I've got some bad news for you. You are a loser. I'm very sorry that you had to find out this way. But, in your own uniquely surpassed way, I am sure that you already were well aware of your loser status. After all, you went to this site, saw a quiz that rates exactly how much of a loser you are, and clicked on it. Were you thinking, "Well, I'm certainly not a loser! I should take this quiz to confirm it!" No, you saw the title and thought to yourself, "I guess now is a a good time to see exactly how much of a loser I am." Congratulations. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.
Now that you have admitted it to yourself and have proclaimed to world, "I am a loser! Hear me roar!" we can get down to brass tacks and rate your loserdom. The key here is to maintain the rigorous degree of honesty that you are keying into right now. It took a lot of guts to come out as a loser. Don't chicken out now and act like a big shot when it comes to answering all these questions. Taking this quiz to heart and answering as honest as you can to the best of your abilities is the key. Also, don't get too excited if you get a one. One is still a loser, loser.
How old were you when you moved out of your parents house?
There are a few milestones we all go through as we age. Graduating high school, casting our first vote, crashing our car into the side of a bank for the first time, and moving out of our parents house. How old were you when you moved out?
What is the current status of your love life?
Putting yourself out there is pretty tough. It takes a lot of guts because if you do it enough, you are bound to face some rejection. But if you keep hearing the same thing, specifically like you are a creepy loser , it may actually be you.
When you see a glass half-filled with water, you think:
There are pessimists and there are optimists. Oh and there are also jerks and non-jerks. One way to tell what kind of person someone is, is to fill a glass of water up halfway then throw it at them and see how they react.
How often do you shower?
Okay smart guy/gal, don't say that you don't shower, you bathe, you know what I mean. I am talking about how often do you put water to your body for the purposes of cleaning it? And make sure you be honest! Don't be dirty and a liar.
What do you do if you have a runny nose?
Hey, everybody can get a runny nose. Colds happen, man. Sometimes someone sneezes on you while you have your mouth open and you are inhaling deeply and you get a serious bug in your body. The important thing is how you handle yourself when it happens.
How many stains are on your shirt?
Eating is one of the toughest activities a human being can do. It requires so much forethought and coordination! And even the best of us will have more than a couple of spills from time to time.
Do you smoke?
Just in case you were not aware, the year is 2018. And even in this freaking year, there are people that smoke. I know, right? So, honestly, do you ever put cigarettes into your stupid mouth and smoke?
Do you vape?
Sometime recently, a couple of scientist in a douche lab decided to come up with a way to smoke but in a lamer way. And thus, vaping was born. Do you like to suck weird chemicals out of a mechanized tube? Loser.
How often do you eat at Buffalo Wild Wings?
First if all, I love Buffalo Wild Wings. I have nothing against Buffalo Wild Wings. All I am saying is there is a scientific correlation between how many times a week someone eats there and how big of a loser they are.
What is your favorite Pokemon?
Pokemon is a word that people say when they are describing some weird thing that people like. I think it is some sort of seizure cartoon that they turned into an iPhone game. Anyway, just name one.
Have you ever run out of gas while driving?
When I ask these things, I mean them in a way assuming that you have the means to fill up your gas tank and just don't do it. I am not saying you are a loser if you are poor. If you run out of gas because you run out of money, I assume you are working right now, not taking internet quizzes.
Were you in a frat or sorority?
Frats and sororities are a great place for young people to learn things about helping the community, acting like a douche, serial harassment, problematic drinking, institutional racism, and roofies. They have helped to shape some of today's top losers in all fields.
Are you into anime?
Japanese animation, or anime, is a totally awesome form of pop culture. It absolutely does not attract losers at all. No sir. Only the coolest people are into anime. That's why it is in this quiz. If you like anime, there is no way you're a loser. So be sure to answer honestly!
Have you ever camped out to purchase electronics?
Let's get this out of the way, just so we are all on the same page, Apple is the worst company on the planet and everyone who works for them is evil. Phew. That felt good to say. You should not buy Apple products because not just because they are secretly in cahoots with the illuminati, but also because they suck. And never camp out for them!
