Only A True Country Fan Can Name All Of These Country Singers
- by Edward Cambro
- – on
- in Entertainment
The South will never come again, but we wouldn’t mind if country music did. Now, obviously, this quiz is all about country music. It has a long history in this country—quite frankly longer than any other genre in America. Its themes of poverty, race, alcoholism, addiction, history and heartbreak have never been matched—except, perhaps, for the punk rock of Johnny Ramone, the Adolescents, Michale Graves or the political hip hop of Public Enemy. (That’s right, liking country music doesn’t automatically make you an inbred racist or someone who cannot appreciate another other type of music).
Anyway, the point is: country music is part of the American tapestry, and it has been around since before we had the ability to accurately record said music. That said, with this quiz, we’re going to test how well you know country music; that means, depending on the era in which you were born, either a lot of modern or antediluvian artists who have contributed to the genre. You’ll get the familiar faces you grew up with along with the faces pasted in the monochrome of history. Sorry, but that’s the way history works, and that’s the way music works. It never ends. Just like Adrian Veidt said (more or less).
One of the few American Idol alumni with an actual career
Unless we’re counting From Justin to Kelly as a success. But, you know, we’re not. With her strong voice and positive press, she’s one of the few singers out there who doesn’t seem to put on airs. She doesn’t seem to play a character, nor does she seem like an absolute horror to work with. By all accounts, she’s quiet and pleasant. Sure, she’s a southern girl so there’s going to be some grit under those fingers—if “Before he Cheats” is an indication, she’s probably capable of real damage.
We can’t make fun of his mugshot anymore
It should always be about the music, but it can be very difficult to separate the art from the artist sometimes. He’s an incredibly talented country singer—responsible for a great deal of its modern success—but recent years have made the man bigger than the music. First was the drunk driving arrests and antisocial behavior. Unfortunately, even though he cleaned up, most recently this singer has been dealing with the effects of a stroke. The likelihood of him releasing another album is unlikely, and we hope his legacy will focus more on his body of work than his personal life.
That song nestles in your skull and never leaves
“I just don’t think you’d understand.” It’s an innocuous, unsuspecting line. But you read that line in the rhythm of the song, didn’t you? Like an earworm, it just gets into your head and doesn’t leave. Well, it may have been someone else who wrote “White Trash with Money,” sometimes you can’t help but see something as inevitable. Easy as it is to make fun of him, his songs are great to line dance to. And if you don’t like line dancing, understand that it turned a communist into a capitalist—just look at the “Dead Hand” episode of The Americans.
The Token Libs
These girls are token liberals in the one area of media that is flooded with conservatives. They wear their politics on their sleeves, and they’re still a giant hit within country music. That’s how good they are. That’s how talented they are. While you don’t have to agree with everything they say (and it is admittedly hard to separate art from artist no matter where you land on the political spectrum these days), you have to admit that their contributions to country music have only helped the genre.
Crazy ex-girlfriend (not the show)
She has a voice like Tammy Wynette, and that’s about as great a compliment as you can give to someone. When you have choreographed stage shows and elaborate music videos, it’s easy to overlook the actual singing going on. Give her music and actual listen and you’ll hear the raw emotion behind it. And, of course, forget about the Blake Shelton stuff already. We’re all confused how he managed to get both her and Gwen Stefani, but life is a mystery that way.
The face of modern country
Early on in his career, this singer became a member of the Grand Ole Opry—country music’s highest honor. In 2009, this singer set a record with the most consecutive singles reaching #1 on the Billboard Country Airplay chart. That same year, he performed at the White House, and produced a single with LL Cool J called “Accidental Racist.” It proved to be a crossover hit, though it has since been long forgotten. Maybe it’s a sign I’m getting old, but I just don’t understand his appeal. I know he has talent, I acknowledge that, but I just don’t get it.
Now we’re talking
I listen to “Buddy” when I’m feeling down. I listen to “Pancho and Lefty” when I read about American history. And I listen to “Whiskey River” when I’m drunk and feeling nostalgic. He has a song for most any mood, so I can’t help but find it a little sad that his (admittedly necessary) marijuana advocacy has made him something of an internet meme. And, for the last time, no, “It’s all Going to Pot” is not about what you think it’s about.
