Which Archer Secret Agent Are You?
- by Lucas Wesley
- – on
- in Movies and TV
In September of 2009, the FX network introduced television to the most suave, talented, brilliant spy it had ever seen, albeit with a pretty big caveat: the dude is also a philandering alcoholic with small hints of being a total jerk. Not only that, but he’s also quite proud of it, and fans of Archer wouldn’t have it any other way. In fact, the whole international spy aspect of Archer is barely even relevant when discussing how it happens to be one of the absolute funniest shows on TV today.
On top of Sterling Archer himself, the show has a wide cast of inventively original and howlingly funny characters who serve as his fellow employees at their spy agency. Archer’s not the only master of espionage in the bunch, aided by his on-again, off-again romantic partner Lana Kane in the field and his equally adept mother Malory Archer from behind the scenes. The gang also gets help from the more practical Cyril Figgis, the mad scientist Dr. Krieger, human resources wacko Pam Poovey, and general wacko Cheryl/Carol/Cristal/Charlene Tunt, all of whom provide far more laughs than they do actual assistance on the job.
Let’s face it—most people probably don’t have what it takes to be a super spy, but then again, neither do any of the characters who somehow pull off the job on this bizarre, madcap, and we’ll say it again, hilarious series. Find out if you have what it takes as well by taking our quiz and discovering which character from Archer you have the most in common with.
What’s your favorite recurring joke from Archer?
To be entirely honest, some of the questions on this quiz might be hard to understand if you aren’t a seasoned viewer of Archer. Each episode of the show is hilarious in it’s own way, but it can’t be denied that the series takes running jokes to their furthest extreme, at times making it feel like repeat gags make up the entire show. That said, with gags this outrageously funny, fans will keep tuning in week after week even if this is all we get.
What’s your favorite version of Archer?
For the first four years, Archer was just Archer, a show about a spy working top secret missions for his mother’s agency, the unfortunately named ISIS. Then, season five introduced the idea of Archer Vice, a not-quite-spinoff that saw Archer and company drop the espionage act to start smuggling drugs. Season eight gave us the film noir throwback Archer Dreamland, and future seasons promise to include similar genre experiments. Do you prefer these unique twists on the show, or do you wish Archer got back to the basics?
Would you make a good spy?
As we already covered in the intro, it’s up for debate whether or not any of the “super spies” on Archer are actually good spies. Sure, they can get the job done like no other, but the sheer amount of chaos and insanity they cause in the process really calls into question the whole secrecy aspect of espionage. The plus side to this madness is that you can still take this quiz and get a pretty accurate result even if you aren’t quite skilled in spy work yourself.
What’s your favorite type of alcohol?
While it’s true you don’t need to know thing one about espionage to relate with the characters of Archer, it probably wouldn’t hurt if you’ve been drunk once or twice in your life. Or, in Archer’s case, once or twice per day. In the man’s own words, he genuinely fears that going too long with alcohol could kill him through “the collective hangover,” and he’s not the only spy on the show with exactly this problem. Hopefully it’s not so bad for you, but what’s your drink of choice?
What’s your favorite type of music?
Thanks primarily to James Bond, in some respects, “spy music” is a genre in and of itself. The term certainly works to describe the general score and soundtrack to Archer, especially during the stylish credit sequence and the bumpers played before commercials. Of course, this isn’t to say the spies themselves have iPods loaded exclusively with Shirley Bassey. Like anyone else, they listen to all sorts of music across various genres. Which is your favorite?
Do you enjoy obscure history?
One of the qualities that sets Archer apart from other ridiculous comedies on TV today is how intensely smart it can be at times. This isn’t to say everything else on the small screen is mindless drivel, but no other show makes quite the same effort at referencing things for the sole purpose of sending fans to Wikipedia. Do all of these jokes fly far above your head, or are you one of the masses dying to figure out who Kate Warne was?
How is your relationship with your parents?