When you tell jokes, is it just you quoting movies?
Some people are funny. They tell jokes and people laugh. Heck, some people inherently aren't funny, but they manage to find a group that laughs at their jokes. Those are both fine. It's even fine to not be funny. But please do not be funny by quoting movies. For the love of God. Don't.
How long does it take for you to respond to messages?
Responding in a prompt manner to texts and Facebook messages is a basic human function that separates us from the animal kingdom. Don't believe me? Well try sending a crocodile a text message and see how long it takes for him to respond to your butt, smart guy!
Who is the last person you spoke to in person?
People crave contact. And like actual in person contact. Not just some weirdo behind a web cam in Russia contact. It feels good to be in the same room as someone, look them in the eye, and have a real conversation.
Do you watch Big Bang Theory?
Answering this in the affirmative or negative does not mean your a loser. It is not like only winners or losers watch the show Big Bang Theory. But, how you answer the question goes a long way in adding to the calculation to figure out your loser status. It's science stuff, loser. You wouldn't understand.
Do you like to brag that you "know mixed martial arts"?
Are you an MMA guy or gal? Chances are that if you are not, then you at least know MMA guy or gal. They are the ones that "train" MMA. And anytime you make a joke about fighting them, they get dead serious and explain to you just how they would take you down. A decade ago, they would have been karate guy or gal.
Do you pound energy drinks?
Not that long ago, we would here about the dangers of soda. One of the main concerns was how loaded with caffeine they were. It's not good to get that wired everyday. Well at some point, society decided to go ahead and blast out of the soda stratosphere and hop onto energy drinks.
Would it be fair to describe you as gassy?
Gas happens, man. It's like one of those facts of life. There are just some things that you can not escape from. Things like death, taxes, and occasionally letting a juicy honker rip. And then after that, you kind of have to lean down and get a taste, right?
What kind of jeans do you like to wear?
Jeans say a lot about a person. Not as much as genes do though. Whoa! I just put that together! Jeans and genes! You think anybody has ever made that connection before? I mean anyone besides every single stupid college freshman getting high for the first time. I'm a genius.
Is your watch also a phone?
The future is in wearable tech. That is something that tech people have been saying since roughly 1983. Apple seems to have finally made some traction in this whole wearable tech thing. The thing they did differently is just being Apple and having a lot of people that buy everything they make.
Do you bite your nails?
There are times when you have a lot of pent up nervous energy and need to release it somehow. I get it. People bite their nails. But dude, have you ever looked underneath those bad boys? It is pretty freaking gross. I'm talking possible poop here.
What do you do when you get a pimple?
Sometime between the ages of seven and thirty four, you enter puberty. And when that happens, you get pimples. There is a scientific reason for it. Look it up yourself. And you continue to get pimples until the day you die. That's right. They never go away!
What kind of pets do you have?
People's pets can really tell you a lot about their owners. And I don't just mean like those birds that can talk and tattle on you, I mean your type of pet can be an insight into your personality.
What is your favorite sport?
Hey bro, do you dig the sports? Killer, man! We should hang out, watch the sports, and eat nachos. There are at least three different sports out there to choose from. What sport is your favorite?
What kind of hat do you wear?
Hats are capable of doing a lot more that just covering up the top of your head. For instance, they can also keep the top of your head warm. See? They are super practical. If you are a hat person, you must have an allegiance to a certain style.
What video game system do you own?
There are a lot of people that love to play video games. That's cool, I guess. I'm sure they are very fun. They are pretty expensive, though. And the thing is, you have to buy a whole system thing in order to play them.
Do you own a telescope?
I guess the big qualifier we have to apply to this question is whether or not you are a scientist practicing in a field that would require a telescope. It does not make a huge difference in your loserdom, but it is definitely a consideration.
How do you eat pizza?
Pizza is a delicious American treat that Italy has adopted as their national non-pasta dish. Everybody loves themselves a pizza pie! But everybody has different ways of eating their pizza. How do you eat yours? I promise I won't tell anybody.
