Play 'Never Have I Ever' And We'll Tell You If You'd 'Seal The Deal'
- by Edward Cambro
- – on
- in Lifestyle
When it comes to dating, sealing the deal is always the end-goal. Hell, even in established relationships you’re still in a weird position where you have to keep earning it. It’s a title you can never keep, you just hope to keep on winning.
Unfortunately, there are times that we doubt ourselves in the dating game. Long periods of social inactivity or a drought in action. You might even be new to this—someone finding their footing for the first time on the uncertain shores of 'the deed'. The irony you’ll see is that getting it on isn’t about the actual act. It’s about personality. The choices you make, the way you present yourself and the way you are with others. But once you get there, man; in the words of Pinhead, “Oh, we have such sights to show you.”
But, of course, getting there is sometimes the problem. You’re a little unsure of yourself or you need constant reassurance that you’re still magic in getting others to drop their pants. Maybe you just need a tune-up. Well, you’ve come to the right place. Play Never Have I Ever and we’ll tell you if you’d seal the deal.
Have you ever been arrested?
Yeah, we’re not even building up to the tough stuff. We’re just going to invade your privacy, which is what law enforcement and the government does anyway, but that’s a different problem. Anyway, sometimes leading your best life means taking a hit once in a while. Happens to everyone. Just ask Henry Hill. What’s important, though, is if you got pinched you didn’t rat out on your friends.
Have you ever bragged about something you didn’t actually do?
One of the best lines in film history is in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. “When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.” Basically, if you haven’t seen the movie—and if you haven’t you’re a bad person—it means that sometimes the truth isn’t as digestible as a lie. Hell, modern journalism is built on this. And we’ve all done it ourselves, right? Exaggerate a story to make it look better (or at least not as bad)?
Have you ever had a drink thrown in your face?
Some dates don’t go the way you’d expect them. Sometimes they go exactly the way you expect them to. Either way, it ends with a drink in the face. Hopefully nothing mixed with juice or something too sugary. Sticky isn’t fun to wash out of your lustrous and thick Sicilian hair.
Have you ever drunkenly thrown up in someone’s car?
Look, those formative years are all about education. Who could’ve guessed six whiskeys, four tequila shots and three beers were a bad decision? At least I wasn’t driving. Hell, at least it wasn’t my car. However, adding the motion of traffic to this mess didn’t help. In the end, the car did get a nice racing stripe of bile across the side. I paid for the car wash.
Have you ever sent or received nudes?
Technological advancement has changed the world. Sure, we still can’t cure cancer, but we can send nudes. And they are a godsend. It’s like taking the car out for a test drive before buying it. Nowadays, you don’t even have to get to know a person that well to see what they’re working with. Will wonders ever cease?
Have you ever let your nerves get the best of you?
Going up to a stranger or a person you know but want to ask out can be uniquely stressful. That’s one of the reasons online dating has become so popular. There’s no need for pretext—everyone’s there for the same reason. But have you been in the situation where you let opportunity pass you by because you were too scared to be turned down?
Have you ever cheated in a relationship?
Statistically speaking you’re going to cheat or be cheated on at some point in your dating/married life. It’s hard enough getting one person to sleep with you, but to get more than one person to do it and balance those two situations out, that’s kind impressive. Less impressive nowadays because of cell phones and hookup apps, but, whatever.
Have you ever watched porn with someone else?
Sharing is a good thing. Best when you can share your perversions. If you’re both into it, it can entice and lead to trying out some new things. It could help keep things from getting stale—a major relationship killer—and add some variety to the proceedings. Now, if only there would be a Hellraiser porn parody. Then we can kill two birds with one stone.
Have you ever hooked up with your friend’s sibling?
Good god, I hope they don’t look too much alike. Then you might have some unresolved issues there. But, either way, the question stands. Also, it can be kind of a hot fantasy because of the implicit betrayal and exciting illicitness of the act. Sometimes that’s the best part. Eve and the apple and all that.
