What Classic Video Game Hero Would You Be?
- by Edward Cambro
- – on
- in The Geek Corner
With each new development, video games take us one step closer to expanding entertainment into VR, which will (hopefully) lead us to holodecks like in Star Trek. Games have allowed for a new way to tell old stories and given the consumer an active role in the story (unless you’re playing a game by Hideo Kojima or David Cage who essentially make twenty-hour movies that occasional asks you to walk down a hallway).
What people like most about video games is that interactivity. It’s the most encompassing form of entertainment escapism; you’re not watching Bob DeNiro rob a bank in Heat, you’re robbing the bank yourself. And the best part is, you’ll never do any jail time for it! You can work out aggression, explore strange scenarios and challenge yourself to outthink and out-strategize the game.
And, of course, the best part is being the hero (or at least the protagonist). Like kids wondering if they’d be Batman or Superman, for an entire generation, they grew up wondering which video game hero they’d be. With this quiz, you can, and we’ll tell you.
Now put 25 cents in the coin slot. (Extra credit if you got that joke.)
Favorite sport in gym?
That’s right, we’re not automatically assuming that since you like video games, you were automatically an unhealthy dweeb who hated gym class because it took away from potential free time you’d have to read. Or maybe we’re projecting. Look, anyway, just answer the question.
How would you friends describe you?
Try to be honest with this one. Not how you think or how you’d like your friends to describe you. Remember, you want to end up with the proper hero and not some wild card answer we put in just to mess with you. So, if you’re a decent guy but kind of a pain in the ass, let us know.
When did you grow up?
Charting the progression of the gaming medium over the last thirty years is exciting. They’ve come a long way, and many have grown with them. Each generation of kids has grown up with different games, different hardware, different graphics, but a lot of the same characters. We’re just going to pry a bit and ask whereabout you grew up.
Are you good with technology?
Just because you like video games doesn’t mean you’re the best with technology in general. Spend a lot of time yelling at someone from tech support? Does your blender turn on whenever you turn the TV off? That’d be okay if you’re a plumber or a speed demon, but not great if you’re part machine.
Pick a superpower
Who doesn’t want a superpower? Just don’t let the government find out about it. God knows they’d experiment on you at the very least, and probably find a way to tax you for it—remember folks, taxes are legalized extortion. Anyway, there are plenty of legendary video game heroes with superpowers—including one who has a high tolerance for hallucinogenic mushrooms.
Describe your style
A great man named George Costanza once said that if it was socially acceptable, he would drape himself entirely in velvet. Personally, I would go with silk, but velvet’s a good choice too. Both would be difficult to have cleaned, however. But that’s beside the point. This is about you. How do you dress? Suspenders and a pocket protector? Do you dress like a Kojima character with lots of belt buckles?
What would your strategy be in a fight?
Ultimately, you’re going to have to do some ass-kicking. It’d be a pretty boring game if all you did was run from checkpoint to checkpoint just to sit there passively while another half-hour long cutscene plays—geez, Hideo Kojima’s taking a real beating today. Video games give you plenty of options in dealing with villains, so how would you do it?
What are your motives?
Being a good guy isn’t cheap or easy. Maybe you want some remuneration for all that selflessness—see the irony?—and god knows being a hero isn’t tax deductible. Or maybe you are one of those sweethearts who really do it for because it’s the right thing to do. Look, we don’t know—that’s why we’re asking.
Do you work alone or with a partner?
Who wouldn’t mind have a bullet shield partner? Someone to talk to, blame things on, and bounce ideas off of. However, if you’re doing this for money or glory, you would have to share the bounty with your partner. And that brings up an interesting question: how would you pay someone like Kirby? With food? Does he need money? Do you just give him a high five or something?
Pick a color
Breaking Bad has taught us that color choice and preference reflect our personalities or can be used as foreshadowing in the grander arc of the series. What that says Nero the Sable, I wouldn’t want to speculate. Maybe your favorite color is indicative of your kindness, your intelligence or your secret leather fetish. Who can say? Well, we can. But don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone else.