Of all the relationships seen on Archer, the most intriguing and disturbing has got to be Archer’s bizarre connection with his mother Malory. A single parent, Malory crafted Archer into the man he was all by herself, and still has an incredible amount of control over the person he is today. She’s also his boss, complicating things even further and leading to some hefty questions about just how much they care about each other. Hopefully things aren’t so confusing with you and your parents.
Who’s the most annoying character on Archer?
As mere spectators in Archer’s world, watching him interact with others is usually pretty hilarious, but it would be something else entirely to actually live anywhere near the guy. Let’s face it, Archer is a total jerk, as are most of the people he work with, and we wouldn’t necessarily want to spend time with them because of it. Unless we could somehow get on their good sides, of course, in which case it might be fun to get in on the meanness.
Do you like animals?
In addition to the many humans who aid and assist Archer throughout his various capers and missions, there have also been a few instances when a few animal friends assist him. For Sterling, these are the best missions of all, because as fun as it is to infiltrate a mansion or shoot a bad guy, if he can do that and then immediately pet an ocelot named Babou, that makes the experience twice as fun. Do you share this joy for animals?
Who’s your favorite super spy?
Archer might be the funniest secret agent pop culture has ever seen, but he was far from the first. It goes without saying that the creators of the show were extremely familiar with the works of 007 when they crafted the person Archer would be, and as students of the media in general, we bet James Bond wasn’t the only predecessor in mind as the show was developed. To many fans, Archer probably bests all those who came before him, but do you prefer one of the others more?
How’s your romantic life?
Being a modern day sitcom in the post-Friends world, maybe it isn’t all that surprising that practically every two characters on Archer that could feasibly sleep together eventually did. Then again, Archer does take the trope a little bit further than most, also making about half of the characters in the very least one night only bisexuals willing to try new things out to ensure that literally everyone slept with everyone. Chances are not everyone taking this quiz is quite so adventurous, but how is your romantic life in general?
What’s your favorite genre of film?
More than just a comedy based in the spy genre, Archer has a little bit of everything. There’s obviously a whole lot of action and adventure during their missions and nonstop romances developing between the characters, not to mention the season long genre parodies into the drug world and film noir. Archer has also done a few episodes firmly versed in the science fiction genre, once even going to the danger zone that is outer space. What’s your favorite genre they’ve explored?
Do you have any children?
Being international spies constantly putting their lives in extreme danger, the idea of settling down and having a family is typically the last thing on Archer’s mind. Unfortunately for him, his girlfriend Lana felt the exact opposite, tricking him into fathering their child, AJ. He’s also served as a potential father to the Wee Baby Seamus, although the exact parentage of that second child is less clear. Hopefully, if you have children of your own, you don’t let them drink like he did.
Are you in good shape?
Considering his many, many faults, it’s really shocking that Archer somehow manages to get out of constantly impending peril time and again with barely a scratch. All the guy really has going for him is the fact he’s in phenomenal shape, although we’re not exactly sure how. All Archer ever does is drink, lounge around, and dabble in the occasional spy work, but the fact is he has six-pack abs and never seems to run out of breath no matter how much he exerts himself, so the dude must be doing something right.
What part of spy work would be your specialty?
All right, so most of us don’t have what it takes to be international secret agents mastering in the art of espionage. Hey, not everyone on Archer can take quizzes all day, so it evens out. Plus, the mere fact you don’t know every single thing there is about spy work doesn’t mean you couldn’t serve some small role helping Archer or someone like him. Are there any areas of espionage you might actually be good at?
What weapons would you bring with you on a secret mission?
The hardest thing about being a spy isn’t the secrecy aspect or even having the grace to pull off some of the most daring stunts Archer and his crew attempt. More than that, being a spy is outrageously dangerous work, as the slightest mistake can cause the wrong person to get mad, sending a hailstorm of bullets in the direction of your face. Knowing you may have to fight fire with fire, what weapons would you take with you on your capers?
