Rate These Superpowers And We’ll Reveal Your Superhero Alter Ego
- by Michelle_Sanders
- – on
- in Lifestyle
With so many errands to run and so many household chores to attend to, there's always something to do, and at this point, we are in no position to be turning down help. Unfortunately, we don't really have anybody to help us out. We mean, we can't just call our friends and be like, "Hey, come over, the dishwasher's done and these bowls ain't gonna put themselves away," now, can we? That would be rude.
And we'll say something else, too. Our pets may be adorable and we may love them to pieces, but they're total slackers. When the dryer buzzes, they don't snap into action. When the floor needs to be mopped, they pull the "Sorry! No opposable thumbs!" thing and skedaddle. Those pets, man, they're precious and sweet, but they're no help.
Nope, when it comes to tending to our own stuff, it's ours to tend to alone, which is why we think it would be super helpful to have some superpowers. But because they're boring superpowers, helpful not to the whole world, but only in terms of making our own lives easier and more interesting, we've christened them "mundane superpowers". Rate some of these helpful skills right now and we'll reveal everyone's superhero twin.
Shoot a stream of soda out of the palms of our hands
Like any super power, having soda hands would come with its own set of responsibilities. First of all, you would have to be able to exercise some serious self-control. With all of that Coke and Sprite or whatever at your disposal, it would be easy to go overboard by drinking nothing but soft drinks and ditching water altogether. Plus, we imagine the ability to shoot soda out of your hands at will might leave you with sticky fingers. But, that's the price you pay for this mundane superpower.
Fold the laundry just by whistling
You know how to fold laundry, right? Just put your lips together and blow. Oh, wait, that's how you whistle. But, wouldn't it be too cool for school if you could fold laundry just by whistling? That would save sooooo much time! 'Course, you would have to be good at whistling—and, no, using a store bought whistle wouldn't cut it. You've got to be able to whistle on your own, otherwise it won't work. Those are the rules.
Perfect shopping without a grocery list
We'll level with you right now, we don't have the best...oh, shoot, what were we talking about? Oh, right. Yeah, like we were saying, we don't have the best memory, so when we go grocery shopping, we always have to take a list with us to remember exactly what we need to pick up to take back home. But, wouldn't it be so rad if we didn't have to do that? If we could just remember, every, single time we went exactly what we needed from the grocery store? We think it would be.
Order the right size every time
Shopping online is the best thing since sliced bread. You can buy stuff in your jam-jams on the couch in the comfort of your own home. Radical! The only problem with that is you can end up ordering the wrong size, even *if* you've checked the size chart. Yeah, totally bummer. Well, what if your mundane superpower was the ability to order clothes online, and when they arrived, they always fit perfectly everywhere? Sounds pretty sweet, eh?
Play music out of our nose whenever we want
So, you've probably heard of the lifehack where if you start streaming your playlist and you stick an earbud in your nostril and open your mouth, it will act as a speaker. That's cool, but we figured we would take that little trick one step further into full-on mundane superpower mode! We think it would be amazeballs if you could just play music through your nose holes at will. Ha! See ya later, tying a cherry stem with your tongue, now *this* is a real party trick!
Scramble eggs by snapping our fingers
If you love breakfast, then this mundane superpower should be right up your alley. Now, normally, when you snap your fingers, nothing much happens. Sure, you might get someone's attention, or your dog might sit down, but that's about it. But! Hear us out. What if, when you snapped your fingers, you had a plate full of scrambled eggs! Right there! At your disposal! Sounds cool to us.
Talk to elephants by juggling
We have zero coordination, so for us, juggling is pretty much a superpower all by itself. Talking to elephants on the other hand. Most people can't do that, not even with lots of practice! Wouldn't it be neat, though, if by juggling, we could speak to those giant gray critters? We could talk about the weather, or maybe they would confide in us that they are actually quite forgetful, that they don't even like those circus peanuts we always feed them and that they're not really all that afraid of mice.
