Which Video Game Villain Would You Be?

We all want to be the villain. They're more confident, they have more fun, and they usually have the better tailor; admittedly, many of them have a BDSM leather fetish thing going on, so that could be a dealbreaker for you--not that we're judging.

Thanks to film, superheroes and their villains are getting all the attention, while video games have yet to make their mark with as wide an audience as Marvel or DC. It also doesn't help that video game adaptations have all been varying degrees of dumpster fire--except for the original Street Fighter with Jean-Claude Van Damme and Raul Julia; if you don't see what that film is a classic, we have no more business to transact.

Anyway, it's about time video game villains got their due. In case you end up disappointed by the villain you end up with, just remember: villains are always supposed to make you feel bad, so, in the end, they're just doing what they're meant to do. And they're usually wearing leather while doing it.

Question 1

What do you wear?

Villains usually need to look cool or scary. Others, admittedly, just want to be memorable, so they look…different. Well, the first start on your journey to become one of the classic video game villains is to design your wardrobe—if you even want one. The laws haven’t laxed on public nudity, but you’re evil after all, right?

Question 2

Pick an ability

Video games are a lot like comics--things get out of control very quickly, so you'll want to have an ace or two up your sleeve. Augmentations. Powers. Drops. Whatever it takes to keep the hero suffering and stumbling around every level, afraid of what crazy thing you'll do next.

Question 3

Pick another ability

A greedy villain. Imagine our shock. Most video game antagonists need a few extra tricks to keep the player guessing, otherwise it's no fun. Villains are all about having fun, until you get to the end and they realize they should've taken you seriously before you got so far.

Question 4

What are your motives?

Some villains are evil because the game needs conflict. The best villains, however, have a real motive. They have desires that sometimes we can understand and even empathize with. Admittedly, these aren’t the villains you’ll potentially become. They’re all complicated, yes, but there’s no doubt they’re awful people.

Question 5

Are you a loner?

Shaggy and Velma sitting in a tree

Depending on your level of psychosis (and how much money you have in your checking account), you might be a loner villain or one that uses the occasional henchman or two. Hey, if you’re lucky, you might even end up with any army. If that’s your thing. It would be less spotlight on you and whatever badass stance you’ve been practicing.

Question 6

What is your favorite color?

This isn’t generally related to how you’d dress. This is more about aesthetics, though color does set the mood of your style and reflects your personality. Since you’re a villain, your favorite color is probably black or gray or dark blue—they go with just about everything—but we probably shouldn’t stereotype.

Question 7

What best describes your origin?

Spider-Man Origin

Due to the grand—and often sequel-heavy—nature of video games, the path of the villain is laid out in depth in a decompressed way. It allows both player and character to get to know them. Even if we don’t like them, we’ll understand them. It’s a strange gamble since sometimes knowing too much about the villain damages their mystique, but most game franchises pull it off well.

Question 8

Do you love your parents?

Jerry's parents from Rick and Morty

According to Freud, this is all your parents’ fault anyway, so you’re technically a blameless victim. Remember to play this card at trial—juries eat it up. Often, the parents of a villain are every bit that pieces of garbage their kids are, though there are exceptions—a few nice people who ended up with a bad apple. There are also a few villains who gave birth to themselves (eww).

Question 9

What is your best quality?

We’re using “best” kinda loosely here. Villains and all. Somehow we’re not expecting words like “compassion” and “empathy” to be thrown around much. Of all the villains you can end up being, they all do have some great qualities that you would want no matter who you are. It’s just that, you know, that whole evil thing that really ruins it.

Question 10

What is your worst quality?

Well, there aren’t enough adjectives that can be programmed, categorized or easily referenced for this one. Most of the villains here want to either destroy the world or rule it. The rest are merely insane. One of them throws bombs at people that he literally keeps in his pockets. Another turns people to slime. Imagine what they’re like on a good day.

Question 11

How would you describe your archenemy?

Prankster-Superman-DC-comics

Some villains truly despise their archenemy, either because they stand in their way or because they see something of themselves in the other. Sometimes, the villain can barely even admit the existence of his archenemy because he sees himself as something so superior. You can’t help but admire the confidence in that latter group.

Question 12

How would your archenemy describe you?

Well, here's a chance for some honest soul-searching and consideration of yourself and your choices. Kidding of course. Villains rarely have self-awareness. That takes time away from important things like monologuing and getting your hair done in that perfect, implausible way. Let’s just admit these answers will likely be as delusional as we’re expecting them to be.

Question 13

How do you feel about plumbers?

We're not being subtle with this one. Yes, plumbers are important; some villains still have bowels and whatnot. Even the ones who don't probably don't want the world they just conquered to smell like an exploded septic tank after a chili contest in the middle of summer. How about that for a visual? Of course, some villains really can't stand one plumber in particular.

Question 14

Do you use weapons?

Some villains need weapons to aid them in battle. Others have powers to rely on. Some of the most dangerous ones just have their wits. Oh, and there are a few who are living weapons who evolved over generations or were developed in a lab by someone who never heard of Frankenstein or irony.

Question 15

Have you ever been killed?

Don’t feel too bad about this one. Video game characters are like comic book characters—if you die, just wait ten minutes. Most franchise villains have been blasted to Kingdom Come only to come back without having learned a thing. That really has to be demoralizing for the protagonist. And probably your therapist too.

Question 16

Do you enjoy wearing hats?

Look, hats are useful. You don’t know when the weather is going to change on you since you can trust a weatherman as much as you can trust any of the creeps in this quiz, so you shouldn’t knock them. But they’re definitely not for everyone; those of a “professional” style or those with needlessly large skulls.

Question 17

How do you see yourself?

