Play Hook Up Never Have I Ever, And We'll Guess When You Lost It
- by Edward Cambro
- – on
- in Lifestyle
You know what's a fun icebreaker of a game? Never have I ever. You know what makes people uncomfortable? Sex. This makes for a great time, but some people are embarrassed for their extensive (or perhaps less than) personal history. So, let's cut out the anxiety and keep this is our little secret. We promise we won't track you down and blackmail you with the personal data you give us. Hey, worse that can happen is you get a few laughs out of this. And isn't that what this is all about?
Also, for the sake of our more sensitive players, we'll try and keep some of the lingo here euphemistic, so some of you normies won't get too uncomfortable playing a sex quiz alone in your apartment (or on the bus--we're not here to judge).
There are no right and wrong answers here. Let's just try and guess how old you were first time you got some. We bet we can accurately guess how old you were when you first started to get busy. And to be clear, we're talking about going all the way, so now isn't the time to be shy or nervous. Let's get started!
Do you know the name of everybody you've hooked up with?
You ever read or watch a really cool, really intense mystery and feel let down when all your questions were answered? People can be like that too. Sometimes the unknown gives the air an electric sense of danger. Wanting is sometimes better than having and sometimes questions are better than answers.
Have you ever lied about your "number."
Is there really a “right” number? Either way, nobody wants to feel judged for having whatever merits too much or too little experience. As long as there aren’t any diseases and it still feels good for everybody involved, who cares? And whose business is it anyway? Nobody’s. It’s not like you get prizes or anything. Unless orgasms count.
Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?
Nothing lets you realize how little you actually want to be in this relationship quite like a pregnancy scare. "Oh no, I might have to deal with this person in some capacity for the rest of my life!" —to say nothing of the financial burden (and germs) a child brings. Sure, there’s joy too, probably, but it’d help if the co-parent was somebody else.
Have you ever needed to get an item surgically removed?
Sometimes, things just happen. Things get stuck. A prophylactic, a toy, maybe the leg of a stool. Or a gerbil named Lemmiwinks. Hey, we’re not here to judge. This happens so often there are dozens of horrendous articles on horrendous websites chronicling these stories. And they’re all practically the same.
Have you ever hooked up with someone you met on Tinder?
Tinder is the fast food of dating services. Everybody uses it, but they’re not particularly proud of it. Where most dating sites will underline the potential relationship opportunities, this one is all about the hook-up. It’s efficient and convenient, and an absolute crapshoot.
You you ever done it with others watching?
Voyeurism is a thing, and it can be pretty hot if you’re into it. It’s like being caught without the consequences. People watching you being naughty is a turn-on, and people being jealous of your activity is a turn-on. They wish they were with you or your partner. It makes you feel special, hot, and dangerous.
Have you ever made a 'video'?
It’s no longer celebrities—anyone can do it now. Couples looking to spice things up or save for posterity how great they looked at one point can create high-quality tapes which is both a blessing and a curse. You can have a perfectly preserved memory or an incredibly embarrassing piece of evidence if it were to ever find its way into the public sphere.
You ever send nudes?
This is a gamble. Of course, getting to know what other people are working with is important in identifying if they’re someone you might want to spend some time with, but, like sex tapes, they sometimes make it to the public. Nudes can be difficult to send, too. You want to look good—get the right lighting, angle…forced perspective—whatever!
Have you ever hooked up with twins?
Maybe at once, maybe one at a time. Maybe they were twins. There’s a feeling of accomplishment in knocking off members of a family—like they’re implicitly betraying their sibling when they choose to sleep with you. Maybe you’re just bad at making decisions, so you need to try all the flavors available to you.
Have you ever called someone by the wrong name during?
Maybe you were thinking about someone else. Maybe your limbic system fired the wrong impulse. Maybe your subconscious is just screwing with you. Maybe you really weren’t sure of your partner’s name. There are so many reasons why this might have happened. So, let’s just take the easy way and say it was just the booze.
