Take This Quiz And We'll Tell You If You'll Meet God Or Satan

Religion has flourished across the globe throughout history, as man has found solace in the belief that we were created by a divine being with a greater purpose; that we aren't just some randomly evolved life form that first developed out of ancient galactic goop.

There's another defining characteristic of religions that makes them unique and even essential, and that is their promise of an afterlife. There is little reason outside of religion to believe that there is anything but a return to nothingness after death, but religion provides the comfort that there is something more. In fact, we're told that this life on earth is merely a warm-up act to the grand, eternal stage in the sky.

Sounds wonderful right? But wait, there's a little wrinkle, being that you must earn your way into heaven with your good earthly deeds. The alternative? An eternity of torture and punishment in the bowels of hell.

In this quiz, we're going to put your deeds and actions to the test to determine which of the two realms you're likely headed for, based on a variety of questions that have religious connotations (and some that don't). Are you destined for clouds and waterfalls or fire and brimstone? Take the quiz and find out!

Question 1

How Many Times Have You Wished Harm On Someone?

If people could be put on trial for their thoughts, well, there'd be 7 billion people locked away and every boss at every company on the planet would've been slain multiple times, even if only in someone's head. However, that's the degree to which some religious texts attempt to exert control over their flocks, warning them to mind not only their actions, but their thoughts as well.

Question 2

Have You Ever Gambled?

Gambling away your hard-earned (or not) money is considered a sin, one that many of us are guilty of. We could try to blame the heathen governments of the world for their state-run lotteries and the increasing prevalence of glitzy casinos, but...well, on second thought, let's just stick with blaming them.

Question 3

How Many Psychics Have You Consulted?

It has to be tempting to, and just one time mind you, call up a psychic and see what's in store for you according to their tarot cards/crystal ball/hallucinogenic drugs/random destiny generator 1000 computer program. Because even if we know that it's nonsense, being told we'll be rich, famous, happy, and never age is still exhilarating and kind of worth the $3.99/minute.

Question 4

How Many Ants Have You Stepped On?

Stepping on ants can be fascinating to a kid, being their first chance to show off their physical superiority over a lesser creature; or so they thought. But then the ant goes full kamehameha and starts raging, running around even faster and seemingly growing in strength as it's futilely stomped on. Once it's powered up enough, it then jumps on its assailant's face and begins devouring their eyeballs so that their feet will never purposefully come into contact with an ant ever again. Don't push them too far.

Question 5

How Many Times Have You Taken the Lord's Name in Vain?

What is it about shouting at the heavens that just feels so goddamn right? It's undeniably empowering when you shout out a curse at God, as if you're risking being struck by a giant thunderbolt at any moment, boldly defying the heavens to voice your utter displeasure, anger, or shock at whatever it is that's displeasing, angering, or shocking you.

Question 6

Are You An Atheist?

There are differing opinions as to the ultimate fate of non-believers should a specific religion turn out to be correct. Opinions are somewhat divided when it comes to Christianity, with Pope Francis having stated that atheists can indeed enter the Pearly Gates upon the demise of their carnal flesh. However, Islam is less forgiving, with atheism being punishable by death in several Islamic countries.

Question 7

Have You Worn Clothes That Are Traditionally Worn by the Opposite Gender?

Religions don't take kindly to people playing dress-up, even though it's not all that surprising that we (as a society, not us specifically you understand) would be interested in trying on dresses or suits and seeing how they look. If nothing else it's good for a laugh, especially in the case of men wearing dresses whilst rocking ultra-hairy legs.

Question 8

Did You Ever Refuse to Forgive Someone for Something They Did?

We know, we know, it's hard to forgive someone when they steal your favorite PlayStation 4 game, but seriously bro, that game was trash anyway. Speaking of which, isn't it interesting how everything or everyone in the gaming world is "trash" or "garbage"? I guess anti-littering campaigns have been wildly successful among gamers.

Question 9

How Many Times Have You Gone To An All-You-Can-Eat Buffet?

Nothing personifies gluttony quite like the all-you-can-eat buffet, where the goal is to cram food into your bulging gut until you literally can't lift your fork to your mouth to consume another bite because you're body is now using 100% of your energy to process the mounds of food you've just engulfed. The bathroom's that way.

Question 10

Have You Ever Sung "Let It Go" Around Other People?

