Only A True Alpha Male Can Name 100% Of These Muscle Cars
- by Edward Cambro
- – on
- in Entertainment
Nothing quite says America like the muscle car. Well, there’s always denim, apple pie, freedom, sour mash, boots and the open road—but you need something to drive on that road, don’t you? Might as well ride in style. Well, of course that may mean a luxury car for many of you. And god knows these days, you can get a luxury-muscle car (there are even some on this quiz). But there’s something to be said for the looks you get when driving a true muscle car. And I don’t mean from the neckbeard soy-boys who are galled you aren’t driving a hybrid. I mean the real men. The ones who hear the roar of that engine and see it pass them on the street and feel two things: envy and pride. The kind of envy you feel when you see something you want; the kind of pride you feel when you hear the national anthem or see Wonder Woman put the boots to someone.
That’s the American muscle car. That’s the effect.
Okay, fine. Loath as I am to admit it, there are foreign car companies out there capable of making muscle cars. Sometimes even a decent one. Sometimes. So, we added some. Happy?
Now, are you a real man? Or do you want to drive a Prius?
No, we're not talking about the Daniel Radcliffe play
Muscles cars have a lived-in Americana feel to them. You can say they’re the middle-class sports car. They’re ornate and powerful, but in their heyday, still relatively affordable. This car, released in 2014, is the preeminent high-end muscle car. Unlike middle-class people who suddenly hit it big, this car’s style is neither gaudy or surface. It’s beauty and brains with an engine fit for a jet. As it should be. The only thing this car doesn’t have is a warp drive. Given the six-figure price tag, an FTL and a machine that cooks you bacon better come standard.
Possibly the most beloved car ever made
Frankly, if you get this question wrong, you should have your citizenship revoked. And if you’re in another country, you should have your citizenship revoked there anyway. This car managed to steal the show out from star Steve McQueen in the classic crime film Bullitt, which featured the best chase scene in history—and that’s even including Death Race 2000 and The French Connection. So, yeah, that’s how iconic this car is—it out-cooled Steve McQueen. If you get this question wrong, you have committed a crime.
Baby, is that you?
We’re not sure what the crossover is between car enthusiasts and Supernatural fans. I imagine most hardcore fans could identify this car in the dark, blindfolded and asleep. As for the others, well, take the quiz and prove me wrong. Given the car’s history of getting smashed, beaten and shot, and being repeatedly totaled, we’re just happy that in the Supernatural universe, Baby has a lot of lives and plenty of spare parts lying around. We wouldn’t be surprised if the boys spent most of the money they stole on just keeping her going. Well, on that and Dean’s pies, burgers and beer.
Baby maker
Okay, enough of that depression. Let’s look ahead to the far-off year of 2018. This still-upcoming vehicle is pure speed. I may dislike dive planes more than menthol cigarettes, but it doesn’t take away from how well-built this car is. Remember how I said that there’s a good chance people of a certain time were likely conceived in the backseat of a Camaro? Well, for the next couple of years, even passing by this car may cause a bun in the oven.
Not a particularly large back seat
Enough waxing philosophic on the past. Welcome back to the (relatively) present day. It can sometimes be difficult to tell one car from another; companies borrow, take inspiration, or outright steal designs all the time. It was constant in the 50s and the 70s; it was bad in the 80s. But now, well, we’re not sure if it’s a dearth of ideas or if Frank Miller was right about modern cars looking like electric shavers. Not this car, however. This one has some character. Sure, it has a modern sports car design, but there’s also a great nod to its legacy.
Don't worry, we would've gotten this wrong too
Imagine walking down the road at midnight. You see the lights of this car appear in the distance. Round, lifeless eyes like a doll's eyes. Its prominent hood like a glaring brow. It’s coming toward you like a predator. Are you crapping yourself yet? Actually, don’t answer that. Anyway, the point is, no (modern) car has an intimidation factor like this. Add that to its versatility and resiliency, and you’ll quickly see why it’s favored so highly by city, state and federal law enforcement agencies across the country.
You want a latte with it?
Who says you can’t have luxury and a little testosterone? Sure, the design of this hybrid car has a kind of Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift feel, which is, well, odd. You really wouldn’t expect the mix of a luxury car and a muscle car to come out looking like a Japanese sports car, but life is just full of surprises. That doesn’t mean this car has no class. It’s certain thinner than many cars in the brand and has a more aggressive sleekness to it, but there are nods to its pedigree, and will always make you look twice.
Roomy backseat
If you were born between 1971 and 1992, there’s a good chance you were conceived in the backseat of this car. Well, this car or an El Camino; for spacing reasons, obviously the El Camino would be more optimal. Nobody likes getting back pains, bumping their heads or bruising their legs; though a little bit of pain isn’t so bad. Look, we’re getting off-topic here. Muscle cars have incredible sex appeal, and nothing drops panties quicker than danger. Listen to the growl of this car’s engine and know, at that moment, you can do no wrong.
