Rate These American Muscle Cars And We'll Guess If You're A Real Man
- by Edward Cambro
- – on
- in Lifestyle
America. Our best export is our culture. We’re at the forefront of entertainment, medical advances and technological breakthroughs. And back when we used to actually make things, we were the best at that too. Those days are somewhat behind us now, and while there are some cars still made in America, there are so many other companies out there with their own terrific contributions to the automotive landscape. But there’s something that even the best foreign car companies will never have. The muscle car. Sure, they can make them, but they aren’t as intrinsically tied to American identity as ours are.
When you think of Americana, there’s the flag, the bald eagle, there’s the frontier and the open road. And on that open road is a gleaming, speeding muscle car in blazing red, metallic black or ocean blue. Even today, there isn’t a real man in these United States who doesn’t feel some electricity when they see a muscle car in action. But being a passenger is different than driving. And muscle cars don’t handle like a typical car. Can you man up?
So, queue up the Team America soundtrack—you know the song we’re talking about—and taking an eras-spanning quiz to find out if you’re man enough to handle a truly American car.
1967 Chevy Impala
Before we start skipping around, we’ll start this quiz at the beginning of history. In 1958, Chevrolet rolled out its first Impalas. With their sleek design and growling engines, they introduced America to its new signature vehicle: the muscle car. We’ve had an obsession with them ever since, especially the classics like this one. Supernatural fans will recognize the 1967 model specifically: it’s driven by Dean and Sam (mostly Dean). We love you, Baby.
1968 Mustang GT 390
The best car chase in film history was in 1968’s Bullitt, starring the King of Cool, Steve McQueen. McQueen attempted for decades to buy the one he originally drove in the movie, only to be consistently rejected. Imagine being the guy who said no the Steve McQueen. I’d have that engraved on my tombstone. Durable, slick and with an undeniable air of trouble about it, we’re surprised it took 50 years to see her go back into production.
1965 Shelby Mustang GT350
The GT350 is cousin to the Cobra (and don’t worry, we’ll get there). It’s small and light and, admittedly, a tough drive even for the experienced. They were made with racing in mind, though their popularity made Ford produce more street-friendly versions in 1966. Aesthetically, you are hard-pressed to find a more influential or more classically American design.
2014 Equus Bass 770
See, we’re not stuck in the past (entirely). The hand-built (!) Equus Bass first debuted in 2014, though its design is a hybridic merge of old and new. It’s considered a luxury muscle car, meaning you’ll be seeing more weekend warriors driving her around than any Lunch-bucket Pete. It also doesn’t help that there are only 15 of these cars made and they retail at a starting price of $534,000. But she’s a damn fine vehicle, isn’t she?
1969 Plymouth Road Runner
If you own this car and you haven’t blasted Modern Lovers’ “Roadrunner” as loud as possible from the stereo, then we don’t know if there’s any way to save you. Sure, it’s a little on the nose, but you have to take life’s little pleasures wherever you can. And the Plymouth Road Runner damn sure is a pleasure in and of itself.
1978 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am
If you haven’t seen Smokey and the Bandit, finish this quiz and watch it. Then come back and do the quiz again because I need money to buy a 1978 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am because of how much I love that damn movie. Maybe it’s the redneck in my veins but that giant bird emblazoned on the hood just screams freedom to me.
1970 Plymouth Barracuda
Before we continue, can we just admit that the Barracuda is possibly the worst name for a car outside of the Pinto? With that out of the way, if you got the Barracuda confused with the Shelby, you’re not alone. The Barracuda does deserve some of love, however; it has an era-bending design that harkens back to the 50s, to the then-present and was influential in future/modern car designs now.
1965 Oldsmobile 442
Descriptions of the 60s and 70s Oldsmobiles often advertised full carpeting in their vehicles. We would like to remind not only that perhaps some style moors of the era are best left forgotten, but that this was during the sexual revolution. Keep that in mind. The 442 became an iconic vehicle in automotive and American history and was used as a pace car in that year’s Indy 500.
1969 Ford Mustang Boss 429
One of the many classic cars in Jay Leno’s prized collection, the Boss 9 is considered one of the best—if not the best—muscle car of all time. It’s not only because of its rarity—only 857 were ever manufactured—but because of its massive engine (the weight required thicker tires). The Boss 9’s engine was the largest Ford had developed. When she ran, it was with a roar, making the Boss 9 both thunder and lightning.
1968 Ford Mustang Shelby GT500
This is the last Mustang for a while—we promise. The Mustangs are, to the surprise of no one, great for racing. In the case of the GT500, however, she was built for it. Drag racing specifically. That’s right, baby, we’re talking about the Cobra Jet. Known for its King of the Road moniker, Ford initially reported the Mustang as having 335 horsepower. This was a severe under-reporting.
