We had a bad dream about a month ago, and it was so unsettling that we're still shook to the very core, to this very day. The world was in chaos, utter, complete turmoil—even more than it is now, and even more than it has ever been. Want to know why everything had been plunged into madness? Because. There was NO pizza.
Yes, that's right. No pizza. None. It was like pizza prohibition, only worse than that because people weren't running around saying codewords, sneaking into speakeasies to eat bootleg Domino's, there was zero pizza available to eat, legally or otherwise. And when we found that out, it was at this point that dream us began high-pitched screaming—which, really, is the only appropriate response to learning that pizza is over.
Long story short, we woke up in a cold sweat, and we've been eating pizza for dinner every night since then to soothe ourselves, to remind ourselves that it was all just a no good dream and, hopefully, to keep similar dreams from popping up in our psyche once we go to bed. But, anyway, speaking of pizza, let's talk toppings. Which ones are good? Which ones are bad? Take a moment to decide, and get a famous Chris!
Pepperoni may not be your favorite, and that's cool, but you can't deny that it's a classic. Pepperoni has been topping pizza since the dawn of pizza creation, and they go together like PB and J, like Oreo cookies and Oreo icing, like cereal and milk. What we're saying is that we think these two belong together, but not everyone would agree.
Figs are perfect for newtons, but are they just as perfect for pizza? Only you can be the judge of that. However, we think a few slices of fig with a sprinkling of feta cheese, maybe some fennel for a fancy herbal flavor, this topping could be a real winner. It's worth considering.
Pizza is so spectacular, we don't think we need to sing its praises. We're obviously all on the same page about its deliciousness because, after all, we're all here. But when you put sausage on a pizza, it becomes more substantial. It's not just a snack anymore, it's a meal. It'll keep you fuller longer, but some people? Well, they don't like sausage. How do you feel regarding this pressing matter?
Sun Dried Tomatoes
Now, now, we know what you're thinking. "Sun dried tomatoes don't count as a pizza topping because tomatoes are already on pizza!" And you have a point, but we're calling this a topping because we want to. This isn't up for debate. What is up for debate is whether or not you would want this on your next slice of pizza pie.
We love bell peppers, the only problem is that bell peppers don't love us back. We so much as look at a slice of one of those festively colored things and they start to repeat on us. We eat a bell pepper, and we still get the flavor in our mouth for the rest of the week. Should it go on pizza? You decide.
Apple pie has got it goin' on, nobody's saying it doesn't. But, what if we took those very same apples and, instead of shoving them in a dessert, place them on top of a pizza before sticking that sucker in the oven? Huh, huh? Could be good, apples are crunchy and tangy, and paired with some cheese and tomato sauce, we think that sounds like a winner.
Hmph. Kale, huh? Yeah, we're not big fans of kale, probably because we prefer *good* food. Then again, we would eat a pair of old shoes if they happened to be on a pizza, so we can't say no to this pizza topping outright. Look, we'll just leave this decision in your hands.
Eating shrimp makes us feel so fancy. Eating pizza makes us feel so...well, not fancy, but not exactly slobbish, either, it just makes us feel, well, good. So topping pizza with shrimp seems kind of confusing. Should we feel elegant and refined, or relaxed and like we're about to binge-watch the latest Netflix series? It's hard to tell. Either way, we're down with this topping. What say you?
Boy, this stuff really lives up to its name! Our friend, Arty, came to a shindig we threw for a friend once and he tried some of the artichoke dip we set on the snack table, and a piece of it immediately got lodged in his throat. We had to perform the Heimlich maneuver, and if we hadn't acted so fast, he'd'a been a goner. Anyway, does artichoke belong on pizza? You decide.
Probably the most divisive pizza topping of our day, pineapple is a delicious fruit, there's no bone about it, but some people can't stand the thought of sticking it on a pizza pie. This tropical fruit is all juicy and sweet, but does it pair well with the savory, cheesy, bready experience that is pizza? Should pineapple come anywhere near that tidal wave of tomato sauce? Your call.
Spinach? Yeah, we used to eat spinach, but we stopped when we bought five pounds, sautéed it in some olive oil and it shrunk down to two leaves. Does it belong on pizza? Well, now, that's up for debate, but we will say this for it, if you put spinach on your pizza, at least it'll get stuck in your teeth, so there's that.
