Parks And Rec Fans! Did Ron Swanson Say This Or Did We Make It Up?
- by Renée Millette
- – on
- in Movies and TV
For Parks and Rec fans, the character of Ron Swanson is one of the most beloved out of the cast of equally great characters. He is the director of the parks and recreation department of the town of Pawnee, and takes great joy in not doing his job at all. He loves nature, making furniture out of wood, meat, and silence. He is mysterious and acts like he doesn’t care about the people around him, but it’s more or less a front. He’s got a tough exterior but down in his center, he’s as soft as a teddy bear.
Over the years, we have all watched the town of Pawnee go on some crazy and hilarious adventures. We’ve also gotten quite a nice dose of classic Ron Swanson wisdom. Some of the things he says may not be very practical, or are just silly, but other times he is able to tell the truth in a very entertaining way.
Go through this quiz to see which of these quotes were genuine Ron Swanson sayings, and which ones were accurate, but just made up. True Ron fans will know all of his classic quotes, but it may be harder to determine which of these hilarious quotes were made up by us!
“I’m not interested in caring about other people.”
Ron Swanson does not like to waste his time on anything, may that be on work or anything else. He especially has no time to bother with caring about other people—and maybe he’s right. It seems a bit unusual to say it so bluntly like that but let’s be honest: most of us don’t care that much about other people. We can’t all be Leslie Knope, after all. For some reason, the rest of us are spending a lot of effort to pretend to care about everyone else in the world but maybe we should just take a page from the book of Swanson.
“There is never an acceptable occasion to put vegetables on a burger.”
While burgers are mostly a giant slab of meat on a bun, people have been trying to spice things up by adding other ingredients—mostly vegetables like lettuce, avocado, onions, even pickles can be thought of as a vegetable. To someone like Ron, who is a beef purist, adding all those extra things on a burger is just a waste. All you need is the meat, and maybe some cheese, and possibly more meat. Anything else can just be considered a vegetable-riddled sandwich.
“Sparkling water is unnecessary. Either be soda or be nothing.”
In this decade, we as a society have made drinking flavored sparkling water a thing that not just wealthy people do, but that everyday folk like us also do. It’s arguably not that great taste-wise but some people out there like to pretend that they like drinking concepts of fruit flavor. Ron Swanson is not about that life, though. Sparkling water is pretending to be soda while also being flavorless like water. It has probably been a very long time since Ron has consumed water, something that he thinks is pointless since it tastes like nothing.
“Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.”
Some people are cat people, some people are dog people, and others are specifically big dog people. Personally, all dogs are pretty great but others have their preferences on which dogs they like. Big dogs are definitely awesome—they’re strong, playful, and also very cute. Little dogs have the same quality, but their small size may be a little off-putting. Cats are also pretty cool, though they don’t have that playful attitude and pure loyalty that canines have to offer, which is no good for someone like Ron.
“I do not care for birthdays. Nobody in this office knows when my birthday is because that is personal information. In fact, I to ensure that no one knows it, I too have forgotten the date of my birth.”
Unlike his friend and colleague, Leslie, Ron dislikes celebrating things, especially birthdays. For him, birthdays are pointless. He also lives a very secret life and is not about accidentally giving out too much of his personal information. After all, he has all of his money in gold buried under a tree somewhere and he has no idea how much money he actually has—it wouldn’t be too strange for him to not remember things like his own birthday for the same kind of reason.
“History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.”
Ron is an educated man, but he doesn’t want to learn about things that aren’t important to him—like the rest of the world. To Ron, the country he resides in is the only one that matters in the grand scheme of things. Sure, this place may have been important for the history of the world for about 250 years, but there’s a lot more to human history than the past 250 years. The English language as we know it is way longer than that—not to mention math, science, and literally everything else.
“There’s only one thing I dislike more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”
There may be some things that make Ron frustrating to work with, but he truly is a man of his word and stays true to his principles. Sure, some of those principles may be difficult to deal with sometimes, especially when one wants to get something done, but there are others that make Ron Swanson the good man that he is. If anything, he is always honest and true to his word. He also doesn’t like foods that are not pure animal product, and skim milk is definitely an animal product in a lackluster mask.
“Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”
As it turns out, Ron may agree with the phrase, “Fish are friends, not food.” He may not particularly care about the well-being of the fish, but he is very clear that fish is not an acceptable food. Ron is practically a carnivore, which means that there is no room to eat vegetables or even lesser meats. Considering that he regards fish as vegetables, he probably also has a tired relationship to chicken and other white meats, the lesser foods.
“I do not like fancy cheeses. The only acceptable cheese are ones that are bright orange and come from a nacho cheese dispenser or a can.”
Cheese is good, there’s no denying it, but only certain kinds of cheeses are worth consuming in the eyes of Ron Swanson. There are some fine cheeses that come from this fine land, like cheddar and Kraft singles—anything fancier than that is definitely from Europe, and we all know what he thinks about Europe. If it has a funny French name to it or smells too stinky, there’s no way that Ron will be about that life. Even Swiss cheese is suspicious, what are those holes hiding?
“I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian has passed.”
Li’l Sebastian was the crown jewel of Pawnee until his tragic passing. He was beloved by everyone, and maybe especially loved by Ron Swanson. It’s obvious that Ron is capable of tears and other human emotions, though he doesn’t show his emotions openly. Li’l Sebastian is one of the few things in this world important enough to him that he is able to show a vulnerable side of him through his tears. That little horse was really something, a treasure to this small town.
“I only care about the two main food groups: breakfast and steak.”
The food pyramid that we know, with grains, dairy, protein, vegetables, and fruits, is not the one that Ron Swanson likes to follow by. If it were his way, the only reason why vegetables would still exist is to feed the animals that humans eat and really nothing more. Is it sustainable? Probably not for those who don’t have Swanson in them. Then again, there is that new fad of eating only meat and salt that some people are doing so it may not be as crazy as we think. Is it at least delicious? Yes.
“I love riddles!”
There aren’t many things that gets Ron Swanson visibly excited, so when he does show enthusiasm you know that this is the real deal. He’s not one to hide his emotions about anything—for most things in life he just doesn’t have a particular emotion about it one way or the other. Riddles, though, those are exciting for him. To be fair, riddles are a pretty pure source of fun and enjoyment. That is, if they’re good. There are some pretty bad riddles out there, but those aren’t the ones he’s talking about.
“People who ride bicycles are wasting their time.”
Everyone needs to get from place to place, and unless you live in a giant city, walking may not be possible. Pawnee is conveniently mapped out to be one of the most accessible towns in all of southern Indiana—even the entire country. For a small town without public transit, there are clubs and it doesn’t take fifteen minutes by car to go to the local supermarket. People could probably manage to bike their way around town with no problem. That being said, biking is a total waste of time and energy when you could just be driving. Or just not going anywhere at all.
“Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”
Crying, in the eyes of Ron, is not a manly activity and should not be done for no reason. But even someone as tough as him is able to admit that there is a time and a place that crying can and should be done. Losing a loved one is very difficult and crying is pretty much a mandatory thing to do. Nature is also quite beautiful and sometimes the beauty of the world can drive a man to tears. It’s not that crying is bad, it’s just that for Ron, it should be something one does for particularly important things.
“Anyone who does not know how to change a tire should not own a car and instead walk and be ashamed of themselves.”
Ron Swanson is all about self-sustainability. He believes that everyone should learn to at least fix simple things in the home and in vehicles. He’s probably right, but the majority of us don’t know how to do these things. Sure, most of us learned how to change a tire in drivers ed classes, but those were so long ago that we were bound to forget these crucial life skills. A flat tire could happen anywhere, and to anyone—you need to be prepared to take care of these kinds of issues on your own.
“The best part about my job is not doing my job.”
How Ron got his job as director of the parks and recreation department is beyond any of us, but he’s there and he’s doing exactly the opposite of what he should be doing. He definitely does not like his job, but he’s still there, trying to dismantle the institution from within. He’s living his best life, and many of us wish that we could be paid as well to be that ineffective at our jobs. There are Leslies out there that love working even while off the clock, but those people are strange and can’t be trusted.
