Take This Quiz To See How You Would Meet Your End In A Horror Movie
- by Edward Cambro
- – on
- in Movies and TV
Look, let’s face it: we’re all going to die. If you’re in a horror movie, however, your chances of dying are considerably higher. Also increasing is your chance of suddenly dropping 40 IQ points, and rather than being dispatched by natural causes, it’ll probably be something brutal and unnecessarily bloody that does you in. I mean but at the end of the day, they are just movies right? Right? We sure hope so, because some are knock-your-socks-off scary.
With the bevy of iconic horror movie villains with classic ways to kill their victims, we decided to kill you, our faithful audience, off. But don’t worry, it’s only metaphorical—and you get to help us. You get to decide how you’d die in a horror movie based on who you are as a person and your preference in horror films. With any luck you’ll be going out in style. And hey, maybe you won't die right away, I mean if you're not the blonde cheerleader type that is!
Either way, you’ll still be dead at the end, so it's cool that you, ultimately, pretty much get to choose your fate and just how gruesome it would be!
Let’s at least have fun on our way out.
How’s your hand-eye coordination?
You know how in every damn horror movie, some unnaturally good-looking person is running from some schmuck with a knife and ends up tripping over absolutely nothing, usually giving the killer enough time to catch up and poke a few holes into them? Yeah. It’s a tired trope, but it’s not going anywhere.
Can you see well in the dark?
Horror movie villains seem to have sensitive eyes. They prefer to operate in the dark, so if you’re going to last—at least for a little while—you’re going to have to get used to the darkness. Of course, even if you do, the chances of you surviving to the end are pretty lousy.
Are you an idiot?
Horror films do not reward stupid characters. Admittedly, most characters are written to be idiots to make the setup for their death scenes both easier to get to and more satisfying for the audience. How often have you yelled at the screen as characters return to a haunted house or check to make sure the bad guy is unconscious or what have you? Sure, you’re still dying at the end of this quiz, but try to do it with dignity.
What are your favorite hobbies?
You know what would really help? If you had a background in weapons’ training or martial arts. Unless you’re fighting ghosts. That usually doesn’t work on them. Unless we’re counting The Conjuring. Remember at the end of the film where that sheriff’s deputy blasted a ghost with a shotgun and it worked? Sure, it didn’t make sense, but the crowd popped for it.
What decade did you grow up?
Every decade, certain types of horror subgenres come to define the decade. The 70s were bedecked in blood and psychedelic imagery; real supernatural stuff. The 80s brought out the slashers. The 90s, things got meta. The aughts were obsessed with horror stories “based on true events” and saw the rise of torture-porn. Now the 2010s have taken a more stripped down, psychological approach.
What was your first horror film?
Yeah, this one can run the gamut. Maybe you grew up watching horror movies from the classics on down. Maybe you didn’t care for them and only got into horror as a teenager. The backlog is incredible, and we sure hope your introduction was something great like The Shining and not, you know, anything with Jason Voorhees.
Overrated or Underrated: Psycho
It may have helped launch the serial killer/horror genre to new cinematic heights and further pushed it into mainstream popularity, but is Psycho really all that good? We’re not saying to judge the effects or violence by today’s standards, but from a critical and storytelling lens. Think about it. We won’t tell anyone.
What’s your favorite horror movie subgenre?
Ghosts, goblins, demons or your neighbor next door. There are so many villains, so many genres, and many, many ways to wring the money out of your wallet. Hopefully along the way, you’ll get more than a jump-scare, but that’s not too likely these days. At least you’ll get the opportunity to laugh sometimes, but not always because the movie was trying to be funny.
Where do you live?
It used to be that cities were the scary places to be. Well, that and the woods. Now it can be suburbia, exotic vacation getaways and wherever else you can get a license to film on the cheap. Funny thing is, no matter where you live there’s a bevy of horror subgenres that have taken place in that location, so god only knows how this’ll work out for you.
Whom do you prefer: Freddy or Jason?
It took a decade or two, but they finally made a movie about it. Ol’ Hockey Mask vs. Pizza Face. Fish Food vs. Burned Steak. One will get you when you’re sleeping, the other will get you if you’re sleeping with someone. Both look like they smell bad. And, honestly, you’re dying either way at the end of this, so does it matter which one you piss off?
What was the best horror film of the 70s?
What was the single best decade for horror movies? We’d say the 70s. While there were more supernatural horror features, the decade gave you a little bit of everything; fish, masked killers, telekinesis, zombies—they were all there and they were absolutely classic. Tropes were born, indelible moments were filmed, iconic dialogue was uttered. Don’t go in the water. Don’t go to school. Don’t take road trips, and don’t even get us started on the bees.
What did you think of Rob Zombie’s Halloween remakes?