His music is much better than his sense of fashion
“Friends in Low Places” notwithstanding, of course. He’s certainly more honky-tonk than most of the modern country acts touring these days; it’s not a sound you here much anymore—at least not in the stuff that crosses over or even gets much play on CMT. That said, without his Queen-inspired theatricality and stage shows, modern country would have the showmanship that has allowed its modern stars to get some media attention or expose potential new fans to their brand. Whether the new crowd knows it or not, they’re fans of this singer.
Yes, she had a career before that television show
At this point, you can even call her merely by her first name; she’s country music’s answer to Cher or Oprah. That’s how identifiable she is—she’s a name brand as much as she is a person. Even those put off by country music can identify a song of hers on the radio or her face on their TV screen (personally, I liked her in Tremors). She’s also the first woman to play Colonel Sanders in those increasingly bizarre KFC commercials.
Like uncooked chicken in saran wrap
It really says something about Disney that this is what you do with your freedom once you leave it. While her music has been a special brand of hideous pop, when she actually sings rather than relies on autotuned and nods back to her country routes, you are reminded of the plentiful talent she has and why it was nurtured in the first place. Well, other than because her parents’ eyes turned to dollar signs every time she sang a note as a kid.
Play her music down in west Texas
The downtrodden love their Johnny Cash and they love their Loretta Lynn. Born a coal miner’s daughter and living in poverty, this singer struggled most of her life. Her husband Ollie Doolittle constantly cheated on her, they were mutually abusive. She has outlived most of her siblings and two of her children. She lived hard. From her emotive voice to her topical songs concerning the problems of everyday people, this country music legend has proven that country music is the music of the people.
You know you made it when South Park makes fun of you
Or when homeless garden gnome Ed Sheeran steals one of your songs. We’re kidding, of course; we don’t actually think Sheeran intentionally lifted one of her songs. Our homeless garden gnome analogy stands, however. This singer has remained a top talent for over two decades and has found and maintained mainstream success while not sacrificing her country roots for a sugary, pop sound that goes better with the tween audience. For once, it’s about good talent being appreciated for being talented.
No, he did not sing “The Gambler”
Playing across the country/blues/folk spectrum, this influential singer should have and would have been an unstoppable force in the music industry. Unfortunately, medicine wasn’t particularly great in the 1930s and he died of tuberculosis at the age of 35. However, the slender bluesman packed a lot into his life before then. Exposed to music by gandy dancers and taught to play guitar by hobos, he traveled the country playing his music, and even worked with Louis Armstrong himself. Yes later, Elvis Presley recounted that this man’s work largely influenced his own.
“But who did she vote for?!?”
Her 2015 tour was the highest grossing of the decade. She’s not yet 30. The Pennsylvania native is mostly known for her pop-crossover these days, but she began in country, became popular through country and it’s country that you can still hear in most of her songs—whether it’s the music itself, or in themes of nostalgia or heartbreak. My own first experience with her music was a strange one. Coming home from the airport, my rough-around-the-edges cabbie began singing along to “You Belong with Me.”
He looks like he can do your taxes in between songs
Vince Gill
Ahh, the foul stench of youth
This singer is—by a hair—the youngest person on this list. You may not recognize her at first, as she hasn’t entirely crossed over to a mainstream audience yet, but it’s coming. Her voice has incredible range—able to belt out a song with authoritative soul or just as easily bring it down to a familiar Texas twang. At only 27, she has managed to reach the number 5 place on the Billboard 200 and number 1 on the Country charts.
You better know who this is
Yes, we do sometimes give away some points in these quizzes. It keeps things fun. This is one of those “gimme” questions. With his shirt tucked into his jeans, his ten-gallon hat and his granite jawline, yes, this is definitely your granddad’s country music singer. He’s also the prototype of what you think of when you think of Texas, which is helpful because he actually does come from Texas. He broke Conway Twitty’s record of 40 number one singles with 44 by 2009.
“I'm just your memory. I can't give you any new information.”
