Pick A Baby Boy Name And We'll Reveal How Cool He'll Be
- by Claire Ross
- – on
- in Lifestyle
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet."
Hogwash! Shakespeare really knew how to lie like the best of them, didn't he? What a tramp. We all know the truth... that names actually hold the key to one's personality, aspirations, future partners, happiness, and overall fate. Is your name Grendelwind? You're probably a bit sad about that. Is your name Rebecca? Perhaps you're still a bit sad about it, but less so, certainly.
If you're planning on having children, it's a good thing that you thought to stop over here first to test out potential baby names. What if you gave your newborn son a terrible name; one that would curse him for all eternity to live in lonely loserdom? Oh no! You're a better parent than that.
Scroll down to our carefully selected list of boy names for you to rank, and we will use our top-secret formula thingimajigger to test whether or not your son will be a hero among men... or a houseplant. If you agree with Shakespeare and think all names are created equal, then I dare you to name your child Paislinko and see what happens. No? You won't do it? Maybe because you secretly believe in the power of names...?
Which name do you prefer?
Come in, come in! Take a seat in front of our state-of-the-art quiz machine. Just punch in the righ- ah, I see you already know how to use our device. How nice for me! My job is basically finished. Oh wait, I think you're sitting in my chair... um, please if you don't mind.... thank you. Let's get going!
Which name do you prefer?
You don't have any questions, do you? That's good. I don't really know how the machine works, just that it does. Have faith in the Quiz Masters and all your questions shall be answered. If you don't believe me, you're in for a real shocker! This machine holds the answers to time itself! Or so I've been told.
Which name do you prefer?
Some of these questions are fairly obvious if you ask me, but I'm not the one doing the quiz. My own children are very cool. If you met them you'd say, "What wonderful children she has! I wish my own kids were that smart and fabulous!"
Which name do you prefer?
Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like with a horrible name, but luckily I had fantastic parents who really thought it through, like you're doing now. Bravo! Your kids will be so grateful (if you ace this quiz). Which name do you prefer?
Which name do you prefer?
This is a tricky one... I don't know which one I'd chose if I were you. On the one hand, Dwayne is so normal and O.K. On the other hand, "The Rock" really carries some weight, you know? Get it, some "weight?" Ha-ha! Oh, don't appreciate puns...? That's a shame, really.
Which name do you prefer?
Do you want your kids to make friends easily, or for them to learn about the hard way how horrible and difficult real life is? If you name your kid something too good, they're bound to end up a little delicate, you know? You want them to be tough!
Which name do you prefer?
You'd be surprised what various preferences can tell us about a person. I was talking to one Quiz Scientist about the power of fruit cake and she told me that if I preferred fruit cake over cinnamon buns, I would die in 10 years. Who knew?
Which name do you prefer?
Look at the time! I think you deserve a little bathroom break. Straight down the hall and to your left... no, my left. Wow is English your second language? Left, I said! We don't have gendered bathrooms, so don't be confused by the signage.
Which name do you prefer?
Man, you sure took your time in the bathroom. Do you have indigestion or something? No Oh, I get it, you're just nervous about your answers to this quiz. As you should be! You might be on the way to creating a real loser of a kid... So, which name do you prefer?
Which name do you prefer?
Are you hip to your 90's super-shows? There are some real gems hidden in the naming of our favorite characters, like Chandler, Brick, Reese, and Mr. Big. Did we ever even learn Mr. Big's real name? That's a bit of a sham. He deserves to have a name, like every other human. Don't you agree? Hello?
Which name do you prefer?
I brought some snacks for us to munch on while you do the quiz. Sorry, you can't eat them at the computer though, so you'll have to just stare at them until you're done. Sorry about that, I didn't really think it through. Which name do you prefer?
Which name do you prefer?
There are very few mysteries left in life. I've learned that after working for the Quiz Masters for several years. Did you know there's a real correlation between eating Twizzlers and looking good with a short haircut? I know, right? Who knew! I sure didn't...
Which name do you prefer?
Do you have any siblings? You do? I could tell from a mile away. You seem like someone who's older siblings have great names... as do you, of course. What's your name, by the way? Oh.. ha-ha. Um. That's awkward. I once dated a- what was that! Don't click that button!
Which name do you prefer?
Are you going to name your kid after a beloved relative if you can't pick one yourself? That's a dangerous road. What if that ancestor doesn't like your kid, and resents having them be their namesake? What if they end up haunting your family for all eternity? You've really got to keep things like that in mind.
Which name do you prefer?
Okay, I've been trying to ignore this for the last fifteen minutes but can you please stop tapping your foot like that? It's not even following the beat of the music, which is infuriating. I'm sure you'd agree if you were in my position... stop... stop! Thank you. Yeesh!
Which name do you prefer?
Did you know that mangos have little societies of fairies living inside of them? Okay, I made that up, but you barely even acknowledged that information! You sure are paying close attention to this quiz... did you do much studying in school? Seems like it. Good job!