Have you ever extensively played Dungeons & Dragons?
Personally, I was never into it. Played it once for about an hour. Not for me. But the underappreciated TV series Community did two episodes about the game, and they were incredibly funny. Almost made me want to give it another try, but I realized Gillian Jacobs and Al Jolson wouldn’t be there. Moot point after that.
Have you ever eaten food off someone’s naked body?
This can certainly be exciting, though it’ll affect your cholesterol. You got your strawberries, chocolate syrup, or honey. You can get more exotic with sushi and sashimi. Or skip to the advanced class and bring in stuff from the deli. Personally, I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted, cured meats.
Have you ever said “I love you” just to get laid?
Or, worse, have you ever had to sit through RENT? Or push your colleague’s son out the window? That was a Game of Thrones reference for you guys, by the way. Look, we’ve all done some shifty things in the name of new flesh. Saying you love someone is the oldest and most common trick in the book. It’s also the shadiest. But there you go.
Have you ever paid for it?
Philosophically, you end up paying for it no matter what, don’t you? Tolerating the other person’s flaws. Paying for dinner. Attempting conversation. It’s all quite taxing. Some people pay for sex because, well, there’s always a price. Also, it’s simply efficient, and if you’re willing to go out on a limb with us, sometimes more honest.
Have you ever hooked up with multiple people in the same day?
Again, the internet has made this easier and more likely than ever before, but it’s still something to high five about. Or shudder about. Your mileage may vary, of course. Nothing can make you feel more loved or more beautiful than multiple hookups. Or Ecstasy. Again, your mileage may vary.
…or at the same time?
It’s every man’s dream. And, if they’re being honest, many women’s as well. Sure, it can get kind of messy—bodies and legs splayed and jostling. Sometimes, as Spock would say, that wanting is better than having—that reality can never live up to the fantasy. But hell, even the worst groupings is still worth the effort. And the story.
Have you ever hooked up with your friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend?
Yeah, this is some real “Jessie’s Girl” territory. And if you haven’t heard that song you’re in the same boat as the people who haven’t seen “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.” Bad, bad people. Get some culture, for Pete’s sake. Anyway, morals aside, this kind of stuff happens. Familiarity, curiosity, alcohol.
Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?
Nothing can drive you to drink quite like a pregnancy. Sometimes, after the impulses have been fired and fed and the afterglow dims to a chill and that period in the sentence isn’t where you thought it would be, that fear comes in. The possibility of being tied down for the rest of your life with worry and financial burdens all because of a weak pull-out game.
Have you ever stood up a date?
Usually I like to opine on this stuff—the usual rambling and shoehorning in of my own experiences. Or throw in movie and TV references that no one gets, but I’m empty on this one. I’ve never been stood up and I’ve never stood anyone up. It’s true—not only am I a catch, I’m a sweet boy as well.
Have you ever committed a felony?
Don't worry we won't judge you, it could have been saving some animals from bad testing, or faking a crime to break your brother out of prison, we don't judge. But maybe if you have a record, it may affect your dating life, or not at all!
Have you ever had a friend with benefits?
the greatest thing about the term is that there are no ways for it to be negative. You have two positive things, benefits, AND a friend! Sounds like a great agreement if you ask me. But hey, it's really not for everyone. Some people think that the thing that's actually missing is strong romantic feelings, and it only really becomes a problem when one person has them and the other doesn't.
Have you ever shoplifted?
Well, this isn’t as bad as stealing from your family. It’s kind of a personal landmark as a kid. That little thrill from doing something bad. If you enjoyed this, it may have explained your answers in the sex section of this quiz. Life is about its little thrills, after all.
Have you ever stolen money from your family?
For food, meth, cigarettes—whatever, we’re all friends here; no judgement. Maybe you just needed it more than they did. Sometimes you need a new pair of shoes. I’m sure they let you do that at work too, right? Sure. Embezzlement is no big deal, though Waylon Smithers preferred calling it “misappropriation,” which was rather dramatic.