Have you ever fooled around without kissing
Let’s dive into the deep end. You finally round third, but did you skip first and second to get there? Sure, it can all be considered foreplay, but did you just skip all that to get to the meat of the situation? What, is that a little too on the nose? Next time we’ll aim for the chin.
Have you ever been in an open relationship?
We really don’t get this one. When you’re with the right person, you know it. You want to only be with them. Everything else is just a lie. A potentially sexy lie, but a lie nonetheless. Look, we’re not judging, but there’s a common-sense factor that’s getting ignored. Actually, wait a minute, we’re seeing the benefits now. Nobody likes to eat a poppy bagel every day. Okay we get it now—we’ve converted.
Have you ever cheated?
People have a variety of reasons for cheating. Usually it’s just about opportunity. Sometimes it’s really just an accident. Sometimes, you’re just a piece of human garbage. It’s a thrill to those who have done it, not so much for the person getting cheated on. Going by recent statistics, in the amount of relationships people have in their lifetime, there’s almost a guarantee that you’ll have cheated in one…
Have you ever been cheated on?
…or have been the one cheated on. This side of the issue is a lot less dangerous and thrilling. There’s more drinking and self-hate. A lot more anger, spite, and inextinguishable embitterment whose half-life will radiate throughout time and space long after everyone involved is dead.
Have you ever had to delete incriminating texts or pics?
Sometimes getting caught isn’t fun. Sometimes people don’t cheat, but they do intrigue—they see if they can get that same sexual spark out of someone they once did with their partner. Also, if you’re still under the thumb of mom and dad, you probably don’t want them to see what you’re up to.
Have you ever hooked up with more than three people at once?
George Michael said, “sex is best when it’s one on one.” Your mileage may vary, of course. Group sex can be fun…and a lot of work. Cardio should never be skipped, that’s all we’re saying. As a note, we’re considering any configuration with more than two partners as “group sex.” Again, your mileage may vary.
Have you ever paid for it?
Frankly, you pay for it no matter what, but that's a different argument. This is a controversial topic due to the easily exploitable and one-sided manner prostitution is portrayed in the media and academic sphere. Not only should sex-work be destigmatized, by making it legal (or at least decriminalized) both provider and client would be allowed to operate safely, seeing a reduction in violence and the spreading of disease.
Have you ever received or initiated a booty call?
Well, if anything, getting a booty call is a confidence booster. Sometimes. Really depends on the level of desperation on both sides and if there are ulterior motives. But, look, sometimes you just gotta have it. The Internet and smartphones have made booty calls easier than ever—special thanks to Al Gore and Steve Jobs.
Have you ever slept with a friend’s spouse/significant other?
Going back to our theme of betrayal, this is some “Jesse’s Girl” type stuff, only we’re asking you if it actually happened. It doesn’t just happen in songs, after all. Especially in high school. Things happen, don’t they? Doesn’t make it right, just makes it whatever it is. Existent. Unfortunate. Something that happened for any variety of reasons.
Have you ever got it on during that time of the month?
We’ve extensively covered instances when you just gotta have it. Some women even find themselves more turned on during their periods, so there are cases where it’s commonplace. It’s certainly not for everyone, but, again, we’re not here to judge. God knows there’s enough to burn our personal lives down if you turn that mirror around.
Have you ever ever experimented with someone of the same gender?
There’s a great line in Michael Chabon’s “The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.” One character, Cleveland, finds out his two friends, Arthur and Art (brilliant name choices), had sex. Art is confused about this gay encounter afterwards. Cleveland brushes this off. “Nothing wrong with playing with your sexual chemistry set.” And, hey, it’s college. Chef in South Park said it was the right time to experiment then too.
Have you ever used a toy?
Some people prefer getting their hands dirty, others prefer some manufactured help that may feel more like the real thing. Imagination is what counts in either event, and so long as you’re having fun, we say go for it. Back in the day, the wasn’t as much availability or selection for either men or women, but nowadays, you’ve got a buffet of options. Happy hunting.