Which name do you prefer?
This one is tricky. You should take your time with it.. oh, that was fast. Are you sure? I really think you should think again. Can you just- quickly it's fine- just go back for a second. Are you sure...? I don't mean to influence you but... really?
Which name do you prefer?
Some people think that sitting at home all day in front of your computer doing quizzes on the Internet is bad for your health. Do you know what I say to that? Crazy-town! Stay home all day! Do whatever makes you happy! I know you agree. We sure do agree on a lot of things.
Which name do you prefer?
How do you feel about drinking at work? Do you want a nice cold beer? I'm sorry, I didn't bring any, it was a bit of a trick question. The answer should be no, of course! Did you think this was an open alcohol environment? Jeez, who do you think we are?
Which name do you prefer?
Are you tempted to name your children after cartoon characters? I'd think twice if I were you, by the time you're a parent those names might be classic ones, really common names you hear all the time. You want your kid to have something unique, don't you? Try these on for size.
Which name do you prefer?
Here are two angelic names for you to peruse. Did you know that most names that end in -el are Angel names from the Old Testament? The ending -el means "of God". How interesting! You don't think so? Well... I think you'd have found it interesting if you were paying closer attention...
Which name do you prefer?
Do you plan on being an overbearing parent? I guess that's okay under certain circumstances. Would you force your kid to wear all the same outfits as you in little-size? That's taking things a little too far if you ask me. Maybe you'd even name your kid after yourself! I find that a bit silly, to be perfectly honest.
Which name do you prefer?
Some kids show up to the first day of school and are too nervous even to introduce themselves. Do you know what would make that moment even more traumatic for a little kid? Having to introduce themselves with a funny or hard to pronounce name! I mean, you've got to think these things through, Future Parent.
Which name do you prefer?
Do you want your kid to be President of the United States at some point? You should consider these options carefully, then. Not every kid is cut out for such an important task, but if they're named correctly, you could be helping them move in the right direction... better safe than sorry!
Which name do you prefer?
Sorry, hold on I've got to take this. Hello, mom? Yes, it's me, your daughter. No, your other daughter, the one with the terrible name. *click* See? Do you want that to be you one day, speaking to your child who resents their name into their middle age? Not that I'm middle aged, mind you...
Which name do you prefer?
I really like your shirt, by the way. It looks very cozy and stylish. You got it second-hand? How fabulous! It's funny how people always want to come to use the Quiz-o-matic in their best clothes, even though we're not all that fancy here. I'm surprised you even bothered to brush your hair, to be honest.
Which name do you prefer?
Is that a mole on your upper lip? I think you should get that checked out. I know that's a little personal, but it really looks like you're planning on having children, and you don't want to jump into something like that with a potentially deadly mole sitting on your face. I know, I'm sorry, that's overstepping.
Which name do you prefer?
Do you like having a name that fits easily on a "Hello My Name Is" tag? So do I! It's one of the best parts of my name. Actually, it's the only part I like. So here's a good question for you, would you give your kid a long-long name that's hard to write, or an easy two-letter name?
Which name do you prefer?
Eek! Was that a spider?! How did he get in here! Call security! It's eating at the wires! This is nuts... I wasn't even eating in here, I swear! Don't tell them anything when the exterminator comes... I have nothing to do with that candy wrapper on the floor or the empty box of pistachio nuts in the corner...
Which name do you prefer?
Phew! It's dead. I didn't want them to kill that spider, but I'm really happy it's gone. Are you scared of spiders? No? Well that doesn't surprise me, actually, given your name. See how much a name can tell you about a person? I definitely knew you weren't afraid of spiders before I even asked...
Which name do you prefer?
Sometimes I see a kid crying on the street and I think to myself, if only their parents hadn't named them something terrible. Does that ever happen to you? Oh, you wonder why the child is left alone at the shopping mall... I guess that's a more responsible reaction. But who's to judge, really.
Which name do you prefer?
Would you ever name more than one child the same thing? I know that sounds a little nuts, but hear me out. They could own all the same things and collect the same paychecks and marry the same people... oh, I guess that sounds pretty confusing and terrible actually. Do whatever you want!
Which name do you prefer?
We're almost done! I have to say, you've been a really lovely participant. I don't normally get someone this quiet who just lets me yak away the whole time. Wait... what's that in your ear... have you been wearing earplugs this whole time? That's so rude!
Which name do you prefer?
Have you ever considered giving your little wonderful newborn son an androgynous name? They're all the rage, I hear, because then if your kid ends up having a more fluid gender, they won't have to change names! We sure have thought of everything here at The Quiz Masters Union.
Which name do you prefer?
Now take your time with this one, it's the last entry on our list. You've really got to reach deep inside your own soul to get it right. Don't rush it! You know what the right answer is, just close your eyes. That's it! And listen to the wind blowing in your face. Oh, sorry- ha-ha! That was me blowing on your face for effect. I'll stop.