Have you ever driven drunk?
They say that you can drive up to 50 times without getting into an accident or caught by police. That’s the average. However, it’s not like the universe keeps a linear tab on this. So, your first time driving drunk could be lucky number 51 where you run into a tree or Johnny Law.
Have you ever gone skydiving?
I have friends that have done this on a few occasions. Now, I’ve never been a fan of heights. I love to fly, but I prefer landing rather than jumping. My friends were trying to talk me into going with them and I almost agreed. Much as I dislike heights, it would make for a good story. I ended up not going anyway because I refused to wake up early.
Have you ever let someone else take the fall?
A patsy. Have you ever used a patsy? If you did it was most likely in school in your formative years. Some poor kid dejectedly walks to the principal’s office knowing he’s in trouble for something he didn’t do but he can’t prove. And you just stood there. Like Devlin MacGregor or Keyser Soze. Shameful.
Have you ever done it in a bathroom stall?
Okay, this one is personal and specific. But if you can get someone to screw in a place that is not only public, but a public place where you’re likely to be caught (and to say nothing of the potential sanitary issues) then it’s safe to say you have game.
Have you ever gotten into a fight?
We’re not talking a Twitter beef rife with passive aggressive sub-tweeting. We’re talking about throwing hands, cracking beer bottles on skulls—a good old-fashioned Texas barroom brawl. Or a schoolyard fight. Those were always funny. Until they weren’t. I remember walking the halls in high school one day. There were hair extensions and clip-on nails everywhere. The horror. The horror.
Have you ever been caught?
Having public sex is a risk. Also, being young and living at home and having sex is also a risk. It’s a private thing that can certainly be made more exciting with the added spice of danger (and some even like the voyeur aspect), but then there are other times where getting caught isn’t fun. Like when it’s the police. Or a family member.
Have you ever had an experience with someone of the same sex?
Sex is an adventure. Some people are into exploring every facet of it they can find. Also, it opens you up to more people to possibly seal the deal with. It’s all a matter of percentages sometimes. It’s also a game of inches, but that’s another question for another time.
Have you ever had a one-night stand?
If you have game, this is one of the main questions you would need to answer. It can be difficult to find a partner, let alone one who you can immediately get to sleep with you. It’s like a timed test, an elevator pitch and a final interview all at once.
Have you ever embarrassed yourself in front of strangers?
It’s easy to be the life of the party when you’re around people you’re comfortable with. Eat more lobster, unbuckle that belt, order four more whiskeys. It can be harder in front of strangers. You’re uncomfortable, so you put on an air. Or, you’re more comfortable in front of strangers because, well, who cares, they don’t know you.
Have you ever received or initiated a booty call?
Boredom and loneliness are cousins. Sex kills both of those things. This metaphor got away from me. Technically now I’m talking about a double homicide. But, look, let’s get back on track here. Okay. You want to know if you can seal the deal? If you can send somebody a “You up?” at 1:47AM and have sex with them within an hour.
Have you ever eaten food out of a trash can?
Sometimes we aren’t the most discerning of people. Add that with poor impulse control and the ability to rationalize a bad idea and suddenly you’re eating an éclair out of the garbage. The same can be said when you’re trying to pick someone up. Goes back to the boredom and loneliness thing. Only this time the cousins brought their friends desperation and stupidity.
How do you approach someone you’re interested in?
Presentation is important. Sometimes so is putting on an air. You want confidence. You want to be Mr. T in Rocky 3. Well, the confident part. Not the unnecessarily aggressive part. You know what, add some Don Draper in there too. Smooth. Like Draper, James Bond and Mr. T. Look at you. You’re so money and you don’t even know it.
Have you ever called someone the wrong name during sex?
There’s an automatic cringe you get from even reading this question, isn’t there? Whether it happened to you in one form or another, or as a sympathy pain because you can just feel how absolutely unpleasant it would be for people on either side of the incident. God, it would be the worst. So, anyway, has it ever happened to you?