Are you capable of withstanding pain?
No matter how good a person is at being a spy, or any dangerous profession for that matter, it’s an inevitability that mistakes will be made in one way or another. For Archer, this has meant getting shot, stabbed, thrown out of windows, and nearly even exploding. Also, he had cancer for a while, which can be more painful than any of those things combined. And yet, he stands tall throughout it all, making him a noble figure were it not for his jerk-like behavior. Are you similarly resilient?
What would be your biggest flaw as a secret agent?
In order to become a spy or secret agent on the professional level, one needs to be pretty darn good at the job, as are all the characters on Archer. That said, most of them also come with their own flaws in regards to spy work, as not all of them can be quite as talented as the show’s namesake. Luckily, it’s a team effort most of the time, meaning they can rely on one another to make up for their failings. In what area would you need backup?
Why do you want to be a spy?
All things considered, it seems like the only real reason Archer continues to be a spy is that it looks fun. Well, that and the fact his mother would be disappointed in him if he stopped going to work, and Lana probably wouldn’t be all too pleased about it, either. The fact remains that in the beginning, though, Archer’s only interest in spy work was that blowing stuff up and sneaking around is kinda cool. What’s your interest in the field?
Are you athletic?
Over eight seasons thus far, Archer has explored practically every facet of popular culture with one notable exception: sports. Sure, an obscure reference to Johnny Bench might pop up now and again, but the characters have never really delved into any athletic endeavors. Not that they necessarily have the time to do so, but it’s still curious that having parodied everything else, the show still hasn’t’ gone done this well. Does that bother you, or are you fine ignoring athletics?
How technologically proficient are you?
For all his strengths on the field, one area in which Sterling Archer’s skills at espionage are somewhat lacking is his ability to use a computer. It’s not like the guy is totally hopeless, but when push comes to shove, he usually needs to ask Pam to do the dirty work when it comes to any sort of hacking. of course, this is true for half of his coworkers as well, so it’s not like Archer’s alone in his luddite tendencies.
Who is your favorite minor character on Archer?
Great though Archer and his coworkers are, they’re hardly the only characters on the show constantly bringing the laughs and entertainment. There’s only so much room for potential answers on this quiz, and there’s a solid chance your favorite character on Archer might not even be one of them. Even if you don’t think they’re quite as funny as Archer himself, which of these minor characters always makes you smile?
Where would you want to go on a romantic evening?
Somehow, Archer lucked into a relationship with Lana in which he rarely has to take her out for dinner or do anything romantic to keep her by his side. This is extra suspicious considering how often the two get into petty arguments and make snide remarks about one another , but the point is, they’ve moved past the need for romantic dinners on Friday night. You might not be so secure in your relationship, though, so where would you go for a great date?
Do you have any tattoos?
In the modern era, the stigma that once surrounded people who choose to cover their bodies in ink has largely faded. Even doctors, lawyers, and business executives might be sporting some hidden ink somewhere on their person, and the same is true for the spies seen on Archer. In fact, Pam has a terrifyingly gigantic tattoo on her back containing Lord Byron’s “The Destruction of Sennacherib.” You probably don’t have a tattoo quite that intense, but do you have any ink at all?
Can you be trusted with top secret information?
So sang the short lived 2000s pop group, “secret secrets are no fun, secret secrets hurt someone.” Unfortunately for the girls in that band, espionage cares not for the pain caused by secrecy, instead having made an entire profession out of it. Oddly, despite his status as a super spy, Archer isn’t really the kind of person one would trust with a secret, but he’s pretty good at keeping confidential information under wraps. Are you?
Are you cautious or reckless?
As dangerous as it is to be a spy, a small amount of planning can go a long way in making the job a whole lot safer. Of course, Archer has no time for such quibbles, preferring to dive head first into whatever situation stands in front of him, making a habit of shooting first and asking questions later. Most spies probably wouldn’t be so brazen, though, well aware it could lead to their death. Would you err to the side of caution or not?