We’ve pretty well covered the villains’ capacity for self-deception. It’s one of their best traits, and certainly one we’ve all either shared or wish we had more of on occasion. But here’s a chance to really look at the deep philosophical causes and effects of the evil that you’ve perpetrated on society and—hell, you’re not listening.

Question 18

Pick your favorite villain

Villains have to admire each other’s work. God knows half of them steal each other’s looks. Probably some playful competition between a number of them too. Villains can get along together, at least for a little while. If not, you can just have them killed once you take over the world.

Question 19

Do you have any kids?

Villains don’t usually make the best parents, but that sure doesn’t stop some of them having popped out a few mini-monsters. Villains don’t go for the white picket fence thing, but someone does need to tend to your empire of ash once you’re gone. Or betray you and take your empire of ash. Either one.

Question 20

What is your preferred method of killing?

Sometimes the best way to get your name out there is to do an ordinary thing in a unique way—just ask most serial killers. How you go about dispatching your enemies can go a long way into creating your legacy and instilling enough fear that gamers will be clamoring for more sequels until your franchise goes from tension-filled survival horror to cookie-cutter action crap.

Question 21

What quote are you most likely to say?

Hamlet Yorick

A good monologue or catchphrase couldn’t hurt you. Get the right one and you’ll make a lasting impression on the audience. Sure, if you don’t say it the right way you’ll look campy as hell, but sometimes that’s the audience you’re playing to. Do you really think Sonic the Hedgehog needs a gritty reboot? Ugh.

Question 22

Pick a movie

goodfellas ray liotta

Just because you’re a villain doesn’t mean you can’t relax and watch a movie from time to time. Maybe something to help wind you down. Maybe something to inspire you forward. We didn’t include anything by Michael Bay, of course, because there’s a difference between villainy and condescending to your audience.

Question 23

Are you patient?

When-Leaders-Should-be-Impatient

With many games these days, we’re beyond boss battles saved for the end. You’ll get to deal with the villain more quickly and repeatedly. Depending on the game’s story, the villain may not have to be very patient in finally getting to strangle the life out of the protagonist, but that’s not a guarantee. Is patience the one virtue you have?

Question 24

Would you rather rule the world or destroy it?

When it comes right down to it, these are the two big plans most villains have. Sometimes one leads into the other—a if-I-can’t-have-you-no-one-can kind of thing, which is definitely healthy. But then again, you know, the whole evil thing. So, if you had your druthers, how does the world face tomorrow—or does it at all?

Question 25

On what platform did you debut?

Magnavox-Odyssey-2-Console-Set

A different kind of origin story. Some of these villains date back a ways, back when they looked less like people and more like pixelated germs. But a good villain is timeless, jumping from console to console, evolving with gaming technology (provided the franchise doesn’t peter out or they decide to kill you off).

Question 26

Do you dye your hair?

Don’t worry, it’ll be our secret. Hey, even though you’re made of just ones and zeroes, doesn’t mean some goofy storyteller isn’t going to want to change your look as you get older. We’re all accelerating to the end, but some of you villains will live on for a long, long time. Maybe.

Question 27

Which console is your favorite?

Like our children, we all secretly have a favorite even if we don’t admit it to anyone. Nostalgia can factor into this, even evil villains who want to consume/rule/destroy the planet. We listed a whole bunch of options except for the Nintendo Wii because, well, that would just be a waste.

Question 28

Do you go out of your way to be mysterious?

An air of mystery can help a villain. Too much mystery, or an oversaturation of the character, can lead to fan apathy, or worse, fanboys who overrate you to a ridiculous point where regular fans start to resent you because the obsessed won’t stop talking about how great you are. It’s not a bad way to start a cult, actually.

Question 29

What kind of music do you like?

You need a good soundtrack to go with your villainy. Only recently have video games begun to receive the credit they deserve for their excellent music—whether it’s derived from original compositions or popular songs purchased for the game specifically. There are a number of special engagements at theaters and music halls that will play entire video game soundtracks conducted by an orchestra.

Question 30

Is your franchise still active?

Just because you’re a great villain doesn’t mean your franchise has been going strong all the time. Hell, you might even have been forgotten a little bit. But don’t you worry, some of us still remember you because we played the game you were in as a kid and you hideously scarred us you goddamn creep.

Question 31

Are you impulsive?

Some villains are known for their complicated plans within plans within traps. Others can’t hold on that long and excitedly play their cards as soon as they can. In the end, the good guy always seems to win, so maybe it’s time to rethink some of those strategies, don’t you think?

Question 32

What's your favorite genre?

Often, our favorite genres reflect how we see the world—or how we wish the world would be. They’re an incredible insight, which is why some creators will mention a character’s favorite film or genre because it adds a little extra reality to the character and colors in their mindset.

Question 33

Are you merciful?

Kneeling Avengers

Mercy is something that can be seen as a kind virtue. Others see it as a weakness—letting an enemy live can either change their mind about you or give them an opportunity to spoil your fun again. Admittedly no one likes a party-pooper, but sometimes there’s something to be said for mercy. Sometimes.

Question 34

Are you evil?

It’s a simple question, in theory, but self-awareness isn’t an active gene in most villains. After all, most believe they’re the hero in their own story. Lex Luthor thinks he’s the good guy. Megatron knows he’s the villain. But how aware are you of your own villainy? Not so easy now, huh?

Question 35

What word best describes you?

This is as close as you’ll get to pleading your own case. One last chance at real self-evaluation. Admittedly, we weren’t kind with our adjectives, but if you haven’t been listening, you are the bad guy here, so let’s just try and call a spade a spade here. Who knows, maybe this will be a flashpoint for you. Maybe you’ll turn over a new leaf. We’re kidding, of course. We know you won’t.

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