A car so cool, Clint Eastwood made a movie about it
Okay, we gave it away with that clue, but can you blame us? The theme of the movie was about an America that was getting old and dying off. The car industry. The designs that went with. The people who made it. The culture and the traditions. It makes the case that some traditions are too beautiful to be lost, and this car personifies the theme of tradition and American values. While America is in a transitional state, we damn sure hope cars like these come back into style.
Blue makes things better. Look at the Jolly Ranchers
Is this the car that Michael Knight drove or is it the one Boy George sang about? Or, hell, are we absolutely screwing with you? Is it actually the car from Smokey and the Bandit? That’s a damn fine movie. Not sure if you’ve ever seen it, but love it or hate it, by the time it’s over you’ll want a diablo sandwich and a Dr. Pepper. Of course, you’ll also want hushpuppies with that, but we don’t have time for it. Anyway, the question of “What car is that?” is one that was asked a lot in the 80s. It wasn’t exactly an experimental time. For cars, we mean.
They got my blood, now it's my car!
Yes, this is the Interceptor from Mad Max. No, it’s not the crappy one from Fury Road. It’s the original. The best. Sure, it’s a bit of a spoiler telling you the car’s name, but it’s not like the movie commissioned an original car for the production. The original Mad Max was made on a budget of beer and leather. The Interceptor is a modified version of a Ford made specifically in Australia, and only between the years of 1973 and 1976. Considering it’s most famous for running people down in a post-Apocalyptic movie, it’s ironic that it was made to be a luxury model.
When you’re late to pick up the kids, accept no substitute
Well, you want to feel like a man again, but you’re still a responsible, sensible family man, the German has made a great car for you. From the front, she’s all muscle, but the sedan-style allows seating for four. Perfect for the occasional street race and the Friday-night tradition of eating at Denny’s. But, so help me god, if you spill ketchup on the damn seats. Anyway, you’ll break 60MPH in under four seconds, so you can get home and wash it out pretty quickly.
Hard to believe it's a Kia.
Yeah, we’re spoiling the brand up front. We honestly just needed to share our amazement that the company—known for family friend boxes of mediocre tin—are putting out muscle cars when they can’t even get regular ones right. Sure, some of you sweethearts out there will say that Kia has rebounded and gotten much better over the years. Well, search “Kia Sucks” on Google, and you’ll see contemporary Kia owners across Reddit, Consumer Affairs, YouTube and Kia’s own official message board that nothing has changed. Except now, there’s a muscle car option to let you down more than Chris Carter.
The European Mustang
You aficionados will know this car immediately—if not by sight than by my “European Mustang” hint. Sure, there’s an argument to be made about how European this car really is; it’s a Ford, but it was designed, produced and sold in South Africa. There must be short people there because it looks like it could comfortably fit half a person, but hey, whatever works. Developed by Basil Green Motors, the now-defunct South African manufacturer specialized in fast cars with attitude, even if they weren’t entirely aesthetically pleasing.
Was that the one in GTA or Far Cry?
God knows it has a surplus of variations on this model. Not a complaint—just goes to confirm how influential and popular the series of cars have been for decades now. This variant comes from Australia where it won that country’s Wheels Car of the Year in 1971. The model quite popular and was often exported to New Zealand. Unfortunately, as interest in this design of muscle cars faded, so did production numbers, and the model didn’t travel far beyond Australia and New Zealand.
A muscle car built for a Bond
Journalist and muscle car historian Jim Glastonbury said that Europe could never make a true muscle car. Possibly because they don’t have the indescribable American spirit that pioneered the muscle car in the first place. We have a je ne sais quoi that is impossible to replicate. And yes, I’m aware the irony of using French to describe the indescribable American features. Anyway, this car has some of that American spirit—possibly because the front is modeled so heavily on the Charger and the Mustang. That said, even as an echo, it had its charms.
More Bond!
Sticking with Aston Martin—try this one out. Sure, it’s more of a sports car, but she’s damn beautiful, and I couldn’t help myself. It has design nodes to the Dodge Viper, the Stingray, and the BMW Roadster series, and has the distinction of being one of the cars on this quiz that I would commit unforgivable crimes to obtain. Of course, the insurance would be out of this world, and I would have to commit more crimes to pay it off. Ugh, it’s just a whole web of crap. The car’s worth it, though. And it’s only partly because James Bond drove it.
A cool name for a cool car
This is another car on this quiz I would commit unspeakable crimes to obtain. The other two are, of course, The Vanquish S and the Equus Bass. There are about ten cars altogether, but not all of them are muscle cars, so we’ll have to leave the rest to speculation. This car is perfect for warmer climates where you can take it out on any day, find a good stretch of highway and peel down it so the wind blasts through your hair and you can forget all about the government forcing you to pay taxes and listening in on your phone conversations.
You know it just from the grill
As much as you love muscle cars, there is a complacent design in place that is rarely deviated from. It’s partially what caused their decline in the late-70s. This design, however, came from 1970 when it was still all quite new and exciting. There’s also the important and easily identifiable indented grill, which gives away that it is not only a Chevrolet but a specific one in general. We’ve give you plenty to go on. Now tell us what you think.