How do you 'party'?
You have got a completely open weekend coming up. No work, no planned social engagements, no nothing. You are completely free to do what ever the heck you want. What are you going to do, you big party animal?
When you see person on the street begging for money, what do you do?
If you live in a big city, or a medium sized city, or heck any city really, you probably come face to face with homelessness. You want to be a good person, but when you are confronted multiple times a day it is hard to deal.
What do you do when someone tells you an offensive joke?
You are a decent, good-hearted person. Of course you don't tell any jokes that would offend people. But that doesn't mean that no one will tell them to you. When you find yourself in this situation, what do you do?
A lost dog shows up at your door. What do you do?
So you are sitting there in your living room, doing that thing you do on your days off, painting nude portraits of your family, when you hear a mysterious scratching at your front door. It's a dog! What do you do?
One of your friends shares an interesting fact with you. How do you react?
Oh those wacky friends of ours. They are always sharing interesting facts with us! You guys just love talking to each other. When people tell me things I don't know, I usually don't believe them, but I pretend I do. But I really don't.
What do you do while riding in a Lyft?
It will never not be weird to just get inside of a strangers car just because you two connected on an app. Sure, it may help keep drunk drivers off of the road, but just in the last year Uber drivers have murdered over four million people.
Do you work out?
Keeping physically fit is super important. It makes you feel better, and it helps you to not look like a disgusting pile of gross goo. Some people hit the gym a little too hard though. Where do you fall on the workout spectrum.
What kind of cologne/perfume do you use?
Back in the olden days, people had to cover themselves in strong scents because water hadn't been invented yet. But surprisingly, even though we now know about showers and baths, people still insist on coating smells onto themselves.
Your friend just got fired. What do you do?
Friends are just people that we like hanging out with. Well, I guess sometimes they can just be people that you end up hanging out with. That's lame not to like your friends though. Don't be lame, loser.
When you are out to eat with a group and the check comes, what do you do?
Going out to eat is great. You can get some really good food and then you don't have to clean up your stupid kitchen! The only really crappy part happens at the very end, when they bring you the bill and they want your money.
You are alone in an elevator and someone else gets on. What do you do?
Do you ever do that thing in elevators where you are going up and right when the elevator stops on a certain floor you jump and when you land it feels weird? People hate it when you do that.
Have you ever been arrested?
Not everyone who has been arrested is a loser and not all losers have been arrested, but let's just say that those two circle definitely intersect on the venn diagram. Just how big is your rap sheet exactly?
How much weed do you smoke?
Whoa man! Did you know that weed is like totally legal now in some places? Fire up a fat doob, bro. Let's do some rippers on my bong device. Uh oh, I like totally have the munchies man. Hasta la vista, bebe!
Are you currently employed?
Working sucks, but you have to do it. I mean, if I could just hang out and do nothing all day, that would be freaking great! But people want money for crap and it seems like you have to do crap for people so they will give you money. Lame.
How do you get around town?
More than likely, at some point during the day you have to get from where you are to somewhere else. How the heck do you do that? What mode of transportation do you use? No judgement here. Just trying to figure out if you're a loser.
How often do you get into arguments?
Arguments happen when two people disagree about something and both voice their opinion. They can also occur when someone is a big stupid jerk and likes to make life difficult for the people around them. Those people are the freaking worst.
When's the last time you got into a fistfight?
Fighting is weird, man. It's like you get so angry at someone that you just start swinging parts of your body at them and when it hits them it really hurts that part of your body. People should just settle things by racing each other. That would be cool.
Were you ever a bully?
Growing up can suck. Kids are dumb and the adults that are supposed to be looking after them and teaching them usually aren't that much better. We are all just out there trying to do the best we can. And sometimes bullies happen.
Has anyone ever called you a loser to your face?
We are using a highly accurate, scientific algorithm here to decipher wether or not you, the reader of this quiz, are in fact a loser. This question carries a lot of weight. Has anyone ever walked right up to you, gotten into your face, and called you a loser? Well, have they, loser?