If You're Unsure About Your Friend's Sexuality, Take This Test And We'll Tell You
- by Michael Winter
- – on
- in Entertainment
This is a story of misadventure. Once upon a time a young man and woman worked together in the same office. It was no secret that they found each other attractive except to everyone else around them.
One day the woman plucked up the courage to ask the guy out, and for a time they dated. But as time passed she began to wonder about her new beau. Little things he did or said forced her to consider that all was not what it seemed: the style of his clothes, the way he would talk non-stop about Harry Styles, and those eyebrows… which were better plucked than her own.
One morning as they again visited H&M, it occurred to her that she may be dating a boy who liked other boys. But if that was the case why did he agree to see her? Why lead her on like he did?
Probably for the same reason she asked him out: companionship. After all, she actually preferred women!
Try as we might to identify potential friends and sexual partners, none of us truly knows what someone’s sexuality is until we get close enough to try it out. So, for those of you who can’t stop wondering whether a homie works part-time at a boutique or a sister makes her money at a steel forge, this quiz is guaranteed to end the uncertainty.
Stereotypes, people: they’re best avoided.
On a Butch Scale of 1 to 10 what would your friend score?
Every body is different. Genetics, upbringing and personal choices all mold us into the many different shapes and sizes we are today. Some narrow-minded fools seem to think that you can tell a lesbian from her ample frame and tattooed arms. Clearly this is a stereotyped point of view that will not be tolerated. Besides, some of those tattoos are stunning.
How do they react to finding an insect crawling on them?
No-one likes being the support scenery for an insect opera but in some months of the year it’s unavoidable. Visit an outdoor café in July anywhere in the northern hemisphere and you’ll notice every-so-often the launch of one of the diners into orbit as they are targeted as a giant flower (that wasn’t a stereotype by the way; we were being metaphorical).
What do they choose to drink on a night out?
“Can I get a lemonade shandy please,” you hear the man next to you order. Yet as you snigger to yourself you also think: why not? It’s refreshing, it’s tasty, it won’t dry the dude out for an evening of dance and he may even be able to drive home when the night is over. “Bonzer, make that two!” He turns his head towards you and (guess what?) you’ve made a friend for life.
How do they react when meeting someone of the opposite sex?
This is quite telling. In fact it may be one of the best methods of positively identifying your friend’s sexuality. Notice how they either stalk their prey with the subtlety of anti-tank grenade or quickly affirm their sexuality by a shake of the hand and use the word “mate”, or “buddy”. The signs are there in abundance if you know what to look out for.
How do they dress?
Have you noticed whether your friend dresses weather-appropriately? Do they wear tight t-shirts on a night out in December or a vast khaki-colored coat in July? Perhaps the men you know only wear clothes which would be more suited to the catwalk at Paris Fashion Week. Were it not for their keen want for uniqueness you may not have been able to answer this next question.
How often do they go shopping?
Dropping a dress size is a big deal for some women. But if you look closely you may find your male friend just as excited about being able to fit into a 32 waist. If there is a glint in his eye, your earlier suspicions may have some basis… but it is not a dead cert (not yet at least).
How long would they spend in a shoe shop?
Shoes are big business. In old times they were a sign of wealth. The more important and richer a man or woman was the bigger the shoe. King Louis XVI of France made his way to the guillotine in the Place de la Revolution wearing shoes that were reportedly a yard long. But folks, take notice of how your friend views shoe buying, male or female.
What words do they mostly use to express approval?
It was the acting profession that caused the stereotype of the luvvie. This was predominantly a gay man who flounced around the backstage area calling everyone luvvie because he couldn’t remember his fellow actors’ names. But joking apart speech defines who we are. Our accent, the words we use and the inflexions in our voice.
What sort of car do they have?
Some people think that the type of car they own defines them. This might be true of certain types of car such as a Jaguar, a Jeep or a Cadillac. But the majority of road users consider a vehicle the easiest way to get from point A to point B. But perhaps subconsciously we buy our cars according to how we feel about ourselves. It’s subtle, but it may be a giveaway.
What wallpaper have they on their PC?
The wallpaper on a PC is a cheap way of bringing color to a room or an office without forking out for a picture. With so many varieties to choose from what makes us choose one over another? Our sexual preferences of course! In order to answer this question you will need to be as stealthy as a SEAL to gain access to their inner sanctum. Be careful.
What is their favorite food?
It’s no secret that if humans don’t eat they starve to death; such cause and effect was established early on in our evolution. But these days we tend to overcompensate for this and eat more than we should, which ironically will also kill us. Eat in moderation, they say and all will be well. But with so much delicious produce on every street corner how can we not be tempted to stuff our faces?