Eat sushi to gain super-strength
Pro: you get superhero strength. Con: you have to eat sushi—and, no, you can't smother it in ketchup in an attempt to mask the flavor. Hey, don't get us wrong, the last thing we're trying to do is knock sushi. We like it! But, we know not everybody does, so that's the trade-off for this mundane superpower. Sure, you would get the power to lift a house or bench press a Clydesdale, but first, you've got to down some sashimi. Do we have a deal?
Drinking coffee provides scent manipulation
Okay, okay, so maybe having the ability to change the smell of something or the scent of a room doesn't sound all that impressive, but we think it's just a swell little added bonus to drinking coffee, and, if you ask us, we would rather have it than not. Think about it! You could make your home always smell like a bakery, or you could pass gas wherever you wanted without anyone ever knowing. It has it's benefits, hear them out before turning it down!
Free WiFi, but you have to balance your checkbook
You have to balance your checkbook. Look, we know how much not fun it is to have to budget, but since your mom would totally freak out if she found out you haven't been doing this (for years, now), it would probably be a good idea to start. And, to make it worth your while, we'll even add in a mundane superpower. Let's say if you balance that checkbook of yours, you get the ability to produce free WiFi, wherever you are, whenever you are, for the whole month. Is that a bargain?
Parallel park by clapping
Up until the invention of The Clapper light switch, clapping didn't do much of anything beyond let other people now you approve of whatever it is they're doing. It's high time we start making clapping work for us. In this mundane superpower, we thought it would be awesome if you could parallel park just by clapping your hands. Sure, people will look at you funny from the sidewalk, but who'll be laughing when you step out of your vehicle to find it right between the lines? Huh, huh?
Doing taxes puts clean dishes away for a whole year
Taxes. Nobody likes doing them, and that's why most of us just avoid thinking about it until April, when we take a backpack full of receipts and bank statements to an accountant and pay them not to tell us they won't figure it out for us. Doing taxes is just plain blah, there's no way around it, but if only it had some kind of pay off. What if, by doing our own taxes, clean dishes put themselves away for a whole year? Sure, you've got to crunch numbers, but we think this mundane superpower pretty much pays for itself by the first dishwasher full of clean plates and spoons.
Chewing bubble gum causes laser eyes
Step right up, folks, and let us tell you about an *ah-may-zing* new mundane superpower that has *just this very moment* hit the imaginary shelves! Take any piece of average chewing gum you want. Any piece at all. Heck, make it two pieces, or three! There are no limitations, here! Now, just by chewing on that gum ball you've got there, you'll be able to shoot light beams out of your VERY. OWN. EYES! Is it a mundane superpower, or is it a sublime act of prestidigitation? You decide!
Become invisible whenever we do cartwheels
Many's the time we've wanted to just dissipate into thin air, and with this mundane superpower, it would finally be possible to worm our way out of any situation we would rather not be in. Here's the deal. You can become invisible, but only while you're doing cartwheels. It has it's benefits. People would see you getting ready to do a somersault, then, VA-VOOM! You'd just be gone. The downside is, this invisibility caveat makes this superpower not so great for spying.
Eating spaghetti gives us the power to shapeshift
Dude, eating spaghetti is already pretty much a superpower, are we right or are we right? Tomato sauce and pasta. You just can't beat that. But how much cooler would eating spaghetti be if it also gave us the ability to shape-shift at will? The more spaghetti you eat, the more energy you shove into that invisible shape-shifting ability battery pack to use whenever you want. Ugh, where do we sign? We're *so* in!
Levitate by drinking raw eggs
Raw eggs are a good source of protein. Then again, they're also slimy and gelatinous in texture and just *gags* in general. We might be persuaded to drink a blender full of raw eggs if it did something for us—you know, beside give us nutrient-dense proteins and fats. Maybe, if those yucky eggs could give us the power to levitate at will...we might be more willing to take a bendy straw to them.
