Break These Celebs Out of Jail Or Let Them Rot? Discover How Evil You Are!
- by Tim Frederick
- – on
- in Entertainment
Imagine an alternate universe where celebrities don't escape justice, as difficult as that is to comprehend, but must actually pay for their crimes. An alternate world that is so merciless in fact, that many celebrities are even jailed on false charges.
This is the world into which you'll step in this quiz, you being a master jailbreak artist who has the power to free anyone you want, without consequences. No one knows how you do it, though we suspect it's through some portal-opening device that can transport you right into their cell and then out again, innocent or guilty celebrity by your side. However you're doing it, you're a master. A legend. An icon. We could go on and on (and not just in case we need you to break us out of jail one day), but we're running out of space.
This quiz will present you with 25 fictional scenarios where a celebrity has been jailed on various charges, which they're either innocent or guilty of. All you have to do is decide whether you want to break them out of jail or leave them in there to rot. When all is said and done and a lot of celebrities either love you or hate you, we'll tell you which of 5 moral alignments best represents you based on your choices.
So what are you waiting for? These celebs won't sit in jail forever. Well, actually they will, unless you have the heart to break them out. Do you? We're about to find out.
Justin Bieber is Innocent of Vandalism
Justin Bieber is given 17 consecutive life sentences after being found guilty of vandalizing his neighbor's garden gnomes. The neighbor found urine all over them when returning home from a raucous night of bowling, and suspected his famous pop star neighbor, who had viciously slandered garden gnomes in the press for years as being inferior to flamingo lawn ornaments, was to blame. The urine was tested and confirmed to be Bieber's, though in actuality, a disgruntled employee had stolen it from Bieber's mop bucket and poured it on the gnomes himself.
Miley Cyrus is Guilty of Corrupting Morals
After popularizing twerking some years earlier, Miley Cyrus goes too far with her new dance move frashing, in which dancers bash their head against a wall until they knock themselves unconscious. Within 24 hours of the music video that showcased the new move appearing on MySpace, 1.7 million deaths are reported from people attempting to perfect it. Cyrus is promptly sent to a prison cell with padded walls.
Cristiano Ronaldo is Innocent of Murder
Cristiano Ronaldo was convicted of murdering a child during a soccer match after his errant kick into the stands struck a child in the head. Despite his own very public protests against FIFA's recent implementation of soccer balls with giant metal spikes on them, Ronaldo was not shown any mercy by the courts. He did at least go out with a bang in his final game (even aside from the head shot), scoring a hat trick after the child's body was removed from the stands.
Adam Sandler is Guilty of Fraud
After releasing his 10th-straight flop on Ustream, a desperate Adam Sandler takes to the crowdsourcing website youdhavetobeanidiottofundtheselosers.com to pitch his latest movie. After meeting his target goal of $350.17 in pledges, Sandler flees to Mexico, never delivering his promised movie about an actor who defrauds people on youdhavetobeanidiottofundtheselosers.com during a fake attempt to revive his failed movie career. Sandler is later captured and found guilty of fraud, though he's applauded for his irony. Alanis Morissette later disputes the praise, saying it wasn't ironic.
Anne Hathaway is Innocent of Assault
Anne Hathaway reportedly turned violent after her complaints that her latte was cold were met with indifference and eye rolls. A video recording of the incident, which was leaked to catfight.edu, only showed the conclusion of the melee, at which point Hathaway was battering the barista with a bevy of blows. However, it was actually the barista who started the fracas, pouring the latte over Hathaway's head and yelling "does that feel cold to you??"
Drake is Guilty of Conspiracy to Commit Murder
After yet another friend was gunned down, the 13th in the past 2 months, a fed-up Drake allegedly contacted a mysterious assassin's guild known only as The Dark Brotherhood and put hits out on 1,034 different people that had ties to the murders of his friends. After Drake bounced all 1,034 $250,000 checks to pay for the kills, the Dark Brotherhood leaked details of the deal to the police, including 1,034 signed documents. Drake is currently undergoing rehab in prison for carpal tunnel syndrome.
J.K. Rowling is Guilty of Practicing Witchcraft
Years after her popular Harry Potter series was first accused of promoting witchcraft among children, author J.K. Rowling was caught performing a forbidden Wiccan demon summoning ceremony in England. The summoned demon refused to help her escape her police captors, saying "na-na, na-na, boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo." The demon was immediately destroyed by Scotland Yard's anti-demon summoning task force, prompting Rowling to sing "na-na na-na, na-na na-na, hey hey hey, goodbye".
The Weeknd is Innocent of Truancy
Citing his inability to properly spell weekend, The Weeknd was charged with 2500 counts of truancy on the assumption that he had skipped school every day of his life. Despite providing documents showing that he actually attended school until he was 17 and that his musical alias was borne from a noble attempt to avoid infringing on another band's trademark, he was sentenced to life in prison for all his weeknds to come.
Mel Gibson is Guilty of Hate Crimes
Mel Gibson had another unfortunate meltdown during the shooting of his film The Resurrection, the sequel to his smash hit The Passion of the Christ. After a Jewish actor's cellphone rang during a pivotal scene of the movie, Gibson ranted and raved about Jews for 17 minutes before having the actor nailed to a cross, at which point he began shoving bacon down his throat.
Rowan Atkinson is Guilty of Reckless Driving
Mr. Bean star Rowan Atkinson was jailed for reckless driving, something even his famous lackwit character never managed, and he steered a vehicle with ropes while sitting on a chair that was strapped to its roof. Atkinson, an avid car collector, forced three Mini's off the road during a wild ride in his Aston Martin DB2, weaving in and out of traffic and onto sidewalks before finally crashing into a lemonade stand. As the lemonade stand did not have a permit, Atkinson was given a reduced sentence for destroying it.
