If You Fail This Quiz, You're The Most Boring Person On The Planet

Did you know that the title of The Most Boring Person on the Planet could only be bestowed on such a deserving dipstick by a king or queen? True fact.

In medieval Europe hopeful lame-os would visit their nearest royal palace on the first of every month to parade in front of a judging panel made up of a prince, princess, lord and lady.

Those competitors who dressed in more than one color or who smiled for no reason instantly fell afoul of the executioner’s blade but those whom the panel deemed most strikingly boring often went on to became local heroes.

Jumping forward to Victorian Britain, the format of the competition remained largely unchanged; except, that is, for the addition of a golden ticket for the winners of the first round.

These select golden drips were then invited to Downing Street to meet the Prime Minister so that he could judge for himself who was most deserving of the title. Helpfully, the PM’s private secretary at the time wrote of one of these meetings: “Who shall ever put his lordship into the deepest coma by way of their lameness of character shall be honored.”

Unsurprisingly, great bores arose; statesmen with such snore power that they became celebrities in their own right: Sir Edmund Dane, Lord Hum Drum and perhaps the most fatuous bore of them all the Russian dissident Bof Anal.

The role of the dignitary in determining the most boring person has long since been disbanded because the process was considered patronizing and demeaning. These days, instead of a parade in front of a panel there are quizzes…

Question 1

You have the next two hours to yourself. What do you do?

So, you’ve been given the gift of time; the Bigger Picture has, for a moment at least, frozen. TWO WHOLE HOURS lie ahead of you, their boney fingers beckoning you to do whatever you want. Then out of nowhere you remember something Captain Jean Luc Picard once said: “If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are.” But what does that really mean…? And what do you choose to do?

Question 2

What’s your favorite type of music?

Ah, music, music everywhere; some good, some bad and we haven’t even started on Harry Styles. Our musical tastes are as varied as our noses. Did you know that in the good ol’ United States the majority of Metal fans live in the north-western corner of the Union but lovers of Soul are centered on Tennessee and Kentucky? And they all have different noses. Tell us what music you like.

Question 3

What makes a great night out?

It is no secret that most Westerners enjoy a night out at the end of their working week. It’s only to be expected that after working so hard we want to feel just a touch freer than we felt over the last five days. That feeling is just an illusion of course... none of us are really free because we’re all working for one giant top secret organization run by alien lizards. That said how would you choose to spend your “night out”?

Question 4

How often do you floss your teeth?

It has been claimed (probably by floss makers) that regular flossing extends the life of your teeth and your heart. Yet the claim isn’t as farfetched as you may think. Flossing protects your gums from builds-up of bacteria. So, if you don’t floss, that bacteria will circulate in your body (via your arteries) and cause hardening of the artery walls. Ergo, flossing = long life. How often do you floss?

Question 5

Name your favorite pastime.

Sooner or later we all get a sinking realization that our childhood - and the innocent excitement that comes with it - has come to an end. The games, toys and TV shows we cherished as kids suddenly hold no real interest for us anymore. Yet there’s no reason why we can’t still enjoy a pastime which gives us the same sort of excitement we once knew. So… what’s yours?

Question 6

What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

You don’t get anywhere by boozing but you won’t deny it helps, on occasion. There’s something magical about tilting a glass (responsibly full) of your favorite liquid fixing towards your mouth. That is unless you’re under doctor’s strict orders not to touch another drop because your liver is the size of a car tire. Before you get schwacked tell us what that favorite drink is.

Question 7

What creature would you choose as a pet?

Nothing beats a walk through the park on a perfect summer day with your four-legged friend; seeing the joy in their eyes when you throw a ball and they know playtime is here. Relaxing at home is better with company, you say to yourself as you cuddle up together in front of a fire and it wraps its legs around you. Sound nice? If this is your idea of hell then what would you prefer to cuddle up to?

Question 8

If you could invent something what would it be?

Things are being invented every day. Why, even this year there have been some major breakthroughs such as the invisibility ray, the atomic fingerprint scanner and the lens-free camera. Admittedly though, these days very little is invented from scratch. There’s usually an earlier discovery (electricity, for instance) that allows the development of something new. What would you invent?

Question 9

Do you like flying?

A fear of flying is completely natural. Some people hate the idea with a passion and will never step inside a plane for as long as they live but for others flying is a part of life. There is also a third group of crazies for whom flying is the ultimate adrenaline rush. What demographic do you belong to?

Question 10

What’s your biggest fear?

Are spiders your biggest fear? Or the dark? Or cheese? Would the lesser-known nocturnal cheese-eating spider of Madagascar cause your heart to quiver like jelly in an earthquake? Humans have experienced fear for thousands of years and we inherited the response from our animal ancestors. As much as we try to hide it there are some things that will always bring the walls crashing down…

Question 11

What is your favorite food?