What’s your favorite James Bond film?
Before there was Sterling Archer, the coolest, funniest, and most sophisticated super spy in history was without a doubt MI-6’s star agent, 007, aka Bond. James Bond. As this quiz already mentioned, there’s no doubt the creators of Archer were hardened students of the James Bond mythos before creating their show, a study that heavily paid off. Maybe you haven’t seen every last Bond film, but if you like spy stuff, you’ve probably seen one or two. What was your favorite?
Can you speak more than one language?
To become an international secret agent, it certainly helps to speak more than one language. After all, the whole “international” part of the equation implies a wide range of clientele that may not necessarily be from the same part of Earth that you happen to be. Even if you aren’t a spy, it behooves us all in the modern world to be able to communicate with a diverse range of people. Can you?
Are you a master of disguise?
Theoretically, the fact Archer is a cartoon should mean it’s especially easy for the show’s creators to hide and disguise their characters when the situation calls for it. On the other hand, Archer is a comedy, and nothing is funnier than alleged experts trying and failing at doing what it is they’re supposed to do best. As such, no matter how intricate the disguise, its always obvious Archer is Archer, Lana is Lana, and so on and so forth. Are you better at concealing your identity than they are?
Have you ever been arrested?
Although secret agents and spies have a whole lot in common with the police, one thing fans of Archer may occasionally forget is that the guy isn’t exactly working for the government all the time. Sure, he briefly did some moonlighting for the CIA along with the rest of his crew, but most of the time, Archer and company are acting on their own. What this means is that they could totally get arrested for about half the times they do, and sometimes, that’s exactly what happens. Have you ever would up behind bars?
What do you do on your days off?
Intense and time consuming as life in espionage would have to be, not even Archer spends every single day at the office. Hell, half the time, Archer is too drunk to bother showing up, taking the day off out of sheer necessity. Other times he just shows up to work bombed out of his mind. Hopefully, you don’t get loaded before you head to the office, but if that’s what you do on your days off, more power to you. If not, what do you do?
Which spy organization would you prefer to work for?
In the beginning, Archer and his coworkers were employees of the International Secret Intelligence Service, or ISIS. This suddenly became a huge problem for producers when a real life organization also called ISIS/ISIL started making headlines for their involvement in terrorism. Understandably, they then decided to stop calling Archer’s place of business by that name, briefly having the characters start working for the CIA instead. Was this a good idea, or should they have chosen a different intelligence agency?
Do you ever use hard drugs?
Ultimately, it’s not that big a deal that Archer, his mother, and most of their coworkers are bombed out of their minds 24/7. Sure, it makes the spy work harder, but alcohol is perfectly legal for adults to consume. Not so for drugs like heroin, cocaine, or in some places, marijuana, all drugs that the characters on Archer are seen happily imbibing at one point or another. Would you join in, or do you pass on the hard stuff?
Who’s your favorite Sealab 2021 character?
Before he made Archer, series creator Adam Reed teamed up future Archer writer Matt Thompson to create another show called Sealab 2021. A parody of science fiction cartoons of the 1970s, specifically Sealab 2020, the show featured a very similar art style to Archer, such to the extent it wasn’t hard for Reed to reuse it’s setting during a bombastic two part episode at the end of season four. Unfortunately, only one of the original Sealab characters was in that episode. Was he your favorite?
Have you ever watched Frisky Dingo?
In between Sealab 2021 and Archer, series creators Adam Reed and Matt Thompson had one other gift for the world in Frisky Dingo. Probably the weirdest show of all, Frisky Dingo centered on the actions of a superhero named Awesome X and his arch nemesis Killface. Aside from the fact they were superheroes and not spies, it actually had an incredible amount in common with Archer, to the extent a few characters even managed to appear on both shows. Did you recognize them when they did?