The fun thing about language is that sometimes it isn’t what you say, it’s how you say it. This singer was able to take biblical stories and make them personal. He was able to translate situation into emotion. He was able to make a laugh, cry or get you mad. His deep-set voice ranged from baritone authority to achingly sad to slyly humorous. Country music is about the common man, and he had the common touch most of all. Flawed but always striving, he indeed had the common touch.
One of Canada’s finer exports
Of course, they also gave us Justin Bieber and Avril Lavigne, so you have to take the good with the bad. Then again, without Canada there wouldn’t be a William Shatner, and history would be nothing without Captain James T. Kirk. This is all rather confusing. Anyway, look, this singer may have come from the frozen hellscape of Canada, but she’s got pure country molasses in her veins. She’s one of the most financially successes and beloved acts in country music history, and this is even after the seven-year break she took to mend her voice.
He’s the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll
But there’s a lot more to it than that. The King’s song spans multiple genres, making him not only the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, but also a thief of black gospel music someone who took in the many musical influences that the American South had to offer. It is the genre-bending that allows his songs to play on just about any radio platform there is without it feeling shoehorned. And, so help me god, if any of you get this question wrong, I’ll have your membership to the human race revoked.
The guy you confuse the other guy with
Music is used to explore any multitude of themes. No genre has ever done the themes of heartbreak and death better than country, and arguably nobody better explored these themes in country music better than this singer. Take a listen to “Kern River” or “My Favorite Memory” and tell us you didn’t have to take a second and think about the lyrics. Then take a look at “Mama Tried” and “Workin’ Man Blues” and tell us these songs aren’t every bit as relevant today as they were then.
He’s either Mark Twain or your high school music teacher/ Seymour Scagnetti /Frank Burst
Either way, he has about the coolest name out there. He’s a musical polymath—he knows how to play five different instruments—with more associated acts and albums than you can shake your fist at. Oddly, he was only inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame this year, but the acknowledgement is probably just icing on the cake. While certainly not the crossover success as many of the other people on this list, he’s known within country music and is deeply respected.
Ice Cream and Inaugurations
When it comes to the image of a classic country musician, this guy has it. Even though he’s a contemporary singer, everything about him is a throwback. His clothes, his music, even his backstory. He came from nothing. He has a history with the law and with booze. He’s even been shot once. Also, he made a decent ice-cream for The Celebrity Apprentice with Maple Macadamia Mash Up, though I preferred Penn Jillette’s Magic Swirtle. God, I miss both of them.
The Last Outlaw
He was married four times and was pressured by his school’s superintendent to drop out. Yeah, he’s about the last outlaw America’s going to have let alone mythologize. Thankfully, in his music he got to do the mythologizing himself. Saves us the hassle. Looking over his discography you’ll see the standards: songs about fistfights, escaping the law, drugs, booze, women and loss. At a glance, you’d see them all as country music clichés until you realize he was the first if not the best one to cover all these topics.
He wrote for everyone
He started his career in the 50s and peaked in the 70s, though he continued to write songs for practically everyone in country music up until his death. Almost every song was a hit. In his day, he was a major influence on the outlaw country circuit, but let’s focus on something else. He had a stutter. A bad one. However, stutters don’t affect one’s singing. Despite his disadvantages, he went out there and performed in front of people and against the advice of others. And his legion of fans loved him for it.
You’ve heard his songs
Even if you didn’t know it was him, you’ve heard plenty of this musician’s songs in the past. Among the classics are: “By the Time I get to Phoenix,” “Wichita Lineman,” “Galveston,” “Rhinestone Cowboy,” and “Universal Soldier” (unrelated to the Jean-Claude Van Damme masterpiece). Hell, he even got a Golden Globe nomination for his acting debut in True Grit (the original, superior version). He deserves more recognition than he received, and sadly, he passed just last year from Alzheimer’s disease.
If she were 40 years younger and had poor taste in men…
I love this singer. Not only because she does a beautiful cover of “Pancho and Lefty” or because of her deep eyes, soft-smile or soulful voice. It’s that damn “Making Believe” song. Sure, in that live version she’s singing it alongside someone who looks like the lead singer of Nazareth, but that eyesore aside, it’s damn powerful. It’s another heartbreak song, but it’s a killer. The best songs ring of truth; of universal things we’ve all lived, and “Making Believe” is a deeply human song.