Are you looking forward to the next Kingdom Hearts game?
It’s been a long, long time since the last Kingdom Hearts game. Over the years, Disney has truly taken over the world, so we’re looking forward to the great character crossover possibilities the addition of Star Wars and Marvel can bring. But, honestly, with the acquisition of Fox, we’re really hoping to have Hank Hill as a playable character.
Favorite video game villain
Video games are like comics—they’re just littered with great villains. Of course, we can’t name them all, but we’ll give you some broad options. Personally, I always liked M. Bison. Man has a damn good tailor. You know, I met him once. The day Bison graced my village was the most important day of my life. But for him, it was Tuesday.
Favorite old school console
Don’t you find it weird that people still buy things in stores? Like, they’ll wait for a midnight release for a new console or game in all kinds of weather. I remember when this last generation came out; people were carrying bags of PS4s and Wiis. Really, why are you still doing this. God gave us Amazon for a reason.
Favorite Current Console
Are the console wars really still a thing? No, probably not. There are so many crossover games and other (ahem) ways of getting them on the internet these days, not to mention that more and more people tend to buy all the consoles they damn well please, it probably doesn’t matter which you prefer, but we’ll ask just the same.
Console or PC?
If there is a “console war” going on, it’s more of a debate between hardware: PC or standard console. PCs used to be taken as a bit of a joke. There were some fun games, but they just didn’t have the capability to run massive games. Things have changed. Computers now can handle almost anything the consoles can. Sometimes even better. They even make controllers for them.
Do you use weapons?
Not all heroes wear capes and not all of them use weapons—especially in the old days. Unless you count certain mechanized characters as living weapons, but that’s neither here nor there. The idea of carrying a rocket launcher, energy weapons, or a giant sword is cool. Probably cumbersome in real life, but still cool.
What are you most likely to say?
Admittedly, not all of the characters in older games spoke. Even when they did, sometimes they’d just repeat the same phrase or their name like they were a damn Pokemon. Those text boxes were really important in helping develop character. So, if you were a hero in a video game, what are you most likely to say?
Do you go out of your way to be mysterious?
Yeah, I’m sure the girls really eat it up. You standing there in the corner with your jacket that has too many zippers, practicing a brooding glare as you look through your Spotify for your favorite songs by the Smiths and wearing a turtleneck like the weirdo that you are. No, please, regale us with how Sephiroth is misunderstood.
Marvel or DC?
Nerd culture is now simply culture. Marvel and DC have taken their war to the movies, which have been…well, they certainly exist. Purists will always care more about the comics, but this isn’t about me. Whatever your exposure to these brands are is immaterial. Which side do you fall on? Red or blue?
Favorite movie genre
It’s no secret that there are a lot of game developers who wish they worked in film, or at least acquire a great deal of influence from classic cinema. Over the years, as game stories became more complicated, devs were able to reinterpret different genres for gamers. Harkening back to the source, however, what’s your favorite genre to watch?
Pick a movie
Now we’re getting into specifics. Maybe you’re the eclectic type. Your favorite movie may not match your favorite genre. Maybe you like things all wrapped up in a nice little package. You may be asked what value this information has, but we’re the one asking the questions here, so just make it easy on us.
Pick an archenemy
Every hero needs a villain. Really. Or else there’s no conflict. The hero really does have to go back to his job as a plumber or whatever Starfox does in his off-hours. Groom himself? Attack chickens? We’re probably better off not knowing. As that fleetingly complicated and articulate Decepticon, Blitzwing once said, “Sometimes it's better to be known for one’s enemies.”
What type of hero would you be?
Tony Soprano always liked the actor Gary Cooper, who usually played the “strong silent type” in his movies. Tony himself was an emotional man who was having panic attacks because of his awful childhood, and wished to emulate the man’s stolid manner. Of course, Tony later ran over a guy who owed him money in public. So. Yeah. There’s that.
