There's No Way You Can Name All These Classic Video Game Characters
- by Edward Cambro
- – on
- in The Geek Corner
Video games are a constantly evolving (your mileage may vary) new media entertainment form. Sadly, we’re not quite at the interactivity/immersion level of the holosuites from Star Trek, but hey, the way things are going, maybe in my lifetime. Here’s hoping the first volume of Vulcan Love Slave is a good one. God, I really hope someone got that reference.
Anyway, though still technically a new format with roughly 30 years of content, there is a preponderance of iconic video game characters out there. From stereotypical plumbers and anthropomorphized animals to alien space soldiers in mech suits and magical parasites, video games have something for everyone. You can play something linear and pleasant, or something as opaque or bizarre as a David Lynch fever dream.
But how well do you really know these characters? This quiz will answer that question definitively and finally. For an undertaking like this, we’ve cherry-picked as many genres and as many games from as many consoles as humanly possible. We’ve chosen classic characters—the ones you need to know (and so help me, you better) to see how big of a gamer you are. So, sit back in your chair, get mighty comfortable, and see if you can Name All These Classic Video Game Characters.
Who is this?
This plumber has repeatedly been enlisted by the crown of a kingdom from another dimension to save their princess who is constantly being kidnapped by a gigantic turtle. In order to save her, this blue-collar Joe has to traverse increasingly trippy and bizarre worlds with only his hat and a growing dependency on psychedelics to find the princess, and possibly bludgeon the invading mutant turtle and his army with a wrench. Of course, there are cases where he needs the help of his green-clad brother, but that’s another story we’ll get to a bit later.
Who is this?
This is also a character who is often tasked with saving a princess. However, this one isn’t a plumber and he deals with his enemies in a much more efficient way than Mario. Rather than curb stomping them, this character—a trained warrior—hacks and slashes through castles and dungeons, cutting down monstrous enemies who have captured the local royalty. Unfortunately, he rarely seems to be paid for his trouble, but she keeps getting captured, so he doesn’t seem to be that good at his job.
Who is this?
You know what my favorite part about this character is? No, it’s not the speed. It’s the blue Lifesaver that came out as part of a promotion with the release for this character’s third game in 1994. I was in about first or second grade. I had a sore throat but was sent to school anyway and was dosing myself with these Lifesavers constantly. I was also handing them out to friends like drug samples. Our teacher wondered why one side of the room had blue mouths and jittery energy.
Who is this?
Your first day at work is always kinda terrible. You don’t know anybody. You have new tasks you aren’t sure how to handle. You’re nervous. And then you’re this guy. His first day as a police officer and the entire town of Raccoon City that he’s been charged to protect has been overtaken by Zombies—including the entire police department. The only help he has is his nice head of hair, two cute girls and some plants that make him feel better (don’t read too far into that last part).
Who is this?
Before Nathan Drake, there was still video game Indiana Jones knockoff. But, rather than just a regular archaeologist, she was a “Tomb Raider,” which means she’s also a thief, I guess. Well, it sounds cool anyway. Sadly, the game series stagnated after a while and was rebooted into an Uncharted rip-off, which was actually just a rip-off of this series in the first place. But at least this character’s new games are better than its rebooted movie.
Who is this?
Considered the greatest video game villain of all time, when you go back and play Final Fantasy VII as an adult—or at least through contemporary eyes—you can’t help but view this character as, well, a whiny little emo baby with unresolved mommy issues. His messiah complex is an extreme overreaction to his clear self-hatred stemming from the way he was created. Frankly, the coolest the about him is the fact Kenny Omega named his finishing move after him.
Who is this?
Science Fiction does love its intergalactic bounty hunters. In the case of Metroid, however, for its time, this intergalactic bounty hunter was rare for its time: under that armor, our protagonist was a woman. Like the best characters, her past is steeped in mystery. We have pieces, but they’re scattered like breadcrumbs. Answers are rarely as compelling as the questions. Besides, we’re here for the badassery, like a Clint Eastwood character with a laser arm.