Strawberry shortcake is nice, and strawberry pie is pretty amazeballs, too, especially when you toss a little rhubarb in there with it. Strawberry also makes a scrumptious jam, just perfect for spreading on scones and toast. But what if we told you you could put strawberries on pizza? How would you feel about that? Because, if you're like us, you would feel uncomfortable about it, but we don't want to tell you how to think.
That pizza tasting pretty blah? Then why not add some plate of egg? That's right, some eggplant. It may be a plant, but it's definitely not egg-like in any way, not even in shape, but don't let that keep you from slicing some up and adding it to your next homemade 'za!
Barbecue chicken can be a meal all by itself. Pizza, too, can be a meal all by itself. But when you bring the two meals together, they unleash a whole new level of yum that we just can't pass up. Now, as always, it's up to you to determine if this is a good topping or not, so no pressure.
If you love pears and you love pizza, then you are gonna go gaga over pears on pizza! Or, maybe you won't, heck, we don't know. But this could be good, you know? Tender pears baked to perfection, all juicy and sweet, nestled in a sea of cheesy goodness? Hmm. Well, now, that don't sound half bad to us.
Aww, yeaaaahhh. Now *this* is what we're talking about. Look, we have no problems with regular onions, but there's just something extra special about caramelized onions. It's like the difference between cubic zirconium and real diamonds. Sure, they both look sorta the same, but you can tell quality when you see it.
Mmm! We love it when our pizza has fungus. Now that's good eatin'! Just kidding, but seriously, we love mushrooms. They don't really have flavor, except for a subtle savory-ness. They're kinda chewy, unless they're dry, in which case it's like gnawing on little pieces of leather. In conclusion, sure, put it on pizza. What do we care? It's up to you, man. We don't know.
Ever eat a slice of pizza and wish you could be drinking a martini at the same time? We have too, and that's why we now only eat our pizzas with martinis. However, if you find that's not an option for you—maybe you're at work and it *isn't* "five o'clock somewhere", so you can't begin happy hour—olives are always there for you to make you feel like James Bond when you're chowing down on your Digiorno.
For everyone who thinks pizza should be a spicy, zesty experience jalapeños as a topping should come as a welcome surprise. Well, maybe not a surprise, but it should still be exciting. We can't wait to stick these peppers on our next order from Pizza Hut! We love to have our mouth set on fire so we can't taste anything at all. It's great!
Corn isn't just for on the cob anymore, people. Corn has got potential rushin' a-rushin' around—at least, that's what somebody told us. We're about ready to open up a can of this yellow stuff and toss it on our next Domino's delivery because, hey? Why not? What's stopping us? That's right, nothing! So bring on the corn 'za! We've got nothing left to lose.
You've heard of bacon on pizza, but how's about we put another breakfast item on top of our beloved pies? No, no, not pancakes or waffles! That would be ridiculous...ly delicious. Actually, now that we say it, that doesn't sound too bad. But, anyway, we're not talking pancakes and waffles, we're talking fried eggs. Do they belong on pizza or nah?
Bananas are good for so many things. Muffins, breads and sundaes. But there are some things bananas have no business being in, and pizza is one of them. Now, some people—we'll call them weirdos—would beg to disagree with that statement. But our opinion and other's opinion isn't what matters right now. All that matters is what you think. So, what *do* you think?
Lobster as a pizza topping. Man, we are so conflicted right now, because we love both of these things, but they are poles apart. Lobster? It's the height of luxury! That's what you eat when you get a promotion. Pizza, on the other hand, is the epitome of informality. Pizza's nothing if not casual, and don't get us wrong, that's why we love it. We're just on the fence with this flavor combo, that's all.
Avocado. Should it remain for guacamole only? Or should we allow those little ridged pears to infiltrate our pizzas? It's up to you, of course, but we will say this. By putting avocado slices on top of pizza, we are *this* close to having a pizza/taco hybrid, and that makes our heart sing.
A long time ago, back when we were, oh, we don't know, four? Asparagus was the vegetable we left on our plate. It was the one thing we refused to eat at dinner, but our parents would make us sit at the table until we finished three bites. Ah, memories. Anyway, nowadays, asparagus is the vegetable we stick on our pizza to convince ourselves we're eating healthy even though we know, deep down, we're really not.