“I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.”
One of the things that sets Ron apart from everyone else is that he is extremely self-sufficient. He probably taught his mother how to talk and walk because he doesn’t like to take help from anyone. This is especially true when it comes to home improvement—if you can’t redo an entire kitchen yourself, you probably shouldn’t bother owning a home in the first place. Hiring other people to do work on your property is a total waste of time and money, according to Ron.
“I’m a simple man. I like pretty, blonde-haired women and breakfast food.”
Ron has made it clear to all of us that he’s not one for flair. The things that he enjoys in life are not many, but they are fairly simple, like breakfast food. Who doesn’t like breakfast food? It’s buttery, greasy, and just generally very tasty. He isn’t picky with his breakfast food or with women. He likes what he likes and he’s not too picky about it. Just as long as he can avoid anyone else named Tammy in his life, he will probably be just fine.
“My fondest memories always include me, by myself, not talking to anyone.”
Ron is someone who knows how to have a good time by himself. In fact, most of the time he enjoys solitude over spending time with company. Talking to people requires a lot of energy, and that’s not something that Ron would like to waste on other people. He likes solitude, steak, breakfast, woodworking, and nature, and that’s really all he needs to live a happy and fulfilling life. Maybe we should take a page out of his book and relish the memories that we have with ourselves as well as with other people.
“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
To someone like Ron, work is a place that you go to every day, clock in for a few hours, talk to nobody, don’t actually do any work, and then go home to build chairs and eat steaks and whatever else Ron Swanson likes to do. Some people like to spend their free time thinking about work, and they love the connections they make with their work friends—but Ron would pretty much like to do anything else than conversing with his coworkers when he doesn’t need to.
“There is only one thing I dislike more than the government, and that is Europe.”
How Ron ever landed his job at the Pawnee Parks and Rec department is kind of amazing considering the fact that every interest of his is exactly the opposite of what you would want as an employee working for local government. Maybe back when he first started, he was the only person who bothered applying for the position, which inevitably landed him a cozy job where he is paid to do nothing at all with apparently zero consequences and end up with a corner office years later.
“I do not understand the young kids and their handheld rectangles.”
Ron is like most older people living in the Midwest—he’s not the most in tune with technology. Why would he be? He isn’t one for change on most things, and it’s debatable that he even bothers with having a television in his home, let alone a computer and other smart devices. Ron is like the classic dad that is still walking around with a flip phone because, “It works just fine and hasn’t broken yet.” A phone is meant for calling people, and anything else is just a big distraction.
“When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”
We all love Ron Swanson as a character, but if he were someone that existed in real life, he might not be as beloved as he is. For television’s sake, it’s funny to see a boss not care about his employees (at least on the surface) and call them by the wrong name for some kind of power move, but in real life that would probably feel pretty bad. We all know that this hard exterior is really just a ruse, but at first it still might hurt a bit to be ignored like that.
“There is not a person in the world that could ever bring me as much joy as eating an entire plate of bacon does.”
It’s not a secret that Ron Swanson loves eating meat. It’s one of his favorite pastimes. It’s also not a secret that he’s not too fond of other people. Sure, he’s got a few friends but he’s reluctant at best at keeping in touch with even his closest friends. He’s not one who enjoys the company of other people, but he is definitely a man who loves the company of bacon, and steak, and eggs. Bacon, for one, does not talk back.
“There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.”
When it comes to looks, Ron knows what he wants. Unlike other people, his look has stayed the same for pretty much the entirety of his life. We don’t have photographic evidence of how he looked like as a child, but it wouldn’t be surprising to see a young Ron with a full mustache and the same haircut. The look works for him, after all, so why bother changing it? This haircut is the most efficient look, and Ron is all about efficiency.
“When I eat, it is the food that is scared.”
It’s true—Ron Swanson is a pretty intimidating guy. We now know him as this very huggable man full of wisdom, but there is still a rough exterior to him that’s not just for show. He is a carnivore, as much as a human can be while still being able to live. There are very few things he chooses to eat that haven’t breathed at one point or the other. While the meat has already been cut and processed by the time Ron gets to eat it, being a Swanson’s meal feels like being hunted prey once more.