Who is this?
An animated series was produced in the 90s in response to this character’s then-popularity. Look it up on YouTube when you get a minute. The song gets into your head and won’t leave; it’s like Yoko Ono’s “I Remember Everything.” Then again, at least the commercial jingle for a children’s animated series designed only to sell toys and video games was melodic and somehow had better lyrics. Anyway, this technology enhanced child soldier was built to fight evil, and has managed to do so despite still running Windows Vista.
Who is this?
The original protagonist the Resident Evil series has had to suffer through a lot over the course of the franchise. The muscular action-hero has been in and out of the games seemingly at random and was at the forefront of it at the beginning of its survival horror years and again, in Resident Evil 5, when it soft-rebooted into a Call of Duty rip-off. This character deserves what the audience does: a terrifying but coherent story that makes you earn your way to salvation.
Who is this?
Man, this guy looks nothing like John Leguizamo. Mario’s brother is, well, Mario’s brother. The saga isn’t exactly known for its deep character development. Look, he’s the second fiddle and he’s probably aware of it, but it doesn’t seem to bother him too much. Sure, he’s the other brother, but he is at least the tall, fit one. So, that is probably a decent silver medal for him. Then again, in the movie Mario was played by screen legend Bob Hoskins, while this guy got the guy from The Pest.
Who is this?
He is the hero America needs, but not the one it deserves. We haven’t earned this level of badass, especially after losing so much of our badass cred when John Wayne, Charles Bronson and Steve McQueen passed away. That said, we could use a hero like this in our games these days, but due to poor management and creative work, the latest attempt to revive this character’s franchise fell short. As a final hint, he has one of the best action-hero names this side of 1985.
Who is this?
Halo is overrated. There. I said it. You know it and I know it. But, whatever, the character has a cool design even if he has as much development as a block of wood. You can tell the world these characters live in is fictional not because of the future-tech or the cloning, but because this character works for the United Nations Space Command; as if the UN could ever manage something competently or effectively. Honestly, it’s the most unrealistic thing about this series.
Who is this?
In case you forget her name, at least she’s constantly wearing a color that gives you a hint. What makes her a great protagonist is that, while she is sturdy and prepared, she doesn’t have the military background that most Resident Evil playable characters do. Rather, her bravery and stubbornness are at the forefront of the character. It makes us identify with her more easily and fell a greater sense of danger for her than we would, say, badass soldiers like Chris or Jill.
Who is this?
Is it bad my friends used to say that if I was a video game character it would be this one? I really hope it’s because of our gravelly voice fit for hardboiled noir voiceovers, but I don’t think so. Unlike this protagonist, my wife and child weren’t killed by the mob. We both do have neat Hawaiian shirts and come from New York, but again I don’t think that’s it. As far as other traits go, this character has also extensively abused alcohol and prescription pills. Uh-oh.
Who is this?
Think about how lucky some people are. The day he graces your village will be the most important day of your life. But when you’re considering the massive importance of this general’s mission, you have to understand that, for him, it was just Tuesday. We can’t overstate his brilliance, implacability, or the magnitude of his insight. He, after all, beheld Satan as he fell from Heaven like lightning. It’s just a shame that so many call him a mad warlord. All he wants to do is to create the perfect genetic soldier! Not for power, not for evil, but for good.
Who is this?
He’s Indiana Jones for the MTV generation that doesn’t remember what TRL was. He’s a bit spastic and is a bit of a danger to himself and others. And instead of a whip, he does parkour. It’s certainly one of the best game franchises out there, with each game building upon the last with larger stories and serialized character development. Except for the final game. Series creator Amy Hennig didn’t write it, so I didn’t bother playing it.
Who is this?
People complain about the “sexist” portrayal of this character—that by having her constantly be kidnapped by Bowser or whatever villain it is this time, and constantly needing Mario to save her, is damseling. However, she is the leader of an entire kingdom. Without her, the land is in chaos. Her political importance cannot be overstated. And yes, that is a deep reading in response to a deep reading about a former side-scroller game that originally had virtually no dialogue or plot.