Correct us if we're wrong, but we believe it was Corinthians that said "He or she who regaleth thy friends and/or neighbors with Let It Go is a sinner under the eyes of God. Let none show mercy to this defiler of all that is holy, and right, and sacrosanct." Kind of harsh, but also understandable.

Question 11

Have You Ever Stalked Someone on Facebook?

It's all but impossible not to stalk someone on Facebook after a breakup, unless you're like some sort of Buddhist monk who's free of ego and lives only in the present moment. You aren't, are you? Because you probably shouldn't be here if you are. I mean...no offense, but this is kind of a trivial use of your time. But then, you do just stare at flowers all day...

Question 12

Are You Gay?

Yep, that's the sound of that big old can of worms being opened. Which can is that? The can where many religious texts are offensively anti-gay, condemning them to eternal purgatory for acting on their natural, God-given instincts. Why do they do that? Well, because being gay is bad, obviously. Just think about it: if everyone was gay, the human race would die out. Work your way out of that logic, sinner.

Question 13

Have You Failed to Fulfill Any Promises?

Promises are a weird thing, as they're often given flippantly, primarily as a figure of speech. That makes it challenging to categorize which promises are legitimately meant (like "I'll never cheat on you") and which are simply off-hand remarks that were never really meant to be taken seriously (like "I'll never cheat on you").

Question 14

Have You Ever Hit All the Buttons in an Elevator?

The people who created elevator control panels didn't account for the prevalence of pranksters in the world, who can't help but frantically hit every button as they exit an elevator, sending it on a lengthy, often forlorn journey through the many levels of the building it services, vacant halls stretching on endlessly before it. The elevator cries after this.

Question 15

Have You Ever Worshipped False Gods?

Obviously, by false gods we mean the likes of Justin Bieber and Donald Trump. Bieber idolatry is reportedly on the decline, as young girls turn to some other random good-looking young male singer or actor to fawn over, who cares, we can't be bothered to research who young girls care about now.

Question 16

Are You A Witch?

Witchcraft has not generally been tolerated by the masses, who feared that old crones tending a giant cauldron full of eyes of newt and lizard's gizzards would bring doom, destruction, plague, and pestilence down upon local residents and humanity at large. We're not sure who was dumber: the ignorant villagers or the 'witch' out in the boonies tending her cauldron. It boggles the mind. Honestly, it could destroy the fabric of the universe if we continued pondering it, so we better stop.

Question 17

Have You Ever Rebelled Against Your Parents?

Of course, the problem with blind devotion and obedience to one's parents is that some parents aren't deserving of such and will actively try to sabotage their children's lives if left unchecked. This is why rules like 'honor thy parents' are generally useless. They're nice as broad guidelines, but life isn't always some fairy tale where parents are supportive and loving and the world is like you thought it was going to be. Ahem.

Question 18

Have You Ever Contacted the Dead?

Sometimes, the answers to your most burning questions, such as how they get the caramel inside Caramilk bars, just can't be answered by the living. For those forbidden secrets, inquisitive minds must needs turn to the dead, who are well-versed in the ways of caramel injections, maggots, and the ultimate fate of the universe (not that anyone cares about such a trivial thing).

Question 19

Have You Engaged in Premarital "Intimacy"?

Basically...are you not Amish, or like, really religious? Or a giant nerd? Or like, someone with an unfortunate protrusion sticking out of their neck that looks kind of like a seriously mutated mole but no one's quite sure, all they know is that they aren't getting anywhere close to you to find out. Those suck.

Question 20

How Often Do You Covet Things?

We've been told ever and often that we shouldn't covet our neighbor's things, but it's kind of hard not to when he's got a wife that loves him, a kid that adores him, a dog that mourns away the day while he's away, and an insurance company that doesn't try to bleed him dry. It's...so...hard...

Question 21

How Many Times Have You Thought A Baby Was Ugly?

While it may not seem like a burn-forever-in-the-fiery-pits-of-hell type of offense, there is something inhuman about finding a baby ugly. There's an innocence that they represent, a hope that perhaps all of humanity can one day be better which shines through them, overpowering their freakishly awkward movements, leaking orifices, and misshapen heads.

Question 22

How Many Times Have You Been Drunk?

The great thing about this question for drunkards is that they often completely forget a night of heavy drinking, allowing them to truthfully answer that, "well, as far as I remember...never!". That is, save for the poor souls who have permanent reminders of their drunken escapades, like those with broken limbs or...children.

Question 23

Have You Ever Bullied Someone?