Get the power of night vision, but only while churning butter
Here's the deal. You get night vision. BUT. Only when you're churning butter. Which means you've got to get Great Grandma's old butter churn out of the attic, buy a dairy cow, name her Bessie, get her a bell—because you can't have a cow wandering around your condo without a bell on, she'll get into all sorts of mischief—and you've got to invest in a Little House on the Prairie-style outfit. It's a pain, we know, but this is what you're gonna have to do if you want the mundane superpower of seeing in the dark. Added bonus: fresh butter!
Making origami swans leads to musical genius
Hmm...okay, here's one. For every origami swan you make, you learn a random song to play on the piano—or any other instrument. Could be the trumpet, could be the harp, could be the harmonica. And it could be any song, too. It might be something fancy and gorgeous, like Beethoven's 6th Symphony. Or, it could be something you probably never wanted to learn, like "Toxic" by Britney Spears. It's a crapshoot.
Eating pineapple pizza provides the ability to win any video game on the first try
Pineapple pizza might just be the most controversial subject of our day, and that's...well, it's kind of sad, actually, but we get it. Not everybody wants fruit on their pizza, and that's cool. But, get this. What if, just by eating pineapple pizza, you could win a video game on the first try? Beat all the bosses, nail all the side quests, do the whole thing without getting stuck and while getting a high score? 'Cause we think that'd be just awesome.
Drinking green tea gives the ability to speak to birds
Green tea is supposed to be super good for you, right? Yeah, well, sometimes the taste is not so stellar, and it's for this reason that we never drink it. Like, ever. Perhaps we would be more inclined to sip this green beverage if it came with some kind of amazing side effect. We're talking the ability to speak with birds. If we could chit chat with the chickadees just by downing some green tea, we'd be much more inclined. What do you think?
Raking leaves washes the car, too
We all have so much to get done. Our to-do list is taller than we are at this point, and we bet yours looks just about the same. It's for this reason that we're all about multitasking. Anything that gets more done at once just blows our mind. That's why we think it'd be just swell if, just by raking leaves, our car would magically get washed, waxed and vacuumed out, too. That's what we're talkin' about!
Perfect Scrabble hand every time by recycling
Recycling has so many benefits, honestly. You keep stuff out of landfills, you help reuse materials, you earn bragging rights among your friends and coworkers. Seriously, so many great things about recycling. And yet, not *enough* great things about recycling to make us actually do it. Tell ya what, if you can make it so we get the perfect Scrabble hand every time, we might just consider recycling. We want some vowels. We want some good consonants. None of that "X,Y,Z,Z,I,R,W" business like we got the last time we played that game, capeesh?
Being sick gives the ability to breathe underwater
Alright, we've got another one. What if it were possible to breathe underwater, but—and this is a big "but", so you may not be on board, and we get that—only when you have a cold or the flu. So, yeah, you'll be able to breathe underwater, but because it only happens when you're sick, you probably won't feel like it.
Eating squid gives suction cup feet for up to two weeks
Squid. As a main course, it's definitely not for everybody, that's why we think this stuff would be a lot more popular with consumers if it gave us some kind of superpower. Here's what we propose. Eating a plate of squid gives us suction cup feet so we can stick to nearly any surface, just like a gecko, and it stays that way for up to two weeks. What do you think?
Toast bread by winking
Toast is, um. Well, it's toast. It's just sliced bread with a tan, a good vessel for things like jellies and jams and fresh butter and honey. You can use it to make sandwiches, too, for a change of pace. Toast isn't a bad thing, not by any means, it's just not the greatest thing ever. It's not, oh, say, a suitcase full of a billion dollars. But, hey, if we could make toast whenever we wanted just by winking, we'd totally do it. What say you?
Turn into a balloon animal at will
You want a mundane superpower? Alright, we'll give you a mundane superpower. What if you could turn into a balloon animal at will? Sounds lame, sure, but you could hire yourself out for kid's parties. You could probably make a good living doing that. It'd be a great way to get out of doing stuff, too. Your boss asks you to work overtime this weekend, POOF. Just turn into a balloon animal. Can't hear your responsibilities when you're a latex puppy, now, can you?