You must be getting hungry. Because we’re half-way through and you’ve been working so hard you’re bound to have worked up an appetite. But the fridge is empty, the larder is bare and the supply of food in the nuke bunker is past its sell-by date. There’s only one thing left to do: order in. That sounds good, doesn’t it? Go on… treat yourself! And by the time it arrives you’ll know whether you’re the most boring person on the planet.

Question 12

How many friends do you have?

Friends provide nourishment, especially when your plane crashes into the Andes and you run out of food. But seriously folks, without some tender companionship or the banter of the frat or sorority where would we be? Friends help to build and shape you into the person you are. What’s more if you find a really good friend you may even find more than just friendship…

Question 13

What do your friends think of you?

OK, we just asked you how many friends you have, but while we’re alone let’s talk about how some of them can be from time-to-time nothing more than schmucks. Then again, if you think that of them what must they think of you? Be as honest as you can be with this next question…

Question 14

What sport do you like to watch?

Every year English men and women roll lumps of cheese down a steep hill and then try to catch it before it reaches the bottom. This genre of bat-sh*t crazy takes place on Cooper’s Hill in Gloucestershire and has caused so many injuries that local shops now refuse to sell cheese to obvious idiots on the lead-up to the event. Let’s be honest, there are plenty of safer sports to try but which one would you prefer to watch?

Question 15

How many hours a day are you lost in thought?

Yet another employee has drifted off into their own world while in conversation with the boss. Concentrating on the task in hand is difficult for some people while others struggle with not being able to focus unless something interests them. Generally speaking, is daydreaming good or bad? The thought is that those who daydream are less happy than the ones who attend to the task in hand.

Question 16

How many hours a day do you spend on the internet (for personal use)?

The internet has revolutionized the way we view the world and communicate. For better or worse it has connected the population of the world and dominates every corner of existence. Were it not for the internet there would be no way of knowing which of our friends had bought a puppy or how to put on makeup; society would disintegrate and the polar caps would explode.

Question 17

What do you imagine is the best thing about joining the armed forces?

With almost 1.3 million active service personnel the United States combined armed forces ranks 3rd largest behind China and India. A life in Service isn’t for everyone but for those who decide to join up it proves to be a career like no other. The question is though if you were considering enlisting in one of the armed forces what reason would you have for doing so?

Question 18

How many pairs of pants do you own?

For some of us pants are a properly important part of our appearance. For the majority of us though they are seen as nothing more than the best way to walk around town without being arrested. Amazingly from the 6th Century BC pants were a common part of men’s attire. It wasn’t until the 16th Century AD that they slipped out of fashion and were replaced with breeches. We say: Bring back breeches!

Question 19

If you were given a million bucks what would you spend it on?

Yet another lame-o has spent his lottery winnings on a chocolate house. And we’re left wondering why such wins come to those who seem not to appreciate the worth of money. Was there ever a time when a scientist on the brink of discovering a cure for cancer won the lottery just as his funding dried up? The cruelty of life aside, what would you spend your winnings on?

Question 20

In your opinion which is the most important?

“Remember: Enjoy your life today, because yesterday has gone and tomorrow may never come”, said English writer Alan Coren. In a sense he is right but it’s sometimes hard to live like that, especially if you have a big exam the next day or you screwed up a relationship the day before. It would be great if we could live in the moment but what would happen about the mortgage?

Question 21

Which Star Wars character best suits you?

Dental hygiene is vital to the survival of the species, as are repeated showings of Star Wars. For if the epic sci-fi films ever stopped being made there would be rioting in the streets and the world would surely end. We’re harking back to the original trilogy with this question: the garbage disposal unit, the Sand People, the lightning strikes on Luke. Which character best describes you?

Question 22

What color is your room?

Color has played an important part in our lives for thousands of years. Ever since the first Neolithic man looked up at a rainbow in the sky have we wanted to emulate the colors of nature. In the Middle Ages color represented wealth: the more prosperous you were the more able you were to buy expensive dyes for your clothes. That’s why monks wore undyed potato sacks: because the church took all their money.

Question 23

What do you most believe in?

Almost 90% of Americans believe in God (compared to 50% of Brits). Half of all Americans also believe in ghosts and a third of this group thought that ghosts had the ability to hurt people. Over the centuries people have believed in all manner of paranormal creatures, not just ghosts. Back in 2015 the archaeologists who uncovered cave paintings in Charama, India asked NASA to determine whether the paintings (which were 10,000 years old) depicted the arrival of aliens.

Question 24

What do you remember most about yesterday?

“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay,” said someone once. It’s true that time flies when we’re having fun (although how fast no-one has been able to tell) but it can also drag, especially when we’re going through a rough patch. Don’t think too hard on this one… what’s the first thing that comes into your head?

Question 25

What’s happening tomorrow?

Do you remember us saying something about “tomorrow may never come”? Well, let’s assume for a moment that it will come and all will be well. How we see our next day on the planet is a giveaway to how we feel inside. Tomorrow is a blessing… Glory be! It’s a simple question to finish with: what’s happening tomorrow?

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