The worst haircut of the 1970s
Like a number of singers in this quiz, you’ve heard his songs without realizing who it was singing (he’s sometimes mistaken for James Taylor). You’ve heard the standards: "Take Me Home, Country Roads” (no, it wasn’t The Allman Brothers), "Rocky Mountain High” (no, it wasn’t Willie Nelson) and "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" (no, it wasn’t every Southerner ever). He also wrote the enragingly cheerful “Sunshine on My Shoulders,” so take that as you will.
16% of the world’s botox and plastic come from her
We kid! We kid because we love. More recent years have seen this singer take a step back from music to focus on humanitarian efforts. She has her own literacy programs, AIDS research programs and has helped victims of wildfires, and her own wildlife preserves. Most of the money she makes gets filtered back into these programs and she has magnificent breasts for a woman her age. And what’s better than pouring a highball, lighting a spliff and putting on “In the Good Old Days” before the American dream became an illusion.
The First Lady of Country Music
They say that writers usually have rough backstories—especially great writers. This is a damn good song writer and her backstory is one of the roughest—even by country music standards. She battled substance and spousal abuse from her husbands. She came from poverty and was almost reduced back to it at the height of her popularity by poor management. Her voice aches with an obvious sadness that can bore into your head and touch your soul. She was a heartbreaker in every sense of the word.
Sing like no one is listening and dress like no one has eyes
What’s success without excess? Boring and fake, that’s what. This singer encapsulated what country music success/excess can do. He dressed in a loud, gaudy style that would go on to be perfected by Little Richard, Elvis Presley and Prince. He also sang with "a wailing whiskey-voiced tenor that wrang out every drop of emotion." And we all know—especially when it comes to country music—there’s nothing that whiskey can’t make better. Unfortunately, in his case, the hard-drinking wasn’t just part of the brand, it was his lifestyle as well.
I know this world is killing you
Her contributions to the soundtrack to O Brother, Where Art Thou? basically guaranteed her a spot on this quiz. Okay, she also contributed to the Cold Mountain soundtrack, but the film’s lame and torpid writing wasn’t her fault. While only a moderate success, it was the exposure she received from these movies that brought her widespread attention; because of this, she is also credited with the resurgence in popularity for bluegrass music in America. She, of course, does more than just bluegrass. She ventures into country music and rock quite often and has previously worked with Emmylou Harris and Phish.
Not a glass bird, as it turns out
Like Loretta Lynn, her father was a coal miner. Unfortunately, he passed when she was just four. Hell, she was already a country song before she was a country singer. It’s more than just a coincidence. Loretta Lynn’s is her older sister. She didn’t have the success or tragedies of her sister, but that may be for the best considering the innumerable cautionary tales just on this quiz alone. Her biggest hit was “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue” and “Talking in Your Sleep,” but I always preferred her duet “You and I.”
"Just put on Lucinda, baby, and dance with me."
To my dismay, “Drunken Angel” was not written about me. You work on your reputation and you think somebody finally acknowledges the hard work and sacrifice, but no, like Fredo Corleone, I just keep getting passed over. Anyway, if you want pure, beautiful Americana, listen to her fifth album, Car Wheels on a Gravel Road. Also, please forgive her for using leet speak in titling “2 Kool 2 Be 4-gotten.” It was the 90s. Other than that complaint, the album is a timeless American narrative that is easily accessible but is too smart to devolve into saccharine nostalgia.
No, he isn’t related to Kitty
When you’re RCA’s biggest hit since Elvis, you’re something to be listened to. Like many country singers, he started out in the deep south and in deep poverty. Thankfully, this story has a much happier ending than most songs that start this way, not to mention most lives, and in his prime he arguably did Hank Williams’ “Honkey Tonk Blues” better than Hank Williams. Quick anecdote of badassery: he had a tumor removed from his right vocal chord and can still sing. He even did an unplanned set for the Arkansas Senate one day.