Are you a leader or a follower?
We all like to think we play a major role in our own lives—that we’re the lead in our own story—but is that really the case with you? Are you too passive? Do you let others take over? Or are you the opposite. Do you take charge? Are you so aggressive, you’re about a month from invading Poland?
Who do you root for in the movies?
Some of the best lines in cinema came out of Goodfellas. However, we only need one right now. When introducing Jimmy Conway through narration, Henry Hill lets us know everything we needed to about him in one simple sentence. “Jimmy was the kind of guy that rooted for bad guys in the movies.” In that one line, we understood and accepted everything Jimmy Conway did in the film.
Pick a TV series
We’re living in the Golden Age of Television. Or the Second Golden Age or something. Look, things are good on TV right now. So much so that not only are there so many options, you can easily miss out on something, or become so jaded that you’ll roll your eyes at a “great” show because it isn’t “amazing.” So, which of these is your favorite (or closest approximation)?
Which famous hero are you most like?
We’re taking some names from a few different mediums and genres—trying to get you that broad encompassing view everyone loves so much. We work very hard for you readers, I hope you realize that. Saints. That’s what we are. Saints. So much so, we should put our own names on this heroes list, but we won’t. Because we’re also humble.
Do you go out of your way to do the right thing?
Are you a good guy or a great guy? Or, in the end, are you nothing but a jerkstore of a person disguised as a good guy? We’re taking about in real life, of course. The binary of good and evil fictionally speaking is pretty much set here. You don’t usually see Master Chief burning down a village for the lulz.
Pick a food
Let’s get to know each other a bit more personally. What’s your favorite food? Does this have to do with the quiz? Maybe a little. Maybe picking pizza decidedly makes you Mario. Maybe we’ve grown fond of you and would like to take you out to a nice meal and show you a good time. We’re smooth like that.
Do you have problems with authority?
Sometimes your boss or your teacher or someone ruins your day. Fairly or not, they’ve taken a dump on you from a high altitude. So you go home and you turn on a game, tap in the cheat for “God mode” and go on a rampage worthy of the Old Testament. But, when it comes down to it, how often do these clashes happen? Is it a rare occurrence, or do you just not like authority?
Are you impulsive or careful?
When the mission your own suggests you use stealth, do you go in guns blazing the first opportunity you get? Better way of putting it: are you a butcher or a surgeon? Do you look before you leap? It’s probably best to be a little of both, but we’re not here to judge you…until the last question when we decide which character you are.
What word describes you best?
Earlier we asked what your friends would say about you. Then we asked about your clothes, your favorite food and if you put on a mysterious air. Now we want to know how you see yourself. This is personal. We get that. I’ll go first to break the ice and build trust. I consider myself adorable. There. Now try and use the same kind of self-awareness and honesty.
Would you kill?
God knows even Mario has racked up quiet an impressive number of corpses in his day. While it is par for the course, especially now, for video games to have so many protagonists killing so many people, there are some franchise-spanning enemies that have their plot shields up to the max. After all, with the villain gone, how are you supposed to make a sequel? Use fresh ideas? Geez. Who can even do that?
Is Final Fantasy 7 Overrated?
You really can’t go to any type of convention without seeing a few Clouds and Sephiroths. Nary an article considering Final Fantasy or “the greatest games of all time” cannot exist without kneeling at the altar of FF7. That said, it’s a great game. But does it deserve the worship it gets? That’s up to you.
Is Cuphead too difficult?
With its Fleisher-styled throwback designs, surrealist qualities and kinetic gameplay, Cuphead was an exciting splash of color to 2017’s game releases. Since it was received so positively, there were some who needed to ruin everyone’s fun. The perpetually offended and professionally aggrieved claimed it glorified racism (it wasn’t) and was too difficult of a game to win (your mileage may vary).