Have you ever climaxed with a partner?
If you’re a virgin, we understand that. If you’re in a relationship, then it’s your own fault for not communicating your needs. Damnit, well, looks like we judged you. Sorry about that. But it doesn’t change anything. Fix the problem. Talk to your partner. Or, in case you’re a virgin, find one. Use Tinder. (Results may vary, pictures may not be indicative of outcome.)
Have you ever role-played?
In case you’re not into swinging or groups, role-playing can be a fun way to keep the relationship interesting. It can also be tedious, so YMMV if you haven’t tried it before. Sometimes all it takes is a decent bit of acting; though, if we may be so bold to suggest sexy outfits. Maybe a wig or something. If you’re going to do it, do it right.
Have you ever fooled around with your teacher?
Teacher-student relationships aren’t just in Van Halen songs anymore. Judging by all the stories coming out these days. And when the hell did teachers get hot anyway? Good god. When I was coming up most of them looked like alcoholic soccer moms and Uwe Boll.
Have you ever been active publicly?
In this case, we’re including everything: you acting singular or with another person out in a public place—park, bathroom (hey, another George Michael reference!), alleyway, funeral home—whatever, we’re just spit balling here. Part of the fun is the idea of getting caught—a thrill seeker, voyeuristic thrill that adds to the urgency and the passion.
Have you ever said “I love you” just to get laid?
There’s the old cliché that men will say anything to get some and women will drop trou if you pop out that three-word sentence. However, stereotypes do keep a foot in reality, so have you done it yourself? Have you in a desperate yet predatory moment actually stooped so low as to demean yourself and your partner by using a cliché?
Have you ever kissed after foreplay?
Some people may not go for this. Whether the act is completed or not, they may not like the idea of potentially mixing certain flavors around. Some, on the other hand, see it as a sign of intimacy or fun. Take your pick. But, then, that’s not the question. So, have you, or not?
Have you ever had an STI?
It is nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something to learn from if you have had one. Maybe you never had a health class or maybe you were just distracted by all the ways you could apply your knowledge with the cute guy or girl in the back.
Have you ever “gone for bronze in Athens”?
There’s a song about this—"Knockin' At Your Back Door" by Deep Purple. We're sightly more subtle. There are other euphemisms, but they get more colorful from here. We’ll use this as a catch-all term for activities in the area. Like a lot of acts, this one has become more popular in recent years as information about it is more readily available.
Do you have naughty videos bookmarked?
You can admit it. Pretty much everybody watches porn. As Doctor Cox says in Scrubs, "I'm fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called Bring back the porn!" So, be honest. Have you ever actually bookmarked one of those bad boys?
Do you tend to go out of your sexual comfort zone?
We don’t mean some cutesy, vanilla furry handcuffs thing. We mean some dungeon stuff. Real kink. Leather. Boots. Twine. Pain. The kind of stuff Pinhead loved to talk about. Have you ever encountered someone like that? Clad in leather with an interest in pain. Someone who is “a demon to some and an angel to others?” Not to be too personal, but throw us her number if you do.
Have you ever had an allergic reaction to latex or lubricants?
Not as deadly as a peanut allergy, but substantially more embarrassing to deal with, if you have to go to a doctor—or worse, your parents—if you find out you’re allergic to one of these accouterments. On the plus side, if it’s the latex, you can start a conversation about not using condoms at all. They really are the ultimate buzzkill.
Do you know your own taste?
Whether you tried it yourself or maybe in some playing around with your partner, some people know what their taste is. You could make the excuse that it’s educational, a curiosity, or as way of figuring out if pineapple should be added to your diet. Do as thou wilt, as Aleister Crowley used to say.
Have you ever been caught?
That’s right, at the worst possible second, that door just opens. Your shaving style is out there for the world and there’s no doubt what you were in the middle of. Depending on who it is and what the situation is, this can end in laughter or horror, but if you’re very lucky, you’ll be able to change your answer to the group question.
