There's No Way Adults Can Match These TV Kids To Their Shows

Children are seen on television as much as the adults are. They are there to give kids an access-point character or to give the adult character an emotional center and an automatic source for drama or tension. Other times, children’s entertainment allows for kids to see versions of themselves play out fantastical adventures that they can live vicariously through, or deal with the same issues kids in real life deal with, providing a mirror to society (and keep their audience watching another week). Ratings, of course, are king, so it’s not like production studios have an invested interesting in helping the youth of society, but that’s another rant for another time.

From animation, to sitcoms, to dramas and everything else, kids are in every kind of genre from the blurry black and white of TV past to the ultra-high-def of today. Children are as inescapable as their germs. Whether their characters are obnoxious or add something to the series are something of a crapshoot, but yeah, they’re inescapable. We’ve gathered up kids from every genre we could think of across the vast history of television to see if our audience can match the (sometimes precocious, often obnoxious) children to the series.

Question 1

Wesley Crusher

Somehow, Gene Roddenberry thought a whiny, pimple-faced wunderkind who defines the Mary Sue trope would be the breakout star of his new series. Wesley Crusher is, to quote Dale Gribble, “the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity.” Grating for the audience to watch and the writers to attempt to make likeable, his character never took off. His legacy is a dubious one: “Wesley Crusher” has become synonymous with a show bringing in an annoying kid character.

Question 2

King Joffrey Baratheon (First of his Name)

House Stark Quiz Joffrey

Well, maybe twincest wasn’t such a good idea now, was it? Joffrey turned out to be quite the piece of garbage—making both Nero, Caligula and Stalin look levelheaded and sensible (though Caligula knew how to have fun at least). Joffrey was a pint-sized Napoleonic psychopath who had all the riches and power he could ask for but wouldn’t through even one orgy. Shameful. Oh, and he liked to torture people. That was bad too, I guess. Played extremely well, which show do we see Joffrey in?

Question 3

Walter, Jr.

For five seasons on arguably the greatest television series of all time, Walter “Flynn” White lived a breakfast-filled existence and had absolutely no idea what was going on in his own life. Namely, his father was becoming a meth kingpin and his mother was slowly becoming not only aware of this, but also aiding, abetting, and later involved with laundering the ill-gotten gains. Sure, she wasn’t pleased, but the idea of heated floors in the bathroom is enough to make anyone weak. Well, poor Flynn had no idea, but he did get some damn fine-looking bacon in the morning. Damn fine.

Question 4

Luke Dunphy

This show is a great demonstration of dysfunctional families stemming from all sorts of family types. You don't need to have a mom and dad just to be considered a 'normal' family. In fact, it is more 'normal' to not have a normal family at all. Our siblings, and our parents drive us a bit mad, no matter if they are biological or not, or present or not. Where can you find Luke getting up to no good with his best friend, his dad?

Question 5

The Tanner Girls

This series was the 90s version of The Brady Bunch; saccharine, simple and well-meaning. The adorable Olsen twins and its ability to implant earwig catchphrases in the brains of its audience—“How rude”/ “You got it, dude”—allowed the family-friendly and cloyingly uncomplicated series to remain popular despite being critical reviled. I was never a fan of the show even as a kid, but as an adult, I will say this: seeing Bob Sagat as a sitcom dad is bizarre given his standup routine; Jodie Sweetin grew up to be hot fire.

Question 6

Eleven

On the other end of the competence spectrum is Eleven. Hell, when she gets captured, she uses her powers to rip open doors and break necks. She has no time for her peers to somehow outsmart an entire agency. Geez, now that really think about it, this show is kinda dumb, isn’t it? Anyway, look, at least the characters are interesting. Barb wasn’t. She had two scenes and then she was gone. I don’t understand the fixation on her. But Eleven. Yes, she kicks all kinds of butt.

Question 7

Dawn Summers

Dawn, well, had a difficult road. She was retroactively placed into the show more than halfway through the run of the series. That usually reeks of a creative team running out of ideas. While the series did eventually explain the retcon in a smart and tragic way—Dawn was never really a person, just an item made sentient—she was still a bratty tween. However, unlike Wesley Crusher, she got better. The writers allowed her to develop organically and she became, well, a good character and the emotional heart of the series.