There’s something to be said for giving an old car a fresh coat of paint. Then again, there’s also something to be said for buying your own goddamn car and leaving the classics alone. Guess we played our hand on that one. Yeah, we’re not fans of the remakes. It really says something when you can’t find something nice to say about a movie with Malcolm McDowell in it.
Do you like horror-comedies?
Usually horror movies make you laugh on accident from either bad writing or bad acting, but, hey, sometimes they do it on purpose. Shaun of the Dead and Tucker and Dale vs. Evil are absolutely great films, though there are purists out there who prefer their horror movies to keep the comedy at home.
Where do you want to die?
If you were going to be killed horribly (and that’s the whole point of this quiz), where would you like it to be? If you’re on an island, well, at least you got a vacation out of it. In the woods, you get to enjoy what it was like not to have indoor plumbing. Or, maybe you just want to cut out the middle man and travel to the Knives and Broken Glass Factory on 8th.
What was the best horror film of the 80s?
The 80s started off strong with The Shining. Did you know that the movie was critically panned when it original came out? Shameful. Stanley Kubrick deserves all the credit in the world for transforming Stephen King’s overly long, dry and tedious novel into a multi-layered and incredibly scary film that has become timeless despite Jack Nicholson’s awful haircut.
Is Silence of the Lambs a horror film?
Is it horror? Is a thriller? Is it suspense? Is it a procedural? I have no idea. Let the historians figure it out while Hannibal Lecter turns Doctor Chilton into a four-course meal. Originally, author Thomas Harris imagined Lecter escaping to Zurich. When he found out Lecter would end up in the Bahamas, he told director Jonathan Demme that the good doctor would be the only person there who wouldn’t sweat. Jesus, what a creep.
What do you think hurts the most?
Dream Theater once said that nothing breaks like a broken promise. But, you know, broken bones do tend to hurt as well. Being stabbed, skinned, burned, bludgeoned and all that other stuff we usually see in these movies probably hurt more than a little bit. Or a nice throat-slitting. The lack of oxygen is terrifying at the very least.
What's the scariest scene in non-horror movies?
We could say something snide about a lousy movie, but we’re not going to take that road and go for a condescending, easy laugh. That’s what Marvel movies are for. There are plenty of movies out there that will present us with something genuinely uncomfortable or scary in their journey to develop conflict and tension. And some movies have done it brilliantly.
Is Jaws a horror film?
Jaws is another one of those films that people love to argue about. Is it a horror film? Is it a thriller? Well, it’s certainly the first summer blockbuster, so the next time you see a commercial for another loud and incomprehensible Transformers films (or anything by JJ Abrams), remember that you can thank Steven Spielberg and a wooden shark for the brain cells we’ve lost.
What was the best horror film of the 90s?
You know, Scream gets a lot of credit. Self-aware character acknowledging the rules and tropes of horror films, which forced Scream itself to remix or defy convention (even though it more or less worked out the way you figured). Sure, it’s endemic of the post-modern era, but, frankly, Wes Craven’s New Nightmare did it first and better.
Whom do you prefer: Michael Myers or Leatherface?
Mutes with iconic masks. We were going to add Jason too, but we mentioned him earlier, and quite frankly, if we’re being honest, Jason is a bore. At least Myers looks scary and has a badass soundtrack. Leatherface, too, has a great look, even if all his movies are repetitive.
Do you consider Hannibal Lecter a villain?
The problem with Lecter’s rise to fame was that it ended up turning him into a bit of an antihero. In the Hannibal novel he wasn’t even the actual villain. If anything, it made him a romantic and sympathetic character. The excellent Hannibal TV series almost went in this direction as well, but then that was before he told Doctor Bloom he was going to murder her toddler.
What makes for a scary villain?
What scares you the most? The unknown or the familiar? The demon or the serial killer? Sometimes it’s worse to see a villain that’s realistic because it reminds us how scary the real world is. Sometimes it’s scary to see a monster because, well, you don’t see that crap everyday when you’re just trying to get your mail.
You've been kidnapped by a deranged killer...
If you want a nihilistic opinion, either way you’re going to die in this scenario since that’s the point of the quiz, whether you escape the killer or not. Maybe this one will get you, maybe a ghost or something will. But you're going down.
What was the best horror film of the aughts?
The aughts saw the rise of Japanese remakes, torture porn and the PG-13 horror movie money grab so teenagers can ruin yet another good thing. It was a strange decade to say the least. There are some diamonds in the rough, so it has that going for it, which is nice.
Which stock character are you?
Horror movies usually rely on archetypal characters because they’re familiar and immediately identifiable. This saves time that “needs” to be spent setting up the plot and the death scenes. Rare but satisfying is the horror movie that bothers to create three dimensional characters, but that’s another topic entirely. For now, of all the clichéd characters, which one are you?