“Ice cream that has fruit in it is no longer ice cream, it’s practically a salad.”
Ron is all about the finer things in life, which means quality beverages, fine cuts of beef, and good desserts. Unfortunately, there are quite a few dessert foods that include things other than chocolate and dairy, like fruits and even sometimes carrots. Those kinds of fruity desserts are unacceptable in his book. If there’s a piece of something healthy in his ice cream, it might as well just be frozen yogurt, the celery of desserts. There is no room for fresh produce in this man’s daily food intake.
“Yes, I am stuffing this meat with more meat because this is a free country and I am allowed to do what I want.”
Thanksgiving is a time where we all sit around the table, tell each other what we’re thankful for, and pretend that we think turkey tastes good. This is also the time of year where people think it’s a good idea to keep stuffing smaller birds into a giant bird to cook it all up in some giant meat monstrosity. Just because it’s possible to make a meat-ception doesn’t mean that one should do it. That won’t stop Ron from doing it, though.
“There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food.”
This is probably one of the truest statements to ever exist. There’s something about breakfast food that is so comforting and delicious that it’s bound to make anyone feel better if they were feeling down. There are so many different kinds of breakfasts to choose from: you can go sweet or savory, get toast, pancakes, eggs, and many different kinds of potatoes. Breakfast food is simple, but also extremely delicious and satisfying. It’s like being a kid and eating Mom’s breakfast on a Saturday morning.
“The best way to help someone through a difficult time is to pretend that they don’t exist, like I normally do.”
He’s technically not wrong on this one, though it does sound a bit harsh coming from his mouth. If someone’s going through an especially difficult time, it’s good to act like nothing has changed between you and the other person, to treat them like you would when they’re going through a good time. Since Ron usually ignores people, ignoring them is the best way to help them get over whatever they need to get over. Tough love is sometimes the best love.
“Don’t waste energy moving unless necessary.”
This piece of Ron Swanson wisdom probably resonates well with the majority of us. There are some people who like to constantly stay in motion and exercise and better their health, but those people are frankly monsters. It’s much more sensical to live the Swanson way, which is to sit in one place and think about things and eat hamburgers and actually enjoy life. Ron may not be correct about everything, but he’s sure to be correct about this little piece of advice.
“Woodworking is the only art form that matters. Everything else is meaningless and museums are just an expensive storehouse for garbage.”
Just like how Ron was unimpressed with Big Ben in London, he’s unimpressed with most things that are regarded by society as high art. Who is to say that something is good, anyways? There are some pieces of art that are really beautiful but there are others that seem a little far-fetched. There’s a urinal that has a year written on it in Sharpie hanging out at a museum in Paris, for crying out loud. That kind of art is debatable at best.
(About turkey calls) “Is this not rap?”
It’s no secret that Ron is not one to get with the times, especially with all the weird stuff that kids these days are getting into. To Ron, music probably stopped at rock n’ roll and the smooth saxophone sounds of Kenny G. He knows that rap is what the kids are into nowadays but hasn’t been too keen on looking into what it is on his own. Honestly, with how some rap sounds, they might as well just be turkey calls with a beat behind it since nobody can understand what they’re saying ever.
“Friends: one to three is sufficient.”
We are all social creatures, and even the least social of us want to have at least a few friends to talk to. Some people think that having a ton of friends is the way to go, but that’s not what Ron believes. He’s not a total loner, but he definitely doesn’t waste time in people he doesn’t genuinely care about. It’s a pretty good motto, and it’s fairly realistic. You can’t care about everyone in the world, but having one to three genuine connections is really all anyone needs.
“To be a man, one must be a Swanson.”
There’s no denying it—Ron Swanson is one of the manliest men to ever exist in this century. He may actually just be a fictional character played by Nick Offerman but he is still one of the best role models that anyone can have. He lives authentically, and doesn’t waste time doing things he doesn’t enjoy. To Ron, it’s not how much someone can bench press, or even how much meat that they can eat that determines who they are. They have to have it in their soul, and boy do Swansons have it.