If you polled people today, bullying is about the absolute worst thing anyone can ever do. It deserves 10 consecutive life sentences, during which time the bully is subjected to shock therapy and forced to listen to Celine Dion songs for 57 months in a row. That will sure teach that 10-year-old how tolerance works!

Question 24

How Much Adult Entertainment Do You Watch?

According to studies, a lot of us watch p-rn. Like, a LOT. Yet, in North America at least, it's still something that's kind of taboo to talk about. I guess it's the whole thinking about your friend/grandmother/uncle watching naughty videos and doing what he or she is doing while watching it thing. Kind of awkward. Or are we just prudes?

Question 25

How Often Do You Mistreat Waiters?

It's long been held that you can tell a lot about a person based on how they treat waiters. The waiter/patron relationship is one where the patron has the power, and this feeling of power can lead them to lash out in an effort to assert their dominance or impress their companions. For more, please read some random study that's probably been done on the subject.

Question 26

Have You Ever Worked on the Sabbath?

The Sabbath is the day when we're supposed to rest, as God did after the exhausting trials of the whole creating the universe thing. So take the day off from your grueling job at Starbucks (or Tim Hortons for our Canadian readers) and think about the magnitude of the universe, which has about 125 billion galaxies each filled with billions of stars. Basically, that's a lot of potential alien worlds that Starbucks or Restaurant Brands International (the parent company of Tim Hortons) could one day expand to, so buy some shares now.

Question 27

Have You Ever Attempted to Take Your Own Life?

Few things anger divine beings more than their creations attempting to take their own God-given lives. One could question why They didn't just make us immortal, so the most suicidal among us could have fun (or spiritual agony) flinging themselves off of mountains and landing without a scratch, but who are we to understand the minds of Gods?

Question 28

Have You Ever Given Someone Socks As A Present?

It's like the worst meme ever, yet one that keeps repeating itself over and over again, millions of times a year. What is going on here? Socks? Why on earth would anyone think that anyone else would ever want socks for a present? Is it something in the water? It's brain-eating parasites isn't it?

Question 29

Have You Ever Called A Woman Fat?

Women are creatures with delicate constitutions, which is why it's morally reprehensible to ask them their weight, height, age, bra size, favorite sports team, natural hair color, emotional state, relationship status, whether or not it's that time of the month, and whether or not she's happy to have kids (or not). Basically, don't talk to them.

Question 30

Have You Ever Goaded Someone Else Into Sin?

Unfortunately, getting someone else to do your dirty work for you doesn't work with celestial beings, who have decreed that another's sin is also your sin if you put them up to it. Takes a little bit of the fun out of convincing your buddy to light that bag of dog poop on your neighbor's porch, but...only a little.

Question 31

Have You Failed to Repay Any Debts?

A failure to repay a debt is essentially viewed as stealing or fraud, regardless of whether one's intentions are honorable or not. This makes borrowing money from the elderly particularly fraught with peril, as one must weigh the likelihood of their inevitable demise with the time needed to repay the debt. Borrowers often bring along a doctor for an impromptu exam to make sure they're not stepping into a sinful landmine of impending death and eternal IOUs.

Question 32

Have You Ever Shared the Gospel With Others?

Long before social media, religious groups knew that the best way to spread the word of God was by making it go viral. This is why believers were tasked with the need to spread the Gospel among others, as the Church expertly turned the entirety of its flock into rabid promoters, an army of devout Don Kings.

Question 33

Have You Ever Fled From a Battlefield?

There haven't been many modern battlefields for people to flee from, save for Canada's recent invasion of Slovakia, when their gift of a Trojan Moose secretly contained thousands of genetically modified Mounties being powered by Maple Syrup. That's a good thing, because fleeing from a battlefield is not tolerated by Islam (or Sugared-Up Mounties).

Question 34

Have You Ever Eavesdropped on a Conversation?

A conversation is a sacred bond of communication between two people, who expect to be afforded a certain level of privacy. That is, unless they're THOSE people that loudly talk on the elevator, sharing every sordid detail of their lives with the other passengers. At least the elevator likes the socializing, an all-too brief respite from its often solitary existence.

Question 35

Have You Ever Made a Statue or Picture?

Allah doesn't like competition in the creation department, which is why creating things like pictures or statues is forbidden in Islam. In fact, those who do are to expect the "greatest punishment on the day of judgment". Never ceases to amaze how deities can demand perfection in thought and form from their creations, while being giant balls of insecurity and ego themselves.

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