We overheard someone at a party say that Pop-Tarts are raviolis, and when we thought about it, we realized they weren't incorrect, and we haven't been the same since. However, that's neither here nor there. The real question is, do you think ravioli—the bonafide pasta filled with meat and cheese stuff—belongs on pizza? 'Cause we're giving this a heck yeah!
And to think, all this time we've been using zucchini to substitute actual pasta noodles while we were trying to low carb it up in this place, but little did we know that this green veggie makes for a tasty pizza topping! Boy, do we feel silly! And hungry. Pass us a slice of this zucchini pizza, will you please?
Say, listen, if you ever get sick of putting peaches in sweet tea, cobblers, ice cream and literally *anything else*, you could always slice up a couple of them and stick them on a pizza. Who knows? Could be good! Or, it could be as unappetizing as it sounds. We'll leave it to you to decide.
Cheese on pizza. Does that even qualify as a topping at all, since pretty much all pizza has cheese on it already? Well, in this case, we're saying yeah, because this is additional cheese on top of the preexisting cheese, and that technically makes it topping. Plus, hey, it's mozzarella! Who doesn't love that stuff, eh?
Bacon makes everything better. It just does. Baked potatoes, breakfasts of all sorts, macaroni and cheese—literally any dish can be improved with a little bit of bacon, so why would it be any different with pizza? But, then again, not everyone likes bacon...we don't *get* those people, but that's, uh...that's fine if they want to feel that way. We guess.
Ah, 'member when we all thought pineapple pizza was the biggest threat to our food-loving society? What a simpler time that was. Actually, maybe we're being too hard on peas pizza. Maybe we think it's icky because we haven't given it a chance. It could be that this is better than we imagine, we just need to give it a shot before we knock it. What say you?
The last thing we want to do is influence anybody's opinion on anything, but can we just chime in here? Fish is blech, that's all we've got to say. But, hey, we get that not everybody feels the way we do on the subject, so you guys be the judge here. Are sardines A-OK, or are they a major avoid?
Macaroni and Cheese
We love macaroni and cheese and we love pizza. So, in other words, we are completely sane human beings. But mixing these two classic comfort foods together? We're not actually sure that's such a good idea. We mean, if we saw one of these pies at a party, we would totally try a slice (or twelve), but we don't know if we would actively seek a mac and cheese pizza out, y'know? Anyway, what do you think?
Putting broccoli on pizza is such a power move. It says, "Yes! I am taking back control of my health! By decking out my pizza with these miniature green trees, I am negating the calories of the pizza itself, so it's like I'm not eating anything! Heck, it's like I'm eating negative calories at this point." So, really, not only is broccoli on pizza delicious, it's like running a marathon.
You could put blueberries in some delicious muffins for a delightful Sunday brunch, or you could put them in some pancake batter for some of the best flapjacks you've ever had in your life. You could boil 'em up and put 'em in a cobbler or a pie, for goodness' sake! There's literally no limit to what blueberries can do. Why, they can even be a delectable pizza topping! Amazing!
If pizza doesn't have enough carbs to suit your fancy, you could always top it with some potatoes, you know! Whether you slice them or cut them up into chunks or boil them and make mashed potatoes out of them beforehand is completely up to you. Heck, this includes tater tots and fries, too. Do you think potatoes on pizza is a good decision? Dang, we sure do.
Oh, boy, we've done seen it all, now. Canned tuna on a pizza? Wow, has humankind gone too far, or what? we don't know about you, but we do know about us, and from where we're standing putting canned tuna—canned, not even fresh—on a pizza is the one and only way to turn a slice down.
Snappy and sour, we can't resist a good pickle. They're just such a great topping in their own right. Pickles can take a boring sandwich and make it pop. They can turn a drab burger into a fab burger, just like that. But do pickles make a pizza better than it might be without them? It's up to you.
They say it's impossible to eat just one potato chip, and while we can't say for certain whether that's 100-percent true, we will tell you that it is definitely applicable to us. We have no sense of proportion where chips are concerned, and if we'd thought of putting them on top of our pizza sooner, we'd've been all over this topping from the get-go.
Crunchy and ever so slightly sweet, walnuts are perfect for baked goods. Put some walnuts in a banana muffin, and, wowza. It takes an already delicious treat to a whole new plane of delight, we definitely recommend it. The question is, though, do walnuts belong on pizza? Some would say heck yes, but others would say heck no. Where do you stand?