1984 Chevy Corvette
Was this the little red corvette that Prince sang about? Well, no. Not even close. You see, that song was a metaphor for a sexual encounter he had with a promiscuous woman. Really. Listen to the lyrics. Anyway, look, we’re here for the other little red corvette which is no less deserving of our love. Sleek and modern, the ’84 model was a little low on horsepower, but it started a new generation of muscle cars.
1969 Dodge Charger Daytona
We’d really hate to devolve into hackery, but you might be a redneck if you like this car. The ’69 Charger was, of course, most famously known for appearing in The Dukes of Hazard. It was also, however, built for more than street racing. As its name suggests, the Dayton was built for NASCAR racing and it was damn sure successful. The race version of the Daytona was the first to break the 200mph barrier in NASCAR history.
1982 Pontiac Firebird
Sure, we mentioned the ’78 Pontiac Firebird earlier, but anybody who knows the important parts of American history will know why we’ve also added the ’82. Does she look familiar? Of course she does. The ’82 Firebird was the basis of KITT from Knight Rider. You can’t have a car quiz without the inherently cool talking car or David Hasselhoff.
1971 AMC Javelin
Despite the many muscle car generations being made by several different companies, by 1971 consumer expectation and design necessity gave the cars a kind of homogenous look. American Motors attempted to shake things up by embracing a more sports-styled design. The Javelin offered a roof spoiler and was a noticeably larger vehicle than the muscle cars on the road at the time. It didn’t work out so well then, AMC proved to have been correct in the end.
2013 Cadillac CTS-V
Cadillac has gone through many changes over the years. At the end of the day it’s still a luxury car company, but it still offers surprises. It’s no longer just the car brand for your grandfather to celebrate his retirement. Cadillacs can show off an air of class and distinction while also reflecting modern aesthetics. The CTS-V is a luxury car with a design that hints at its muscle car pedigree.
1970 Chevrolet Chevelle Malibu
Sometimes you want the light to turn green and hear the grow of the engine rise into a full roar. But you also have to pick up your kids at 3. The Malibu was one of the first of its kind to try to have its cake and eat it too—it’s a muscle car with family sensibilities. While it didn’t reach the massive success that other muscle-hybrids eventually did, it was a necessary step.
2006 Pontiac GTO
And now we come to the conclusion of that hybrid style. The Pontiac GTOs started out as strictly muscle cars, but as the company evolved other the years, it began offering different competing models. The 2006 entry retains the verbose color options and potential top speeds of a traditional muscle car, but the squared, staid design of a family car.
1969 Chevrolet Camaro
Loud, mean and dripping with sex appeal. The calling card of the Camaros of the 60s and 70s. To say we miss this kind of design and engineering is an understatement. Given the Camaro’s prominence (admittedly a late-70s model) in Stranger Things season 2, we’re hoping some classics will go back into production. We also hope we could get some cash to buy one.
1972 Ford Gran Torino
Even if there wasn’t a badass Clint Eastwood movie forever attached to its name, the Gran Torino would have to appear in this quiz. Eastwood’s contribution just helps add to the cool factor and underlines the importance of the vehicle in the American mythology. Now get off Mr. Eastwood’s lawn.
1965 Shelby Cobra
No, we’re not—at least for now—talking to Marion “Cobra” Cobretti. We’re talking about one of the most beautiful cars in automotive history. Resting comfortably in the space between roadster and muscle car, the Cobra is a nice car made for nice weather. Imagine racing across the PCH or down Mulholland at sunset (excuse the clichés) with the wind in your hair. It’s like a morphine drip.
2018 Challenger Hellcat
The Hellcat lives up to its name. The owl-eye headlights and prominent brow-life fascia give the Challenger an intimidating glare. Just paint it matte black and you have Dodge’s answer to Ford’s V8 Interceptor. It’s a damn powerful car and one that takes a skilled, experienced driver to keep under control. Yes, the Hellcat is a car you need to keep on a leash.
1976 Chevrolet El Camino
If the mullet came in car form, it would be the El Camino. From the front it looks normal, but there’s a surprise toward the back. It’s familiar-yet-new design draws the eye and the large trunk combined with its strong engine added to its utility. It was a noble experiment and likely influenced the modern mid-size SUVs of the 90s.
1966 Pontiac GTO
A man likes curves. The 1966 Pontiac GTO introduced sexy angles into muscle car design. The changes introduced the Coke-bottle look that became standard over the next 15 years of muscle car generations across the major automotive companies. Variations of the GTO were offered: pillared, hardtop and convertible, making it so that there was a Pontiac GTO perfect for anywhere in America.