Sneeze breadsticks
We have seasonal allergies, so we'll got months at a time being just fine, then winter turns into spring and bippidy-boppidy-achoo. It's all over. Suddenly, we've got the sniffles, the snuffles and the sneezes. We can't help but think all of this nonsense would be better if we could, oh, we don't know. How 'bout if we could sneeze some breadsticks? It's be gross at first, but at least we'd get *something* good out of it, right?
Control the weather by doing sudoku puzzles
We used to have the hardest time with sudoku puzzles until we realized it's not about math, it's about deduction. Now that we've got that part down, we...still have the hardest time with sudoku. Okay, look, so we're not that good at it, but wouldn't it be cool it, just by doing sudoku puzzles, you could control the weather? Want a thunderstorm to brew on the horizon? Solve a sudoku. Ready for a sunny, breezy day? Solve a sudoku. Cooler weather? Warmer weather? Foggy, windy, clear, rainy—it's all at your fingertips with the help of sudoku.
Win any pillow fight by only eating Raisin Bran cereal
Whew, if you think pineapple pizza is divisive, you've obviously never heard of a little dried fruit called raisins. We had the audacity to put some in a batch of cookies we took to a family reunion ten years back, and we still haven't heard from our relatives. Here's the sitcheeashun. You can win *any* pillow fight, spontaneous or premeditated, but only if you eat Raisin Bran cereal. What say you to this mundane superpower? Is the trade-off worth it?
Tickle people across long distances
If playing pranks is one of your most favorite things, or if you're just a little bit petty and want some harmless revenge, we are right there with you, bud. Hey, we get it. That's why we've just now fake invented this mundane superpower: the ability to tickle people from across long distances using only...your mind. Eh? Pretty neat, huh?
Eating dog food leads to acne-free skin
If somebody told us that we could clear up these zits on our chin by snacking on some Kibbles and Bits, we would laugh and laugh and laugh...and then we'd ask them to tell us more. Seriously, we'll do anything for clear skin, ANYTHING. If achieving the perfect complexion means eating Alpo, then that's one mundane superpower we're willing to accept.
Knitting writes the perfect appreciation note
Getting gifts when you're little is nothing but amazing. When you grow up, however, you soon realize it's a double-edged sword. Sure, you got a gift, but know what else you got? A chore, because now you've got to buy little "Thank you" cards and find something to say about the gift to the person who bought you the gift. Bummer. Well, what if you could write the perfect "Thank you" note just by knitting? you'd have to watch some YouTube tutorials, figure out how to cast on and purl stitch and whatnot, but in the end, we say it's worth it.
Magnetized stomach
Another mundane superpower. You have a stomach, so it's just like right now, only...it's magnetized. We have no idea how this might be considered handy or beneficial in any way, but we guess you could stick stuff to yourself. Like, you could grab a magnet from the fridge and hang your kid's fingerpaintings up on your belly for all the world to see. That's, uh...pretty...pretty great, we s'pose.
Produce unlimited cheese by vacuuming
Vacuuming. Nobody likes it. It's not fun to have to hoover the floor of your home, or to have to get on your stomach with the hose attachment to see to catch the dust bunnies hiding under there. Maybe if vacuuming produced unlimited cheese, we would be more inclined to do it. No, scratch that, we *definitely* would! Especially if the cheese is pepper jack. Gosh, we love that stuff.
Take perfect selfies, but only by eating nothing but anchovy paste
Who in their right mind would turn down the opportunity to take the perfect selfies for life, huh? Actually, we would, because in this mundane superpower (which we just made up, so, really, we have only ourselves to blame) to get the ability to take the best selfies ever, you would have to agree to eat nothing but anchovy paste for the rest of your life. Yeah. We're gonna pass, but it's up to you, man. Whatever boats your float.