The fastest muscle car in the world (sorta)
Despite its $250,000 price tag, the Equus Bass is only the second fastest muscle car in the world. This is the absolute fastest; it’ll hit 60 in 3 seconds with a top speed of 199, compared to the Equus’ nearly identical, but marginally slower top speed of 200 but with a 3.4-second race to 60MPH. Considering this car is also comparatively cheap at $64,000, we would suggest buying this car if the metrics mean that much to you. Sometimes, of course, it’s more about rarity, branding and personal style. As for gas mileage? Who cares? You have a great goddamn ride.
Beautiful car, bad reputation
Muscle cars can be difficult to drive, but this one was notorious for being temperamental and complicated even for the most experienced drivers. They were built for racing and barely modified for street performance. That said, if you’re going to illegally race, this 60s classic would be a good choice. God knows the engine sounds better and the car looks better than the eyesores out on the road these days. What this vehicle lacks in drivability it makes up for in its iconic and influential design. And the ability to make money from street racing.
A jet engine with tires taped to it
Continuing with our Shelby theme, this recent model is one of the fastest muscles cars on the road. Before the Hellcat, this was the fastest muscle car out there—3.5 seconds to hit 60MPH and a top speed argued between 189 and 202MPH. It took years for Dodge and Equus years to beat it. Several generations and variants of the car exist, with some harkening back to the classic designs of the 70s, but still maintain the modern aesthetics and even hint at the popular configurations seen in current Japanese sports cars.
$99,990 is still below $100,000
Powered by a twin turbo V6 and featuring a subtly aggressive design, it’ll take you a second to decide, even after you’re driving in its extremely comfortable seats, whether this is more luxury car or more muscle. Surface aside, we are going more luxury simply by the care that went into making the two-seater as spacious and relaxing as it is. It’s a smooth ride, despite the powerful engine. Then again, for $100,000 it should feel like a morphine drip every time I turn the key.
Goodbye horses
This Dodge is a complicated one. Not only because all Challengers and Chargers look the same, but because, well, the Hellcat—which only came out last year and is considered the fastest muscle car in the world—is already going to be overtaken by this upcoming model. As purported by USA Today: “[This car] can go 0 to 60 miles per hour in 2.3 seconds. It can go from zero to 100 mph in 5.1 seconds. The car is so powerful that it is capable of pulling its front wheels off the ground.” Yep, my face just melted.
Beautiful car. A perfect one if the damn thing will start
We’d hate to throw mud the way Multiple Miggs throws…other things, but let’s just admit something. If you’re buying this brand of car, you’re doing it to tell people you have one. You’re buying the image. In reality, the goddamn things break down more than a teenager who doesn’t get their way. Admittedly, this brand has fixed its reputation in that department somewhat, but it’s gotta be considered before you make the purchase. But, damn, it would be great to show off. Really ruin the day of your friends and co-workers.
Hey, it still counts
You may be surprised to hear that the English have made muscles cars. And they’re not all that bad. While the Jensen Interceptor is certainly a non-committal fence-riding bootleg of a muscle car, this is the genuine article. This is a product of over ten years of work, streamlining several other Holden vehicles. The results are impressive, featuring a 577bhp supercharged Gen IV 6.2 liter LSA engine…which is already in use by both the Cadillac CTS-V and Chevrolet Camaro ZL1.
Grandpa wanted a muscle car of his own
Ford made some of the best and most influential muscle cars in automotive history. Unfortunately, you don’t become a billion-dollar corporation without making some real duds. The reasons for this failure are multiple. Ford sensed diminishing interest in the now-common designs of the muscle car. They wanted to try something new while also offering other amenities. Ford helped to pioneer the muscle car; now they wanted to pioneer the first luxury-muscle car. Unfortunately, the European design somehow aged the car immediately and the industry afraid to take more risks. But not afraid enough.
This is why people hate sequels
Sure, it’s easy to make fun of the Firebird with its gaudy hood design that only kids in the 80s thought was cool. But this. My god. Was no one paying attention? This car taught us a lesson in 1978. Don’t tattoo your car. Everyone will think you’re a schmuck. But it happened. The snake emblazoning isn’t the only problem this car had. The front-heavy design made the car look ready to tip-over ad its budget engineering made this car slower than the original and harder to handle on the road. But, Jesus Christ, there’s a snake on fire on the hood.
It looked like a shoe!
The best thing that can be said about this car is that it appeared in Diamonds Are Forever, which isn’t even a good James Bond movie anyway. The problem with this car is not only that it resembles a Pinto, but it came off the back of a superior generation. Sales plummeted for this vehicle, due to its slow speed, lousy design, and the fact that America didn’t have money to waste at the time. Sure, Ford rebounded eventually, but good god.
Well, that's a surprise
Now may be the time to forgive them. Look at this son of a bitch. It may still have the firebird emblazoned on it, but it’s much more sedated than before. There is an evocative futurism to the car. It’s simple in its angularity, but sharp enough to make it feel dangerous. The electric blue paint job shows bright in the outdoors. It looks perpetually new and in perpetual motion. And the horsepower you ask? 1000. On a car meant for the everyday person to drive but designed by Joey Arrington of NASCAR. Am I crying? Well, shouldn’t you be too?