Question 8

Archie Andrews

I really don’t care for this Nolan-ization of everything; to update and remake a property for the modern day, it has to be grim-dark. This rule is a shortcut to thinking. It is, unfortunately, successful despite not making sense given some of the franchises that have seen these dark reimaginings. Archie, Jughead, Betty, Veronica and the rest of the gang of simple sweethearts should not be living in Twin Peaks. It’s unseemly. I am, however, looking forward to the Sabrina series, which I hope doesn’t crossover with this bizarre remake.

Question 9

Topanga Lawrence

I know I’m not alone in saying this: Topanga Lawrence was the first crush of an entire generation (along with Kimberly the original Pink Ranger, Kelly Kapowski, and my friend’s mom). Yes, the 90s was a Golden Age in that respect, at least. Topanga’s parents were flower children and raised their daughter as one. The fact that she grew up to become a cutthroat lawyer isn’t exactly a surprise. The sweet, understanding, and incredibly brilliant Topanga was easy crazy enough to love and grounded enough for that love to be viable.

Question 10

Steve Urkel

Sometimes a character becomes the accidental center of the show. Steve Urkel was meant to a be one-off; a character to color-in the universe the Winslow family lived in. He proved popular with the audience and was made a cast member. He was so popular that he breached pop culture and became an icon. Urkel, by accident, took over the show, to the point where people simply referred to the series as “Urkel” rather than its actual name. So, what is it?

Question 11

Bobby Hill

Yes indeed, that boy ain’t right. He enjoys rose-growing, doggy-dancing, and worst of all, prop-comedy. But, to be fair, he’s a good kid and loyal friend. And he sure does know how to cook a good steak. Sadly, he’s forced to use propane because of his father—we all know charcoal is the best way to barbecue—but Bobby knows that already. He’s just going to have to wait it out until he grows up. Unfortunately, Bobby’s been thirteen for over a decade, so, yeah. Poor kid.

Question 12

Milhouse Van Houten

Everybody wanted to be Bart, but in reality, we were all Milhouse. Spineless nerds in dire need of positive reinforcement. We were the flunkies. It’s unfortunate, but, it is what it is. At least we eventually grew up, right? Poor Milhouse has been 10 since about 1991. Poor thing. Like the rest of us, he gets small victories here and there, but they never last long and never amount to much. Ever see that YouTube video of him playing frisbee with himself? Perfect metaphor.

Question 13

Jake Sisko

Jake Sisko was created to give his father, Benjamin, more character. He was meant to be little more than a plot device—something new to add an already tried-and-true formula of staunch and single Star Trek leads. The series always did well in realistically depicting their loving but sometimes complicated relationship. Fans didn’t know how to respond to this. He was what Wesley should’ve been: a real person. Also, Jake was about 15 and was pulling in a Dabo girl. Everyone respected that.

Question 14

Richie Cunningham

Ahh, America’s son. Richie Cunningham; the first teenager to go bald in front of our eyes. Yes, I chose him for this quiz solely so I can mention this. But, honestly, go back and watch a handful of episodes over the years of this show and tell me there isn’t a noticeable difference in Richie’s hairline. Sure, Ron Howard is now one of the most respected directors of all time, but as a kid, this had to drive him crazy.

Question 15

Manny Delgado

In the classic film Highlander, the evil Kurgan told McCloud that his dear friend, Ramirez, was an effete snob. This made me laugh to no end. It was a perfect description (and I liked Ramirez!). I like Manny Delgado too, but yes, he’s also an effete snob. It’s a bit of an eye-rolling trope to have a kid act so much like an adult, but Rico Rodriguez plays it with such earnestness and innocence, it’s impossible not to like the kid. To be honest, I have no idea if the character is still any good; I fell off the show somewhere in season 3. Severe decline in quality.

Question 16

Lisa Simpson

In perhaps the finest character explanation of all time, Ned Flanders, in the midst of a nervous breakdown, describes his neighbor’s daughter: “Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's got to be little Lisa Simpson. Springfield's answer to a question no one asked!” Mean? Yes. Accurate? More than anyone could possibly imagine. Sure, this question is an easy one, but we all have Lisa in our lives, and it’s worth giving away this entry just to reflect on this moment again. Also, that Moe line was hysterical.