2013 Dodge Viper SRT10
Okay, confession time. I was about five when the first Viper debuted in 1992. I about crapped my pants. I thought it was a car Batman would drive. Later, of course, it was clear that he would more likely drive an Acura, but that’s neither here nor there. The Viper has traditionally been a sports or super car, though the SRT10 certainly has some muscle car in its DNA.
2015 Dodge Charger SRT
Vic Mackey drove a Dodge Charger. If it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for me. You really can’t go wrong with Chargers, but I have to admit I’m not the biggest fan of the pervasive skirts that the Charger and modern muscle cars use. Regardless of their utility, they’re not aesthetically pleasing.
2015 Chevrolet Corvette Stingray Z51
Proving that not all modern cars look like electric shavers and that not all Stingrays belong in history, the 2015 update has trimmed and modernized the Stingray’s angles to something more akin to a coupe while retaining its soul. Is it a luxury car, a sports car or a muscle car? It’s a little bit of everything. It’s also surprisingly affordable (compared to many other muscle cars and corvettes on the road).
2013 Ford Mustang Boss 302
Okay, we’re back to the Mustangs. But at least it’s a modern one. We’ll also, appropriately, back to the Boss. (No, we’re not talking about Hugo, Sasha Banks or the underappreciated Kelsey Grammer drama on Starz.) The 302 handles better than any Mustang before it and rocks one of the best V8s money can buy. Admittedly, if you do want to buy it, the 302 doesn’t come cheap.
2019 Chevrolet Z06
If you look at it from the right angle, it looks like the Z06 is gritting its teeth at you, angrily. Given its price, you should be the one making that pained expression. But, then again, if you want quality, you often have to pay for it. The Z06 will debut Chevy’s new eight-speed automatic transmission with a sprint time that would make the Flash blush.
2015 Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat
The Hellcat returned in 2015 and did not disappoint. You are looking at the fastest and most powerful muscle car in history. The Hellcat boasts a National Hot Rod Association-certified 1/4-mile elapsed time of 11.2 seconds at 125MPH and with 707 horsepower and 650 lb.-ft. of torque. We’re not entirely sure what that all means, but it sounds damn impressive.
The Beast
We had to do this. Of course, the President of the United States needs to travel in a safe, strong vehicle. One that screams America. Nicknamed The Beast, the presidential limo is definitely American. The outside trim is pieced together from the Cadillac Escalade and reinforced to make it virtually impenetrable. Under the hood, however, the Beast’s chassis, diesel engine and transmission come from the Chevrolet Kodiak—a build used mostly in heavy trucks and commercial vehicles.
2016 Cadillac ATS-V
Okay, this one does kinda look like an electric razor. You can’t win them all. While noticeably smaller and more sedan-like, the ATS is still a muscle car at heart. It’ll go from 0-60 in 3.8 seconds and is equipped with a rear-wheel drive and a twin turbo-charged V6 engine that sports 464 horsepower. Between the CTS and the ATS, it’s clear Cadillac wants to compete in the muscle game.
2016 Chevrolet Camaro ZL1
Imagine it’s summer and you’re screaming down the streets in a topless ZL1. Wind in your hair as you blast Ronnie James Dio or Deep Purple on the radio. Is it a midlife crisis or a dream come true? Why can’t it be both? Sometimes it’s a pony car, sometimes it’s a muscle car, but whatever form the Camaro comes in, you know it’s a sturdy and damn fun ride.
Dodge Viper ACR
We’re at the very edge of what could be considered a muscle car with the Viper ACR. Hell, the ACR is notoriously on the edge of being street legal. It’s a damn track car. It boasts a 645-horsepower V10 engine and a six-speed Tremec T6060 transmission. This may be another blank-stared “My cat’s name is Mittens moment,” but it’s also another case of a small car with a big heart.
1958 Chevy Impala
Like the Oldsmobile 88 or the Ford Thunderbolt, the ’58 Chevy Impala is unassuming if you’re going only by its looks. When you think of a classic car, this is the image you have in your mind. With its sculptured design and soft coloring, it was like an elegant missile careening across the country. Sure, you had seatbelts, but they were there just to satisfy the insurance company.
1949 Oldsmobile 88
Of course, we had to end at the beginning. The 1949 Oldsmobile 88 was the first muscle car. The 88 is slower than molasses by today’s measure (top speed of 97MPH). For its time, however, it was the fastest thing going, with people referring to it as “a jet engine on wheels.” Its compression capabilities and fuel efficiency were equally revolutionary, as well as its use of overhead cams. This is the muscle car on which all others are based.