Pick a TV Series
Horror isn’t just confined to film and the 24-hour news cycle anymore. Now, it’s on network TV! Since The Walking Dead debuted on AMC, there have been more horror shows trotted out to match its success. Of course, none of them have made it 9 seasons the way Dead has, largely because of TWD’s secret weapon: complete inconsistency. You never know which show you’re going to get.
You're living in a haunted house...
Haunted house films usually have some of the dumbest characters in any genre. It also doesn’t help that the ghosts usually just like the scare their victims for undisclosed reasons and for an arbitrary amount of time before actually killing them. It just underlines the silliness of the story and the stupidity of the characters whom only have to leave the damn house and the movie would be over.
Whom do you prefer: Annabelle or Chucky?
Man, dolls are creepy. Kids are probably worse because they’re weird and they carry germs, but dolls are still awful. While Chucky has vacillated between straight horror and horror-comedy from time to time, there’s no denying his longstanding popularity. Annabelle is a recent addition to doll-horror, coming from the “inspired by true events” subgenre that horror fans eat up these days. Or at least the normies like it.
What was the best horror film (so far) of the 10s?
There’s less blood being poured in modern horror films. Partially a result of the PG-13 success and partially out of more earnest experimentation with plot, character and situation. While horror certainly isn’t mainstream, the latest adaptation of “It” was a critical and financial success, and even had a few effective scares.
What word best describes you?
And be honest. The best deaths in movies are steeped in irony or see the victim meet a fitting, satisfying end. You don’t just want to fall down the stairs awkwardly like Arbogast in Psycho or crack your head on the sidewalk and unconsciously drown in a puddle of likely Leptospirosis-laden water.
What movie title describe your relationships?
It’s a fun new way to answer an often-uncomfortable question. Maybe you’re a lothario. Maybe you’re a shut-in with anxiety. No, we’re not projecting. Maybe the truth is a little more difficult to peg. Maybe you’re always being broken up with because you’re unpleasant. Or you break up with others because you’re afraid to get hurt. No, we’re still not projecting.
What’s the most uncomfortable sensation?
We know a guy—former pilot, now really into acupuncture—who used to luxuriate in sensation. Even the bad ones. Especially the bad ones. There can be no pleasure without pain, and the borderline between the two is a sweet spot. Well, to some anyway. But to get back on topic, you’re going to die here anyway, so let’s make it good.
Who would you want to handle your exorcism?
You’re possessed. That’s right, you can use that as an excuse for being a dick. Well, eventually vomiting pea soup and the severe skin irritation is probably going to get old, so you’ll want that interloper out of you. Problem is that exorcisms are usually long, painful and often melodramatic, so you probably want a pro at this to keep you from dying in the process.
Do you have creepy neighbors?
For those of you unlucky ones not to live in a windowless bunker miles away from civilization, the truth is, you’re probably going to have neighbors. Some of them might even be creeps. Or at least look like creeps. Many a horror and suspense film have explored the paranoia of dealing with potentially dangerous neighbors, including that Rear Window rip-off piece of crap Disturbia.
What scared you most as a child?
Children are walking germ sponges. But, they’re also stupid. Their fears are basic but they translate to something about the elemental horror of existence. Perhaps we’re reading too much Nietzsche. Regardless, stuff that scared us as a kid sometimes inform on us as adults. Like infinite recursion. Scared the hell out of me as a kid.
What scares you most now?
I had a girlfriend once who hated clowns, so I would change the wallpaper on her computer to collages of them whenever I could. That was fun. Anyway, I’m single. Adults usually have much more to be afraid of and are more cognizant of their actions. Good god, Rust Cohle was right. We became too self-aware too quickly. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law.
Overrated or Underrated: Audition
Audition is the 1999 Japanese horror film that received unparalleled acclaim from fans and critics around the world. Unfortunately, it’s still very niche; if you aren’t a horror fan, you might have heard the name but little else. Endlessly influential, oft-cited and multi-layered, the love this film gets is caked on thick. Is it too much?
Pick a soundtrack
We love a good soundtrack. Sure, Requiem for a Dream is brutal on its own, but that soundtrack envelopes you in misery in a way that only music can do to you. If your life took a sudden downturn, and you were about to be brutally murdered, what film’s music would you like to have serenading you into the Hereafter?
Evil Dead vs Evil Dead
The original or the remake. The horror-comedy versus the straight horror film. Dark re-imaginings are a dime a dozen these days thanks to Christopher Nolan and post-modernism. However, you can’t deny the success that the harsh and unflinching remake of Evil Dead had. While many of us expected it to generate a new franchise, we’re glad that there was no sequel to gamble tarnishing its legacy on.