Who is this?
Do you have any idea how tempted I am to fill this entire entry with “DO A BARREL ROLL!”? Even if I did, I still wouldn’t be close to saying it as many times as Peppy Hare did to this series’ protagonist in this old N64 game. Yeah, we got it Peppy. We don’t want to get hit by lasers anymore than you do. Now shut up. No one like a backseat driver. And why the hell would a rabbit help out one of his natural predators anyway? Peppy totally should’ve betrayed us by the end of the game.
Who is this?
No, he did not climb the Empire State Building that time. Stop asking him. Not only does it bother him, it could lead to a lawsuit. Hell, the fact that it hasn’t is a miracle in and of itself. They’re both giant monkeys with virtually identical names! Outside of this, it’s hard to describe the character, especially since he doesn’t have a character to really describe. Giant monkey. Related to the Mario franchise. Take a wild guess.
Who is this?
I always liked this Street Fighter character. His energy attacks are blue, which is my favorite color—except when talking about the emotional spectrum from Green Lantern; then it’s yellow and red—read into that however you will. He appeared as a supporting character the 1994 Street Fighter film adaptation, which went criminally overlooked come Academy Award season. Despite Guile being the lead in the film, it’s actually this character who is considered the lead in the franchise in the games and in other media.
Who is this?
Kenny Omega, one of the best professional wrestlers on the planet, is an avid video game fan. He’s named several of his moves after video game characters and abilities. That includes naming a powerbomb variation after this villain—Mega Man’s primary antagonist. He was made to resemble Albert Einstein, but only, you know, evil. He betrayed his friend Dr. Light and had built an army of themed robots to kill Dr. Light and take over the world.
Who is this?
You know him as the true villain of the Resident Evil franchise (if we’re not counting Capcom itself). Having betrayed his STARS team to work for Umbrella, but always working toward achieving his own murky agenda, this villain was damn good at what he did. Unfortunately, after almost 20 years of games and different creative teams, we’re still not quite sure what he wants or why. For some reason he can cloak himself like a Jem’Hadar and dresses like Neo. Maybe a full-on reboot is in order.
Who is this?
The first Red Dead Redemption was not only the best video game adaptation the Western genre has ever received, but it was a damn good game in general. With the long-awaited sequel on the horizon, now would be the time to refamiliarize yourself with the first game’s protagonist; a former outlaw turned regretful farmer forced to return to a world of violence after being blackmailed by the US government. His is the story of a man forced to confront his past self while trying to protect his family. This is how the west was won, and it is tragic.
Who is this?
If you combine M. Bison and Donkey Kong, you basically get this guy. Also, like Donkey Kong, there’s very little to this character. All he wants is to conquer, and he only has about one plan to do so: kidnap Princess Peach, kill Mario and rule the Mushroom Kingdom. Perhaps he wants access to the mushrooms for their steroid-like effect to other militaries and makes a fortune. I’d like some kind of confirmation on that theory.
Who is this?
All he does is eat, and even he has a girlfriend. Hell, all he does is eat, and he even had an animated series that ran for two seasons from Hanna-Barbera. Like Mario or Donkey Kong, this character is really difficult to get something out of. He’s not complicated. That’s not to say he’s bad—you don’t always need depth—but it’s hard for entries like this. For Pete’s sake, his villains are called Red Guy, Pink Guy, Blue Guy and Slow Guy. We’re not retelling Macbeth here.
Who is this?
I’m sure his “Get over here” line crosses some line of digital consent in this day and age. Originally presented as a villain to his blue counterpart, the character’s popularity has, depending on the game, either blurred the lines between the character’s allegiances or outright switched them. Admittedly, this character has the much cooler name and the better fatality; mask off to reveal a fire-breathing skull. Simple, bizarre and effective.