How do they react to the idea of same-sex sex?
Here’s something you can try out with your friend: ask them what they think about same-sex loving. In the minds of many people, such activities warrant the participants an eternity in hell. But come on! This isn’t the Dark Ages, nor do we live in Texas (unless you do actually live in Texas). Open-mindedness is the key to the world’s future.
What was the last demonstration they went to?
This year there have been 20 rallies and demonstrations in D.C. alone. Admittedly the vast majority have been directed towards the new tenant of the big white house but on June 11, the National Pride March came to town and boasted around 50,000 LGBT supporters. Where was your friend on June 11?
How many pairs of pants do they own?
Pants are a big deal in the States but they also have a sizeable following in the UK. They are clever pieces of attire that can be worn by men and women alike and come in many different colors and materials. However, did you know that in Malawi it was illegal for women to wear pants until 1994? Try to find out how many pairs your friend has.
How would you describe the way they walk?
Forget stereotypes… stereotypes ruin society. And we’re not going to ask crass questions about the way someone walks; as if that’s any reliable way to tell someone’s sexuality. For God’s sake! On the other hand, a walk tells us quite a bit about someone’s personality. True fact. Cultural snoops have actually researched walking styles.
How often do they use the words “darling” or “babe”?
Some people tend to be more reserved when it comes to the “pet” names they use for their friends. That’s because they are more concerned about what someone might think of them as the giver than how the receiver would feel. Why not just say what comes to mind (as long as it isn’t an insult)? A little sprinkling of love never hurt nobody.
How do they react when they see a fit person of the same-sex?
This is another sure way to end that run of nights ruined by wondering about your friend’s sexuality. Take a walk through town and do a little bit of window shopping. Check out the jewellery store, look at sh*t you can't buy, or visit the dealership tryna get a test drive. And while you’re at it notice your friend’s reaction as a handsome lad or lassie walks past you.
What was the last sports event they visited?
It is no secret that certain sports draw audiences from certain walks of life. Take Wimbledon for example: it seems championship tennis is loved most by toffs and celebrities. But most NFL audiences are made up of your average Joes and Janes. On the other hand English rugby matches are oft’ visited by Royalty.
What is their political view?
In a land split not between Democrats and Republicans but between the lovers and haters of POTUS, this question may be hard to answer. But it’s worth trying to find out your friend’s political persuasion, if nothing more than for the benefit of the quiz. And if they won’t tell you directly (some people seem cagy about such things) then guess.
What’s more important to your friend?
We all have something that spins our world; something that makes us get out of bed in the morning and stops us languishing in a cesspit of depression, even if it’s a plate of bacon and maple syrup. What’s important to us is usually a result of our upbringing and what we noticed was important to our parents. After all, we come in to the world knowing nothing and were it not for them we may still know nothing.
Which Moulin Rouge! character best describes them?
Labelled a jukebox musical romantic comedy film, Moulin Rouge! was a hit film of 2001 and starred Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor to name but a few. While Ewan’s singing wasn’t up to the much the script and music made sure the film was nominated for eight Oscars. For those who haven’t seen it, the film is nothing short of a flamboyant, giddy ride around the Paris of 1900.
What color is their room?
“Let me, O let me bathe my soul in colors; let me swallow the sunset and drink the rainbow,” wrote the poet Kahlil Gibran, and little did he know that he would inspire the tag line for a famous brand of hard fruit-flavored sweets. Color makes the world instantly more bearable, and since 1978 have the colors of the rainbow been seen in the LGBT pride flag.
What do they think of Harry Styles?
It’s a little-known fact that Harry Styles, once a member of the band One Direction, has launched his solo career. Despite a recent TV program dedicated to his repertoire, the lad is not yet in the league of the greats. Will he ever be? Do you and your friend have discussions about such things? And are his or her views telling of a deeper issue?
How do they react when you say the words “Bear” or “BBW”?
There are a ton of terms the LGBT community uses for each other. Some are derogatory and others endearing but all describe some aspect of appearance or character. A “bear” is a larger, hairier gay man with a rugged persona. And BBW stands for “Big Beautiful Woman”. Mention either of these terms perhaps in the middle of lunch and notice your friend’s reaction.
How many hours do they spend adjusting their hair each day?
British soccer players focus a lot of their time on their hair. But to date only a handful has come out of the closet. For this reason, is it a reliable way to determine someone’s sexuality? Only time will tell. For now, observe what sort of a fuss your friend - he or she - makes of their hair. Find yourself a hand-held tally counter and begin clicking with each flicking.