Question 17

Freddy Crane

Returning again to our accidental theme of snobbery, here’s Freddy Crane. His parents are both tightly-wound cultured doctors (his father dispenses advice on the radio like a drive-thru psychiatrist) with haughty tastes and permanently upturned noses. Freddy himself has much of the blue-blood upbringing, but not quite the same pretension. Sure, he has every impulse to go to an Ivy League school, but he also wants to get dirty in the woods and was trying to emotionally blackmail his parents for a dirt bike. I appreciate the hustle.

Question 18

Maya Hart

As is tradition, when a protagonist has a happy home life, their best friend needs to be one minor setback away from being a street urchin. It worked for Cory and Shawn, and it worked (YMMV) for Riley and Maya. While the series didn’t go as dark with her character as it should have (thanks, Disney) or even dark as it did with Shawn at times in the original series, Maya remained a scrappy kid just trying to keep moving forward.

Question 19

Arya Stark

Speaking of scrappy kids just trying to keep moving forward, here’s Arya Stark. Like Maya, she’s channeled the difficulties life presented her with into a positive. However, instead of embracing art, like Maya, Arya decided on a mortal vendetta. She’s created a list of people she feels are responsible for the deaths of her parents and siblings. She’s about 50 pounds soaking wet but has developed quite the impressive murder resume. I’m not really sure if this can be considered a positive, actually. But Arya’s definitely a borderline psychopath now if that helps.

Question 20

AJ and Meadow

Oh great. Jersey. Meadow is smart and seeks to go into the law as some kind of karmic recompense for her father’s many, many crimes. Of course, she ends up engaged to the son of one of her father’s “business partners,” and really doesn’t mind using said father’s money and connections if it will help her. AJ, on the other hand, is an empty vessel. He’s not particular smart or ambitious. He’s generally apathetic and materialistic; the product of post-modernism made flesh.

Question 21

Alfalfa

It’s an entire cast of veritable street urchins in the 1920s! Ahh, the air was thick with polio then, my friends. It was groundbreaking at the time for its racial equality and allowing children to act in a natural way. Of course, this is still Hollywood. This was also well before child labor laws, so, yeah; to the surprise of no one, these kids were overworked, underpaid, and largely forgotten about once the series became unprofitable. But at least back when we were allowed to smoke cigarettes and had free speech.

Question 22

Peppa Pig

Look, I watched eight full hours of this show with my niece and nephew. If I had to suffer through it, so does everyone else. I know, I know, it’s a kid’s show; even for a kid’s show, it’s tedious. The music is a series of farts and squeals, the stories are nonexistent, and the characters are all imbecilic. But, I do like how the lead has become something of a meme in the Asian counter-culture with slackers and hoodlums getting tattoos of this pig redesigned. This tickles me to no end.

Question 23

Morty Smith

Poor, poor kid. All he wants is for Jessica to like him, but he keeps getting forced into increasingly meta high-concept sci-fi adventures with his alcoholic war criminal mad scientist grandfather. On the plus side, if the boy survives this (physically and psychologically), all this experience would probably net him a pretty good job. Or a decent amount of money selling his grandfather’s devices on the interstellar black market. I’m sure Krombopulos Michael had friends. What? Did I give too much away?

Question 24

Stewie Griffin

In the early days of the show, he was a one-note Evil Baby character with subtext. Now, the subtext is text and he’s just a one-note character with nothing below the surface with the same football head as Arnold Shortman. Though it seems both Stewie and Arnold are also rather follicly challenged. Well, I guess Stewie should be grateful there isn’t an obsessive psychopath with a unibrow living nearby who has a shrine built to him. But, then again, Stewie does live near Herbert. So there’s that.

Question 25

Robin (Tim Drake)

New Batman Adventures Robin Tim Drake

In the comics, Dick Grayson was the original Robin. When he left to become Nightwing, Jason Todd became Robin. This offended the Joker, who ended Jason. Tim Drake then became Robin. When this series introduced Tim Drake, they imbued him with some of Jason’s backstory to merge the characters slightly as a nod to knowing fans. Of course, this was still (kinda) a children’s show so they couldn’t have Jason Todd on there with his sociopathic tendencies, obnoxious whining and eventual end to his character.