Rachel McAdams is Guilty of Being A Canadian
After Canada conquers Maine, Vermont, and New Hampshire, President Dinklage brands all Canadians enemies of the United States and declares that any found within America's Walls will be thrown in prison. While most Canadians successfully flee north, McAdams is captured near the New Hampshire/Massachusetts border trying to sneak across to Canada.
Jerry Seinfeld is Guilty of Contributing to Global Warming
Seinfeld was tossed in the slammer as the first person ever charged with the new crime of contributing to global warming. The former star of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee drew the ire of law enforcement officials after launching his new show Comedians Flying Around in Jumbo Jets All Day for No Real Reason.
Caitlyn Jenner is Guilty of Bestiality
Caitlyn Jenner was found guilty of bestiality after being unable to convince a court that she now identified as a pig; the fact she was trying to communicate through nothing but grunts and squeals doing nothing to help her defense. After the trial was concluded, the alleged victim was roasted over a spit and feasted upon during the after-party.
Donald Trump is Guilty of Treason
We're going a little overboard with our imaginations here, but imagine that Donald Trump has conspired with the Russians to win the Presidency, promising invaluable concessions in return once he's sworn into office. However, his plot is uncovered and he's thrown into jail for treason along with his sons. His daughter, despairing over the fate of her family, enters the porn industry. Yep, this story is filled with happy endings.
Katy Perry is Innocent of Lip Syncing
Katy Perry is falsely charged with lip syncing, a top-tier felony, after she falls off the stage during a stop on her Countdown to 17 Billion Twitter Followers World Tour, breaking her leg without missing a beat in her singing. However, Perry wasn't lip syncing at all, she was just really stoned and totally engrossed in singing her latest hit song Coke is Dope, which not even a broken leg could break.
Tom Cruise is Innocent of Blasphemy
After releasing a viral video in which he referred to Allah as a deceiver, declared the outlawed Church of Scientology as the only way to salvation and burned one of the new $20 bills featuring Mohammed on it, Tom Cruise is found guilty of blasphemy and sentenced to life in prison. In reality, the video did not feature Cruise at all, but a hologram of him. The hologram is still on the loose.
Tiger Woods is Guilty of Adultery
Tiger Woods was at it again after remarrying, falling victim to his insatiable desires. After several women came forward to reveal that they had slept with the golf star since the beginning of his second marriage, thousands of others came out of the woodwork as well, describing their trysts in lurid detail. Tiger asked for just a few (thousand) more chances to redeem his shattered honor, but was denied and jailed.
Woody Allen is Guilty of Pedophilia
One of the most controversial figures in Hollywood, Woody Allen was jailed after incriminating footage surfaced of him bragging about his shady sexual past, including his conquests of two underaged step-children, one of whom he would later marry.
Liam Neeson is Innocent of Kidnapping
Though they are unsuccessful in finding the location of his missing son, actor Liam Neeson is imprisoned for kidnapping him. A ransom note left at the scene demanding payment from Neeson appeared to absolve him of the crime, yet prosecutors successfully argued that the note was all part of an elaborate plot by Neeson to deflect suspicion. Inspired by the hilarity of it all, the real kidnapper began penning the script for Taken 4, which Neeson would star in while not actually starring in it.
Michael Jordan is Guilty of Property Damage
MJ was given a life sentence for causing $250,000 in property damage after he reportedly broke down and started sobbing in the basement of a Chicago home. The resulting flood caused severe damage to the home, with the homeowners further stating that MJ's sobbing could still be heard echoing off the basement walls and would likely do so forever.
Dwayne Johnson is Guilty of Taking Steroids
Dwayne Johnson's abuse of steroids, which had been speculated about for years, was finally confirmed after he had a falling out with his needle supplier. The man, who had also supplied Tom Hardy and Chris Evans, among other Hollywood actors, revealed damning photos, which included images of him injecting Johnson in the ass while he wore his outfit from Tooth Fairy.
Kate Winslet is Innocent of Child Endangerment
Actress Kate Winslet was jailed for child endangerment after her young son Bear was left inside a parked car on a blazing hot day while she went for a stroll along the beach. A panicked mob quickly swarmed around the vehicle, smashing through a window to yank the child to "safety". They then overturned the vehicle and set it on fire. Lost amid the tumult was the fact that the vehicle had been left running with the air conditioning on.
Jackie Chan is Guilty of Public Drunkenness
Filming of the Legend of Drunken Master 3 in Hong Kong was halted after star Jackie Chan was jailed for public drunkenness. The star, who plays a martial arts expert that grows more powerful after consuming alcohol, insisted on being in-character for his fight scenes by getting good and drunk. He then proceeded to urinate on a camera and assault a key grip, probably because no one knows what a key grip is. Chan's role was given to Jet Li after he was jailed.
Will Ferrell is Guilty of Extortion
After Little Debbie tried to end its affiliation with Will Ferrell, who had previously appeared on Jimmy Fallon dressed up as its mascot, Ferrell threatened to go to rival Drake's Cakes and slam Little Debbie while dressed up as that company's duck mascot, unless he was paid a bounty of 50,000 Swiss Rolls. After the company couldn't talk him down to 25,000 Swiss Rolls, they went to the police instead.
Howard Stern is Innocent of Indecent Exposure
Shock jock Howard Stern was imprisoned for indecency after removing his pants and getting on stage during a taping of America's Got Talent. However, as Stern's famously small private parts were in fact so small that no one could see them, debate rages as to whether his actions were actually indecent at all.
