is the worst thing somebody could call you?
Nobody wants to be described using a negative word, but some words we fear more than others. Everybody seems to have one word in particular that they are terrified of hearing associated with their name, even if the fear isn’t grounded in reality. What is yours? What is the worst thing somebody could call you?
What do you do when your alarm clock goes off?
Dogs love to sleep, so I guess they’re not too different from us in that regard. The only noticeable difference between the sleeping habits of dogs and the sleeping habits of humans is that dogs can sleep whenever they like for as long as they like. Humans generally have to wake up and drag themselves to work. What’s the first thing you do when your alarm goes off?
You find $200 on the street. What do you do with it?
Winning $200 is something we have all fantasized about. Actually, I’m sure we have all fantasized about winning a much larger amount, but $200 ain’t bad. Finding $200, however, poses a bit of a challenge. What is the morally correct thing to do with it? Imagine you have just found $200 on the street, what do you do with it?
You find a fly in your soup. What do you do?
The whole thing about finding a fly in your soup may seem like an old trope, but it is actually based in reality. A quick scroll through some Yelp reviews will turn up at least a couple of complaints from disgusted customers who were unfortunate enough to receive their food with four-legged seasoning. Imagine you have just found a fly floating in your soup, what do you do?
You wake up to find your house being burglarized. What do you do?
The thought of somebody breaking into your house and taking your prized possessions when you’re not home is pretty unsettling, but the thought of somebody doing that while you're lying in bed is a whole new level of terrifying. You wake up to discover your house is being burgled. What do you do?
What is your favorite genre of music?
Music means more to some than to others, but most everybody’s personality is in some way influenced by the music they listen to. Whether you are an accomplished musician with golden fingers or a casual Spotify listener, it’s safe to say you have a preferred music genre. What is it?
Your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. What do you do?
Have you ever been driving alone on a poorly lit country road only to have your car unexpectedly cut out, leaving you stranded? If not, you’re a luckier person than I am. Let’s say, for the purposes of this quiz, that you are driving through the middle of nowhere on a winter’s night and just such an event happens. What do you do?
What do you wear to stay warm in the winter?
Dogs have a pretty hard time in winter as they generally have to spend long hours in the freezing cold with only their kennel to seek shelter in. Human beings have it a little easier, but we too must brave the winter weather to get to work and other commitments. What do you wear to stay warm during winter?
You wake up on a Saturday morning, what does your mouth taste like?
For this next question, I’m going to ask you to put yourself in a position you have probably been in many times before (if you’re anything like me). Imagine it’s Saturday morning and you spent the night before at a nightclub, cutting loose after a hard week at work. Your head is pounding and you remember less than 50% of the previous night. What does your mouth taste like?
What is your favorite food?
Dogs really aren’t picky eaters. When it comes to their diet, they’ll eat just about anything, showing no discrimination on trivial grounds such as smell or flavor. Human beings, however, are a little more careful about what they put into their bodies. That being said, we all have a favorite food. What’s yours?
What is the most expensive gift you’ve ever given?
They say it is better to give than to receive. I’m not sure if I agree with that, but it is difficult to deny that there is a certain thrill that comes along with giving somebody a present that you know they’re going to love, especially when you spent a lot of money on it. What is the most expensive gift you’ve ever given somebody?
What is your favorite pastime?
For dogs, passing the time doesn’t require a whole lot of effort. They simply curl up on a couch and sleep away the hours until they have to be active again. The human mind is not quite as easy to placate, which means we are generally forced to find more creative ways to kill the hours. What is your favorite pastime?
Your partner has hurt your feelings. What do you do?
They say that life is a series of relationships, which is most definitely true. However, each of those relationships is a series of arguments. Sometimes these arguments are petty disagreements, while on other occasions they can be all out wars. Let’s say your partner has done something to hurt your feelings, nothing major, but enough to upset you. What do you do?
You have to return a book to the library, but you haven’t finished reading it yet. What do you do?
Libraries are a great idea in theory, but my issue with them has long been that they rarely allow you to keep a book for the time it takes to read it. I’m sure this is a common gripe of many library card holders. Imagine you are engrossed in a book you borrowed from your local library. It’s captivating, but you are less than 100 pages in and it must be returned tomorrow. What do you do?
You see a woman being mugged on the street. What do you do?
I think it’s safe to say that the vast majority of us have never turned a street corner to see a mugging taking place. Of course, we have all asked ourselves just what we would do were we to find ourselves in such a situation. Imagine you have just stumbled upon a man mugging an elderly woman. What do you do? Answer truthfully.
Your friends are coming over for the big game. What do you stock up on?
There is nothing like sports for bringing people together. Entire friendships have been forged on a mutual love of athletics, so it is no surprise that a sports game often serves as an excuse for friends to get together and make some memories. Let’s say you have some buddies coming over to your house for some unspecified big game. What do you make sure to stock up on?
Your bedroom is filthy. What do you do?
Dogs are often criticized for their lack of hygiene. While it is true that our canine friends aren’t quite the cleaners that cats are, many breeds do make an effort to maintain themselves and their environments. For humans, hygiene seems to vary from person to person. Where do you fall on the personal hygiene spectrum? What do you do when your bedroom needs cleaning?
Your doctor tells you to cut out salt. What do you do?
If you have ever tried to improve your diet, you are no doubt aware that salt is generally considered a big no-no by dieticians and those in the know. Imagine you have just been told by your doctor that you must cut out all salt from your diet or face the consequences. What do you do?
What is your primary method of watching movies?
The way in which we watch movies has been changed forever by the rise of the internet. There was a time when the only way to see a film was to pay to watch it in the cinema. There are still some people who prefer to watch movies in this way, but most people will choose the convenience afforded by online streaming. What is your primary method of watching movies?
What is your favorite fruit?
Doctors have long recommended that we humans eat five portions of fruit and/or vegetables per day. Fruit generally isn’t fed to dogs, but there are certain breeds that love a banana or an orange every now and then. What kind of fruit do you find easiest to put away five times a day?
Your boss asks you to work seven days straight. What do you do?
Whether you like your job or not, I’m sure you’re thankful to be employed. After all, without a job, how are you going to make enough money to eat and drink and go out with your friends? But even the best paying job can become a challenge when the hours are increased. Let’s say your boss has just asked you to work seven straight days. What do you do?