Who is this?
Neo from The Matrix had a strange effect on the way goth-adjacent high school kids dressed in the late 90s and into the early-aughts. And then Devil May Cry came out. Then that anime flavor created by Sephiroth from FFVII and Vicious from Cowboy Bebop mixed with the protagonist of this video game to create a new style that was, well, heavy on nonsensical buckles on long (and usually fake leather) coats and coloring your hair prematurely gray. It was an odd time.
Who is this?
Final Fantasy VII may be considered the best of the franchise and one of the best games of all time, but it certainly doesn’t have the best lead. He’s constantly outshined by both the villainous Sephiroth and the barely-there-but-still-more-interesting Zack. Oh, and his sword makes no sense whatsoever! Sure, okay, fine, it’s a fantasy game, but still! Come on! Physics! Sanity! Anyway, look, as far as protagonists go, this is a bland one who is loved more for his weapon than his personality.
Who is this?
Count me in as one of the people who liked Scorpion better. Not only because villains are cooler, but because of the fact I never much liked the cold, and this character is all about freezing powers. Sure, his blue outfit is awesome, but yeah, I much prefer drinking whiskey on a beach than Jägermeister in an ice cave. It also doesn’t help that his continuity gets rather confusing; are we talking about the original version of this character or his brother? One became an evil ice god; another had a secondary code name. One died and was resurrected and—never mind. Whatever.
Who is this?
If there was ever someone you want by your side, it’d be this character. Loyal, brilliant and competent, he’s the type of guy who would go to hell for you. He also had a great deal of depth—dealing with longstanding personal tragedies and the emotional distance he keeps from people because of it. He was a major highlight of the Mass Effect series. Also, in Mass Effect 3, if you didn’t purposely miss the shot so he would win, then you’re a bad person.
Who is this?
The day Bison graced her village was the most important day of her life, but for him it was Tuesday. Yes, I know, I made that reference already, but 1994’s Street Fighter movie is simply one of the most quotable movies of all time. In the video games, this character was known for her kicking strikes and iconic hairstyle. She was even the lead character in 2009’s Street Fighter reboot film, where she was portrayed by Kristin Kreuk. In hindsight, this is both uncomfortable and kinda hot.
What’s Cuphead’s brother’s name?
As difficult as Cuphead game may be (for some), the sheer energy of its sequences, and the clear love that went into recreating the Fleischer-styled art, combined with the absolutely adorable character design, you can’t help but smile like a big goof while playing it. Now, obviously, the game is named after its protagonist, so for this question we’re going to throw you a minor curveball: what’s Cuphead’s brother’s name? Hint: it’s just as obvious and adorable.
Who is this?
This is the protagonist of the early Castlevania games. Here’s another hint: I lost $2,000 at a racetrack with the same last name as this protagonist. He’s renowned vampire hunter from antiquity who is definitely not at all Van Helsing because Konami didn’t want to be sued he’s totally different. While he was only the protagonist of the first two Castlevania installments, he has cameoed or appeared as DLC in several other installments. He’s even appeared in Contra (the video game series, not the 1985 scandal).
Who is this?
Children in movies are obnoxious. Children in video games are obnoxious. By any statistic, this character should have been the worst thing about Telltale’s Walking Dead series. Instead, not only was she its adorable emotional center, she was one of its best characters. She had an innocence you wanted to protect and an intelligence you wanted to cultivate. Of course, by the third season, she’s grown up a bit and she’s a bitter, hardened psycho-killer, but considering all that’s happened to her, it’s pretty understandable.
Who is this?
She is the original female protagonist in the Resident Evil series (and its sole protagonist in RE3), and one of its most enduring icons. Strangely, though I usually prefer blondes anyway, this character was better as a brunette—not that I’m complaining about the leather bodysuit. Sadly, the character has been written inconsistently (calm and reserved in one game, cheerful and cloying in another), but she remains consistent in one very important way: she can and will shoot anything in her way.