Question 26

Randy Taylor

For an entire generation of girls, Jonathan Taylor Thomas was their first crush. This is ironic considering how most of those girls later grew up saying that they’re only attracted to tall guys with beards, and good ol’ JTT is clean-shaven and is about the same height as an end table. But, then, time makes fools of us all. While Thomas left acting behind for the most part, he is of course, originally famous for a TV role. Name it.

Question 27

Dustin

In about 40 or 50 years, Gaten Matarazzo will be telling us about the importance of reverse mortgages the way Fred Thompson used to. There’s something naturally likeable and trustworthy about the kid, so I’m rooting for him and his career after the series he’s on ends. I’m really not sure what else to say here. His character’s name is Dustin and he’s the series scene-stealer (though, I have to admit he made such a dumb move in season 2 with adopting that baby monster thing).

Question 28

Hannah Montana

Never watched this show. I was in college when it first premiered. I do. however, remember catching Miley Cyrus' performances. This is the show that made her famous. What was she on it? A spy? A pop-singer? Was it something like The Americans? That’s a very good show. Sad that it ended but glad it was able to tell its story in its own time. Too many great shows get cancelled before their natural end. Like Hannibal. I miss that show.

Question 29

Eric Cartman

Sure, Bart Simpson once cut off the head of a statue, but Eric Cartmen fed Scott Tenorman his own parents in a bowl of chili. There’s hard; then there’s hardcore. While he’s part of a group of four main characters on this show, we all know it’s really his series. He’s the easiest character to dislike, and it’s endlessly satisfying to see him built up just to be torn down and still never learn a single lesson or reconsider his own actions. Eric Cartman is the most realistic portrayal of a psychopath on TV.

Question 30

Hank and Dean

This series, which follows a pair of brothers as they grow up around supervillains and heroes, is ostensibly a comedy. It’s certainly one of the darker ones. One of its primary themes is failure, and it delivers this theme in heaping piles of hysterical tragedy. Hank and Dean live in a nigh-meta world that satirizes pop-culture, cult classics and weird little things nobody knows about. Oh, and David Bowie was a shapeshifter in it in case a hard push was needed.

Question 31

Ashley Banks

This series was one of the best things that came out of the 90s. It followed Will Smith and his Aunt, Uncle, and cousins. Will was sent to live with his Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air and had to adapt to the live filled with wealth, riches, and feeling slightly out of place. This show is what made Will Smith famous and it gave us a theme song that most of us 90s babies will never forget, even if we try.

Question 32

Marcia

To the baby boomer generation (i.e. the generation responsible for all our problems now), Marcia was their first crush. And, to be fair, even by today’s differing standards, she’s a knockout. Sure, the show she was on was so treacly one might lose a foot from its saccharine messaging while watching it, but yes, without a doubt Marcia was not only a great reason to watch this show, but likely the only one as well. She also had a sister on the show. Her name escapes me now.

Question 33

Laura Ingles Wilder

Laura Ingalls Wilder Little House

Hey, remember when everything wasn’t considered offensive? Yeah, me neither. The Old West is a point of fixation in America. It’s part of our Creation Myth. To that end, there’s been dozens of retellings of the era, and this one proved to be one of the most popular. The story of the Wilder family is certainly cleaner than one would expect (at least in its TV adaptation). However, as popular as it was, the series might be more popular for introducing the world to Michael Landon, who women were obsessed with for a good 45 minutes.

Question 34

Cousin Oliver

While Happy Days created the “Jump the Shark” trope, but this series created the “Cousin Oliver Effect.” To Jump the Shark, a series has to hit a certain creative nadir that damages the series at the core and proves that the show is out of stories to tell. The Cousin Oliver Effect is similar; a character is introduced late in the series’ run to try and shake things up and create new dynamics. Usually the character is obnoxious and serves merely as a plot device. Hell, Batman: The Animated Series even did an episode where the Cousin Oliver type was being threatened by a former cast member.

Question 35

Mark McCain

The father-son relationship between Ben and Jake Sisko (as well as the frontier-setting) on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine was largely inspired by this series, which saw Johnny Crawford and his son Mark McCain in similar circumstances; of course, this show took place in the Old West and not on a space station. Even for its time (the series aired from 1958 to 1963), it was surprisingly gritty, though the beating-heart of the show was the relationship between father and son. Now let’s pour one out for the old Winchester Model 1892.

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